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Because I’m a man-child, I just sent my mom and email that read, “Can you apply the payment to this student loan?” Yes, that payment is coming from my bank account. And yes, I send her an email every month because I’m too lazy to figure out how to do it myself. But I, like the rest of you, dread the thought of student loans every month when it comes time to pay the man his money.
I would do filthy things to get these student loans off the books. Like things I’m not willing to type on the internet should I get fired from my job and forced to apply elsewhere in an effort to pay off said student loans. And it turns out I’m not alone, because Lendedu, “an online company that provides information about loan refinancing options” did a poll among 513 graduated students to see just how far they’d go to get rid of their student loan debt.
— 57.89 percent would give up social media for life
— 57.11 percent would give up coffee for life
— 56.73 percent would take a punch from boxer Mike Tyson
— 56.14 percent would abstain from alcohol and drugs for life
— 40.35 percent would take one year off life expectancy
— 35.67 percent would give up texting for life
— 28.07 percent would name first-born daughter Sallie Mae
— 20.47 percent would wear same outfit everyday for life
— 6.47 percent would cut off pinky finger
— 4.68 percent would move to Syria for life
— 4.09 percent would contract a random sexually transmitted disease for life
Alright. I’m… I’m calling bullshit. Sure, some of these aren’t that bad. Would I give up coffee, take one year of my life away, or sacrifice a pinky finger? Sure, I don’t really need any of those things. But these motherfuckers must be in some dire straits if they’re willing to wear the same outfit every day for life or move to fucking Syria.
If you’re willing to move to Syria to make your student loan debt disappear, then why the hell did you go to college in the first place? You’re clearly not smart enough to think for yourself. Like, even Brendan Dassey knows better than to go to college if it means he has to head to Syria for the long haul afterwards.
Here’s a thought — skip college, buy a van, surf for the rest of your life, have no debt, and skip the whole Syria thing. Boom, life problems solved. you’re welcome. .
Image via Shutterstock