Being A Female Is Too Damn Expensive

Being A Female Is Too Damn Expensive

I don’t hate being a woman. In fact, I’m glad to be one. The thought of having genitals and genital accessories that hang down between my legs shakes me to my core. On the flipside, having internal pipes that insist on bleeding for up to seven days a month isn’t really all that jazzy, either. But that’s not the biggest downside to being a woman, by far. The worst part about having strictly X chromosomes isn’t the tampons. It’s the constant and never ending strain on my bank account.

Manicures. Pedicures. Makeup. Waxes. Spray Tans. Highlights. The list goes on. These expenses are strictly cosmetic, ladies and gentlemen. I don’t wake up looking like this every day. In fact, it takes pricey tools and accessories to create this aesthetic. It takes effort. My ladies out there know the deal, (and likely some husbands, too), but I’m here to give you fellas an idea of just how much it costs to be a lady.

Let me begin with a little caveat: I know most of these costs are not necessities. In fact, most are luxuries. Luxuries that, you, gentlemen, take for granted. Luxuries that I enjoy partaking in, when I can afford it. Let’s get after it.

First off, we’ll start with makeup. This is something most women wear likely every day or close to it. Makeup is brutally expensive. I’m talking anywhere from $35-$60 for one freakin’ bottle of liquid foundation. Now, I can make a bottle of foundation last for months and months, but it takes real effort. Meanwhile, dudes scrub their faces with the same bar of Dove soap that cleaned their asses, and all is well.

That doesn’t even begin to touch all the other required products that create a full face of makeup. Moisturizer, concealer, primer, liquid foundation, setting powder, bronzer, blush, contour powder, eyeshadow primer, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, lip gloss, and setting spray. This is just a peek at what is in my makeup bag right now. This is not an exaggeration: if I had to purchase all of the listed products at once, the accumulated price would come in at nearly one thousand dollars. On days that I decide not to wear any makeup at all, I might be trying to preserve the liquid gold that is my Makeup Forever HD foundation. Mull that over next time you want to ask makeup-less Sally from HR if she’s feeling okay or when the urge to tell your girlfriend that she “looks tired” arises.

Next up: manicures and pedicures. I’ve never met a man who didn’t like a girl with a fresh mani/pedi. Manicures can run you around $30-$50, depending on if you go with a Shellac mani or a full set of acrylics, with pedicures coming in around fifty dollars or more, depending on what degree of divine luxury and relaxation you splurge on. The combo can easily tally up to $100 or more, especially after tipping the Vietnamese lady who most likely shit-talked your ugly toes the entire visit.

Lest we forget those pesky highlights and hair-color appointments. As a bottle-blonde, my hair sometimes costs a cool $200. It can cost this much every five or six weeks, depending on how depressed I’m willing to feel while watching my roots grow out to trailer-park proportions. Seriously, guys, how much are you forking out for a trim at SuperCuts?

I’m gonna throw waxes and spray tans in here last, since when it comes time for budget cuts, these are the first to go. You guys like silky smooth legs, right? Completely hairless downstairs-situations? Two separate eyebrows instead of one? Right. Well Brazilian waxes start at around $60 a pop AND they hurt like a bitch. Eyebrow waxes are $15 and the waxer can ruin your life in an instant. Tanning beds have been scientifically proven to cause death, but thank God Linda down at Caesar’s Tan can spray my naked and trembling body with an ice-cold and organic mixture that makes me smell like Fritos for only $45.

It’s a struggle, guys. A financial struggle. So next time you are feeling charitable or an anniversary rolls around, just remember: bitches love manicures. Champagne doesn’t hurt, either.

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