My Life Sucks, Therefore My Snapchat Does Too

I Suck At Snapchat

I truly feel sorry for anyone on my Snapchat friends list. I know, I suck at this thing. Snapchat is for sending pics of interesting things that you would prefer to not have saved on your phone. Aside from the implicit trust stemming from the possibility of someone screenshotting your dong or boob shot, the only real danger is using it as a medium to booty call your ex without a record of it. That’s neither here or there, the point is that unless you have something interesting to share, there’s no reason to use it. Because of that, I suck at Snapchat.

My week is generally comprised of my commute, work, and Netflix bingeing in the evenings. My weekends are filled with much less debauchery than, say, ten years ago when Snapchat would have been extremely useful documenting a fraternity party at which the brothers got high with Coolio or someone puked up chili at a Halloween social. I just don’t do anything crazier than most of my friends do now aside from jamming at a dive bar, but I’ll send you a Snapchat of what I am doing whether you care or not.

Am I eating charcuterie at a French restaurant? If so, you’ll get a shot of my food and wine, even though you don’t give a shit. Hey look, I’m watching football on a Sunday. Breaking news. I’m at my alma mater’s football game on a Saturday sending you snaps from the same seat as last Saturday. Important stuff here. Check out my glass of wine at 8 p.m. on a weeknight. Take a look at my new living room decorations. Hey, look what I’m buying at the grocery store. Check out this chick’s license plate “EBONY.” She’s going to the club, obviously. Oh, and don’t forget the Buckhead Bettys driving around in their husband’s convertibles. Thankfully, I’ve become more risk averse in my Snapchatting, but the mundane things going on in my everyday life? Here, check them out, I know you don’t care.

Even when I finally have something interesting to show, like a pretty shot of the Santa Monica Mountains or the Getty Villa, or any other place I’m visiting, it’s probably cool for maybe three full seconds. Until I send them from the same place every day I’m visiting every year. I get it, you don’t care, but check out this beer I’m drinking. It’s local. Pretty rad koozie, too.

You know who have cool Snapchats? Air Force pilots in flight training. People at out of control parties. Serial world travelers. Vegas addicts. People leading interesting lives. And maybe that’s the answer — be more interesting and do more interesting things. Meh. I’ll just do what everyone else does and snap mundane things from everyday life, even if you don’t care.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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