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I love Instagram as much as the next person. In fact, I would argue to say I love it way more than most normal people. I’d like to think I’ve matured over the years into a young, (almost) fully functioning adult, but when it comes to Instagram, I might as well put on low-rise, buttcrack-showing denim, let my midriff hang out, and pretend to be wasted off two vodka shots, because Instagram, you make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream.
So, suffice it to say, this obsession has caused me to form strong opinions about what I deem good and bad when it comes to Instagram posts. Granted, I am not innocent of posting some low-quality imagery (ex: screenshots of text messages that only 20 people would ever find humorous). However, I feel that compared to most, I have a pretty standup, working knowledge of what deserves a lot of likes and what doesn’t. Today, I want to share with you what doesn’t, and why it needs to stop, like, yesterday.
Screenshots Of The Weather
Why? Just why? Did you awake this morning with an irresistible urge to crown yourself my new, local weatherman? Do you just assume I don’t have any other way to find out the weather and, thusly, rely on Instagram to figure out what in the hell I’m going to wear today? Yes, I know it was cold yesterday and it’s hot today. Or that it was hot yesterday and it’s cold today. Or that it’s going to be a gorgeous day outside. Or that it’s going to be a rainy one. If you literally cannot make it through the day without knowing you posted something about the weather, subject your poor Facebook status to it. You screenshotting what I can so easily find out for myself through a multitude of different mediums is almost offensive. What? You don’t think I have cable? (I don’t.) You don’t think I, too, own the exact same weather app? Or is that everyone else’s weather screenshots are less than and yours is, for whatever reason, a cut above the rest and the one I should really pay attention to? I just can’t. If you don’t have anything decent to post, a weather screenshot is not an acceptable last resort. That is, unless you’re, like, on a beach, and you get creative by snapping a picture of the scene then laying text over it reading “70 and sunny!” I could maybe deal with that. Anything else and it’s boring and you’re boring and you’re upsetting me.
Screenshots Of “Now Playing”
Yeah? You bumpin’ some Jay-Z? Grindin’ to some old school Salt-n-Pepa? Blarin’ some Spice Girls circa 1998? NO ONE CARES. This is what streaming Spotify is for–so all your “friends” can spy on what you’re listening to and either be inspired or horrified by it. There’s just nothing to this post. It’s not like I can interactively click on your music screenshot to play the song. I’m just staring at a static picture of what you’re listening to. That’s supposed to get a like from me? Methinks not. Follow it up with a stereotypical, “It’s a Spice Girls kind of day!” and I’ll be tempted to unfollow. Instill here the same principle as above: if you truly don’t have anything decent to post, a screenshot of what’s “now playing” in your world should not be an option. I know you may really feel it in that moment. I know maybe it’s kind of funny that you’re listening to Shania Twain’s greatest hits or Paula Cole belting out a few choice numbers. But, no. I’m sorry. This has to stop.
Circle Of Shoe Life
Why is this still happening? Just because a group of girls got a pedicure or are out on the town in sex heels or you all happen to be wearing similar looking shoes (tee hee!) it doesn’t mean we need to stand in a circle and place our right foot in like Hokey Pokey warriors. Besides being a not fun for anyone else picture, there’s also no way a picture like this can be taken and look good. They’re just feet from a bird’s eye view. It does nothing for the angle of your leg, and it definitely doesn’t show off the result of the 100 calf lifts you did last week at the gym. If we’re going to get really honest (because I’ve clearly been holding back) feet are gross. Unless you’re a foot model, it’s almost guaranteed that something is “off” when it comes to your hooves: flat and squishy, long and lanky, ones with the second toe that’s two feet longer than the big toe. Nothing insightful or aesthetically pleasing comes from a photograph like this, so please, no more.
Consecutive Sunset Pictures
Every single day, all across Earth, the sun sets. And every single day, all across the same Earth, the sun rises. If neither of these things happened, pigs would be cruising at 30,000 feet and hell would be frigid. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, because I don’t hate Mother Nature. I love the outdoors and I can fully appreciate a gorgeously captured landscape picture. However, if you feel the need to post one every single day, my appreciation dissipates. Regardless if it’s a #nofilter #texassky or a shot that’s clearly been put through at least three picture apps, I get it. It’s a sunset. Thank you for letting me know that the sun did, in fact, set tonight, and, yet again, it was really pretty. Once in a while is okay if you just cannot believe your human eyes. But when you post this type of picture over and over, it sort of pays heed to the idea that Instagram has made many amateur non-photographers believe that they, too, can create art so easily. Which leads to my final picture category that I cannot handle any longer…
Are you blind? Did you forget to wear your glasses or contacts? Did you trip and fall and accidentally post this picture and forget that you did it? Were you raised by wolves? Because really, I don’t know what other explanation there is for this appalling behavior I see flooding the Instagram village day after day. I’m sitting here trying to find the words to express my disdain for blurry pictures, and I’m finding it really hard to accurately describe. I guess it’s parallel to the time I was driving and saw this little boy literally kick his dog in its ass to get moving–whilst the dog was in the middle of relieving his bowels. I was so upset that it left me speechless, but I thought about it the rest of the day. Can you seriously not see how blurry it is? Are you that eager to show some evidence that this picture was taken and you were actually out, having a good time, so you’ll settle for whatever the camera spit back at you? The only thing worse than a clearly blurry (ha, oxymoron) picture are the pictures taken with broken cameras. It looks like someone sprayed cleaner on the lens and forgot to wipe it. Everything’s foggy. Everything’s covered in a weird light. The quality is so bad, you wonder if they’re snapping pics on a Blackberry or, GASP, something even older! If you have a dud phone that you can’t afford to fix right now, do us all a favor and stop pretending it’s fine enough to join our elite Instagram community. Do you hear me, blurry/foggy/poor quality pictures? You can’t sit with us!
Hold your pictures high and carry on, Insta soldiers.