6 Steps For Getting Your Fat Ass Back In Shape

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I had put on a solid 40 pounds by the time I graduated college, and it wasn’t from flipping tires and eating chicken boobs. Essentially, I had a malnourished second-grader distributed evenly between my gut, thighs, and double chin. It was a good look…for a diabetes commercial. As you can imagine, I got sick of toting said child around like a fanny pack so I made some changes and lost that weight. I feel great, and not to sound advertorial (but to sound advertorial), so can you.

Yup, you heard it from the horse’s mouth, Mr. Ed. It’s really possible to drop that extra college/emerging-adulthood/life-in-general weight that’s been slowly accumulating as a result of stress eating, binge drinking, and a painfully sluggish metabolism. You don’t even have to become a full-blown CrossFit freak or gym rat. You do, though, have to want it badly.
Here are some easy things to help get into better shape.

Please note that I am not a health professional, just a former fatty.

1. Decide that you are done being a fat slob. To achieve anything in life, you have to want to reach your goal more than anything else. More than America wants to deport the Biebs. More than Taylor Swift fans want to sing about boys. Most importantly, you have to want it more than you want pizza. It’s a lofty commitment.

2. Make a plan and stick to it, you lazy piece of shit. Want to know why Oprah is still fat? I’ll tell you. It’s because she’s tried every diet in the book but only does it for two weeks at a time. I think someone went on her show and told her that. Ballsy. They say consistency is key, so if you’re going to start anything with the intention of seeing results, you have to see it the whole way through. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, either, because you can’t rush anything that’s worth lasting. There’s no quitting allowed.

3. Stop eating all the time, idiot. A short poem, by me: Not hungry, just bored. If you ate an hour ago and you’re already on your way to the snack cabinet, chances are you’re not actually hungry. You are not Michael Phelps. Do something to distract yourself from that nagging hunger, not to be confused with actual hunger. I don’t care what it is. Draw a self-portrait of your nipples. Decorate a princess crown for your dog. Make a paper chain. Do anything to distract yourself, and if you do that enough, you’ll break the habit of frequent eating.

4. Drink water, not Diet Coke. Bottoms up, bitches. Go get yourself a sweet company water bottle. You know, the kind that your parents left in the water bottle holders on their bicycles. Or, if you don’t feel like sucking air out of a plastic nipple, purchase some off-brand bottled water from your local supermarket and keep drinking until your pee is clear. I play a daily drinking game with myself. It’s called “drink whenever someone pisses you off.” I’m always very well hydrated.

5. Move your damn ass. Notice how I did not say exercise. You do not have to wake up with the sun and “train.” Again, you are not Michael Phelps. Just move around a little bit. See how many crunchy leaves you can step on in a row. Have sex (on top). If you’re feeling ambitious, go to the gym.

6. Go by the 80/20 rule. Don’t completely give up what you love (namely pizza and beer). Take everything in moderation. Try to be healthy 80 percent of the time, but still leave some room to enjoy life.

It’s literally that easy. Literally make small changes. Literally just drink water instead of polluting your body with pumpkin spice lattes, which aren’t even made with coffee or pumpkin. I don’t know what a fucking latte is. Enough about my animosity toward fall.

For clarification, I’m not saying you have to lose weight, or that being in good shape should be your top priority. I’m just saying that if you do decide you want to, or if your doctor tells you that you’re probably going to die of a heart attack tomorrow, you can get healthy. You just have to want to. Eventually, you’ll start to see and feel results, and those results are addicting. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself wearing tighter clothes to work and smirking when you coworkers look at your butt.

Accomplishing something is a cool feeling, especially when all the credit goes to you.

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