23 Things You Shouldn’t Do During A First Date


First dates are a lot like job interviews. You have to give an enticing enough background without seeming too eager, all the while gauging responses and adjusting behavior or commentary accordingly. Or you can just throw caution to the wind and say or do whatever the hell you want, which is generally my rule of thumb. (Yes, I’m single.)

For those of you who are not too sure when it comes to the blurred lines between the dos and don’ts on a first date, I’ve outlined a few clear “don’ts” below. The rest is up to you and Darwinism.

  1. When asked what hard liquor you prefer, respond with, “I don’t really care. Whatever gets the job done. I’ll drink rubbing alcohol if necessary.”
  2. Say your vintage Yurman is a chastity ring and that you’re waiting for the right person to come buy you a drink.
  3. Suggest that you lied about your age and you’re actually jailbait.
  4. Give him or her your social media handles and suggest, “follow me, I’m kind of a big deal.”
  5. Tell him or her your ex was an astronaut and it didn’t work out because of the space-time continuum.
  6. Show up hammered and offer your date Fireball from a flask.
  7. Bring your physical college diploma to assure your date you actually graduated.
  8. Ask what sports teams your date roots for and throw your drink in his or her face when he or she names an opposing team from yours.
  9. Arrange it so your ex shows up at the same time as the date and when you say, “well, this is awkward,” your date will get really confused and be like, “but you texted me to come here.” Then suggest a threesome.
  10. Ask your date what his or her favorite order at Chipotle is and then use a calorie counter ingredient by ingredient to figure out the caloric total of it.
  11. Send him or her snapchats from the date with captions like, “booorrrinnnnnggg.”
  12. Ask to see photos of your date’s mom or dad and then leave if you’re not pleased with their appearance.
  13. When asked what wine you prefer, say you just grab whatever is on sale at Trader Joe’s.
  14. Ask if your date has ever been a drug mule before, and if not, would he or she ever consider it?
  15. Repeatedly make arbitrary genocide jokes.
  16. Go on Tinder while your date is talking to you.
  17. Ask if he or she has a hotter twin you could date instead.
  18. Make fun of your date’s outfit.
  19. Send him or her nude photos while he or she is talking and then raise your eyebrows and go, “interested?”
  20. Go into graphic detail concerning the many ways you got sick from all of your orifices after your three-day drinking and drug bender last week.
  21. Say you usually “summer” in rehab.
  22. Nonchalantly take Xanax or Klonopin during the date and offer your date one.
  23. Show him or her the x-rated snapchats you received during the date and ask how he or she measures up.

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Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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