I’m Not Messing Around With These Clowns

I'm Not Messing Around With These Clowns

I grew up like most kids. I loved my Legos and Nickelodeon. I loved playing Pokemon and eating Fruit by the Foot. Kickball was my life and I was always down to smear the kid holding the football. Also like most kids, I was afraid of the dark. But a lot of kids split on one particular thing: clowns. Some kids were deathly terrified, while others like me didn’t seem to care. It was just a clown, right?

My great uncle was a Shriner and I had seen him dressed up as a clown multiple times. I had been to the circus and to birthday parties. I had seen clowns at school festivals making balloon animals. Clowns never really phased me. Then as I grew older I saw It and Clownhouse and I soon had a slightly different perception of clowns. Party clowns and circus clowns were cool, but some assholes had to go and ruin it and make clowns horrifying.

To be honest, I don’t really think about clowns on a daily basis. Sometimes I see some on Twitter that I wish I could unsee.

I’m sorry, but if that thing smacked my girlfriend’s ass then I would probably nervously smile and try not to piss my pants. If I was carrying, then maybe my reaction would be a little different.

A month or two ago, some news stories started to pop up about clowns showing up at playgrounds across the south and trying to lure little kids into the woods. Then these altercations started to increase in frequency and location. Soon there were clowns all across the country. They went from freaking out kids at playgrounds to hanging out in abandoned parking lots to walking down roads at night. They’re following women home and standing outside their window begging them to “come outside and play.” These clowns are on jogging trails and other public areas. They’re carrying knives and chainsaws and whatever else they can freak people out with. One asshole near where I live was hanging out in a corn field just popping his head out and waving at cars as they drove by at night.

Mom, if you’re reading this, sorry in advance.

Fuck. That.

I’m not putting up with this clown bullshit. I have seen enough pictures, videos, and other posts on Facebook to know that these clowns are not fucking around. All they are trying to do is scare people. 2016 has been the worst year ever and these douche bags are trying to make it worse. We already have two clowns running for president, we don’t need any more on the streets. People are starting to fight back. One clown in Indiana is in critical condition because someone didn’t feel like putting up with his shit and shot him in the head.

Dear clowns: come the fuck at me. Please walk towards me. Run if you want. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore. I have nothing to lose. I am buried beneath a mound of student loan debt, work stress, peer pressure, rude people, and all sorts of other bullshit. I am not scared of you. If you come running at me with a chainsaw, I am not running away. I am standing still. You won’t do anything. All you clowns are too scared to get in any sort of altercation and that’s why you hide under a mask.

So yes, all these clowns are scary. Yes, I don’t ever want to run into one. Yes, I will probably urinate myself. Yes, I probably should not engage with the clowns if I see any. Yes, I am a dumb redneck that doesn’t heed to common sense. Do I care? Not one bit. I’m not fucking around with these clowns.

Image via Shutterstock

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I'm just a cultured redneck that coaches hoops and loves Dale Earnhardt.

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