Good News: Getting Laid Makes You Happy AND Smarter


Finally, slutting out is getting a good name. According to a study by some scientists at the University of Maryland, getting laid can make you smarter, so hopefully you’re still getting some at least every once in a while.

There are four basic points of interest that you need to concern yourself with:

1. The number of brain cells in your noggin increase after sex.

What does this mean? It means if you have a big test or presentation coming up, you should bang. Bang and then study. Also, if you chew gum while you’re studying and then chew the same flavor of gum during the test, that helps with memory recall. So I’m posing an important philosophical question: if you bang someone before you study, then have sex with the same person in the same place in the same positions before the test or presentation, will that help? This is something I need to know, Maryland.

2. An increase in neurons restores cognitive function, so your memory becomes pretty kick-ass.

Apparently, the place in your brain that makes your memories goes into overdrive post-orgasm. There’s a bunch of scientific and anatomical lingo I could put here, but I majored in PR, not biology. So if you’re wanting specifics, feel free to do your own research. If you’re wanting to remember things, especially for a long time, then go forth and get your genitals wet. As it turns out, sex improves your long-term memory, which explains a lot.

3. If you stop having sex, your improvements peace out.

Not having sex isn’t the only thing that’s going to suck if you’re in the middle of a break-up. For instance, if you’re in a fairly physical relationship, your brain cells and neurons and all that jazz we’ve already talked about are going to take a turn for the positive. However, the moment y’all decide to call it quits, you might notice you can’t remember things for shit like you did, oh, I don’t know…last week. If you can use your new brain cells to justify staying with someone who makes you unhappy, more power to ya. If you happen to be one of those people who “always have someone new lined up,” then low self-esteem and and a poor idea of a relationship are really your only downfalls at the moment. If you’re not getting laid at all right now, then basically you’re just on your own, which probably isn’t news to you.

4. Sex counteracts the effects of stress.

Essentially, sex is just awesome. It makes you feel good physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Had I known all of this information in college and wielded all of its mighty power, the possibilities could have endless. Going rogue seems to get degrees, though. Finals week would be the pinnacle of having sex if anyone could find the time. You could de-stress and 1-up in the smarts department all while gettin’ it with Princess Peach before you defeat Bowser. Yes, I just alluded to Super Mario Bros.

BONUS: Apparently, “smarter teens” tend to lose their virginity a little later in life, as if this is supposed to be news. It’s now just scientifically proven, instead of just assumed, that nerds aren’t exactly sexually active.

DOUBLE BONUS: Tracey Shors, a psychologist I assume I’m supposed to trust, told a bunch of people at a conference for the Society of Neuroscience that “you can make new cells with exercise, Prozac, or sex,” which is good news for postgrads. It’s nice to know that even though we’re not exercising or getting laid, we’re getting our money’s worth out of Prozac.

Basically, letting loose (or being loose, rather) in college was well worth it until we counteracted it all with alcoholism. RIP brain cells. We hardly knew ye.

[via Daily Mail]

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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