I Wanna Bring Paintball Back

I Wanna Bring Paintball Back

It’s been well over a decade since I felt the cold steel in my hand, but lately, I’ve been getting the itch. I don’t know if it’s just part of my never-ending quest to get my edge back, but I’m on the market for a new hobby. I’m talking about a real hobby, one that will not only leave me poor, bruised, sore, sweaty but will also redline my adrenaline and boost my T to completely unnecessary levels. I need back into the paintball game. Will they take me?

My cred is real. I came into the game packing a Spyder Compact with an aggressively long custom barrel that let me fade dudes from a block away. I was a noob, but I was respected. On any given weekend, you could find me completely decked out in my old man’s Air Force field jacket lugging a box of absurdly overpriced paintballs that he paid for. My crew was made up of fellow suburban dwelling teens looking to blow off some teenage angst by lighting dudes up in a field. Some were castaways from other paintball squads, others just hired guns with no true allegiance, and some were just fellow adrenaline junkies we picked up during our rollerblade phase.

We were good. Maybe a little too good.

I can still hear the screams from the church groups and birthday parties that were unfortunate enough to step into the woods with us. We feasted on dorks that were just looking for a fun little Saturday by renting guns and equipment. Never stood a chance. We had dudes in full ghillie suits crawling around like goddam Tom Berenger in Sniper. Billy Zane’s best movie, by the way.

And now I’m here. My weekend is completely vacant other than a trip to Pottery Barn that I’ve somehow managed to put off since tying the knot. Maybe I can sneak a late-afternoon round of golf in Saturday, but the weather here is fantastic and every goober with a 30 handicap will be out there hacking away. Plus, I need something that will get blood flowing a little bit. So I ask you:

Who’s trying to play some paintball?

I bet I’ve still got it, and even if I’ve slipped a little bit, I’m willing to fully commit to the game again. I’m one of those guys that will dive tits deep into a hobby and not show his face again for weeks. Sure, I’ll bail after I realize that I’m not that great at it, but at least I try. I refuse to apologize for that, because I firmly believe in going hard or going home. Right now, I’m trying to go hard.

Does anybody paintball anymore? I’ve got a wallet full of tax return money that I’m itching to blow on a JT mask with a mirror lens and a Spyder. Holler at your boy.

Image via Shutterstock

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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