Things Girls Do After Graduation: Throw Jewelry Parties

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Things Girls Do After Graduation: Throw Jewelry Parties

With #PuppySperry taking up her life, she’s hardly had time for herself, let alone her friends. Between walks, grooming, and using Sperry as an excuse to sit around in sweatpants watching Netflix, she’s got the itch to socialize. She doesn’t want to just have a normal old cocktail party that everyone will bring their boyfriends to, making her feel even more single. Her birthday isn’t for another three months, so that excuse is out. And there aren’t any major holidays on the horizon, because it’s that dead period between January and St. Patrick’s Day. She puts her thinking cap on. “There must be something.”

Then the lightbulb goes off: a jewelry party.

“I mean, what do I have to lose by hosting this?” she ponders. “That Stella & Dot rep has bullied me for the last 10 months, so I can finally get her off my back, I can invite all those girls I make fake Skype dates with (looking at you, Caroline), and I get an excuse to drink wine and eat cheese on a weeknight with my friends. Oh, and I probs get free jewelry.” It’s a win-win situation for her coming at the most opportune of times.

After calling the rep, setting a date, and creating the guest list, it’s officially on. It’s going to be the perfect girls night to get the band back together.

Using her deep knowledge from her now-defunct wine club membership, she buys the perfect combination of discount pinot noir, cabernet sauvignon, and sauvignon blanc from her local bodega where she still says “gracias” to the latin cashier who’s been completely fluent in English for the better part of a decade. Meanwhile, her cheese selection could be described as “everything.” Yes, she has to make flashcards for pronunciation and land-of-origin purposes for when the attendees ask what it is, but it’s worth it because she still hasn’t kicked her reputation as a “foodie.”

It’s around t-minus two hours until showtime, and the anticipation couldn’t be higher. She Googles “Stella & Dot Dog Collar” in hopes the rep may have one on-hand upon her arrival, but to no avail. Sperry will have to wear the Lilly Pulitzer one which is clearly still a crowd pleaser.

The scene is set. The lights? Dimmed. The wine? Corked. The cheese? Situated perfectly on the cutting board she stole from her parent’s house over Christmas. The music? “Chill Pop” Pandora station.

There’s a knock at the door, and all of the sudden, a slew of “Hey, girl, hey” and “I’ve missed your face” are thrown around in the entrance that’s now emanating with Tory Burch perfume. One by one, the girls shuttle into the kitchen and heavily pour themselves a glass of wine, each saying, “Oh my God, I’m so bad” after filling it a little higher than what’s socially acceptable.

The first of three “what kind of cheese is this?” questions is asked.

“Oh, this? Camembert. Delish, right?” Nailed it. She can barely stop smiling as she turns away after dropping the perfect pronunciation on Caroline (especially because it felt like Caroline wanted her to fail).

As all the girls head into the living room hobbling like newborn deer on their ill-fitting Michael Kors heels, the rep chimes in and gives her explanation of how it’s going to work. Situated around the spread of jewelry, audible gasps are aplenty. “That is so you” and “No, I’m making you buy that” are exchanged without hesitation. Never in your life have you heard more half-hearted, empty compliments reciprocated back and forth.

Everything is going swimmingly. She’s on track to sell upwards of $1,000 worth of jewelry, and she’s heard the word “covet” used at least five times which means the product is a hit. And after ratcheting up the music to the New Music Tuesday Spotify playlist, the party couldn’t be any more of a success. Even though she knows she’s getting over-complimented because she footed the bill for the night, she soaks it all in because attention like this is hard to come by these days.

As the party winds down and each girl texts their boyfriend, “home soon,” everyone does the double-cheek-kiss routine before saying, “We need to do this more often!” while requesting Ubers. And with her $250 in jewelry credit from all the sales, she decides to save cleanup for after work tomorrow because those stemless red wine glasses will be a bitch to clean with a buzz on.

She calls, “Alright, Sperry. Time for bed. Mama’s had a long night.” Her Tempurpedic has never felt better, because she just threw the best jewelry party her friends have ever seen.

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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