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As I sit here on Sunday evening, I find it hard to write a mocking, witty article, given the events in Orlando early this morning. But the world – and internet satire – must go on. So with thoughts and prayers with the victims and families, let’s try and bring some laughter into this Monday morning.
Draymond Green
The NBA playoffs are one of the biggest stages in basketball, and The Golden State Warriors’ Draymond Green just got himself kicked off of it…for one game at least.
According to The Bleacher Report,
As the Warriors created separation down the stretch Friday night, tempers flared when James attempted to blow up a screen Green was setting for point guard Stephen Curry. The two then exchanged words after Green fell to the floor and appeared to make contact with James’ groin area.
James actually wasn’t bothered by the groin contact; instead, he told ESPN.com’s Brian Windhorst he was bothered by Green’s words as he stepped over him,
Draymond just said something that I don’t agree with. I’m all cool with the competition. I’m all fine with that, but some of the words that came out of his mouth were a little bit overboard. Being a guy with pride, a guy with three kids and a family, things of that nature, some things just go overboard, and that’s where he took it, and that was it.
While the altercation itself didn’t seem like that big of a deal, it was the latest in a list of offenses for Green, and the league lowered the boom, suspending him for Game 5 of the series.
BREAKING: Draymond Green has been suspended for Game 5 of the NBA Finals. pic.twitter.com/5HkCPw7YV3
— The Crossover (@TheCrossover) June 12, 2016
Note to Green: just keep away from people’s crotches. It’s not that hard, buddy. [via The Bleacher Report]
Juan Uribe
Lots of groin talk this week, apparently.
Cleveland Indians third baseman Juan Uribe experienced what I can only imagine is every baseball player’s worst fear on Sunday, when he took a grounder off the bat of the Angels’ Mike Trout directly in the twig and berries.
For the first time, Statcast has produced information I find interesting. The ball that struck Uribe's privates was traveling at 106 mph.
— Dylan Hernández (@dylanohernandez) June 12, 2016
A ball traveling 106 miles an hour at your crotch apparently garners you a “lower body injury,” which is the term the MLB used to describe Uribe’s condition as he was carted off the field.
Hopefully Uribe and his wife didn’t want any more children. [via For The Win]
Marilyn Mullins
Being sick enough to have to spend time in the hospital sucks enough, but what if after your stay, you came home to find a condolence card…for your own death?
That’s exactly what happened to 62-year-old Marilyn Mullins of Crozet, VA. After her release from the hospital for an undisclosed illness, Mullins received a letter addressed to her family that stated:
In the weeks since Mrs. Mullins death, we at Martha Jefferson [the hospital Mullins stayed at] have remembered her and your family.
‘May you continue to find comfort in one another’s presence. May the sharing of warm memories strengthen your most treasured ties to her.
Mullins initially found the mix up to be amusing, but freaked out when it occurred to her that her “death” may cut off her pension and social security payments. Turns out that Mullins’ “death” was a simple internal clerical error; a unit secretary accidentally checked the wrong box on a hospital form, marking her as deceased instead of discharged.
Well, at least Ms. Mullins knows that someone will send a card when she really does pass away. [via The Daily Mail]
Kelly Swisher
I hate, hate, HATE snakes. They scare the ever-living crap out of me. So if what happened to Arkansas resident Kelly Swisher happened to me, I would never drive again.
Ms. Swisher was running some errands on Thursday, when according to The New York Daily News, “a 4-foot-long rat snake fell from her dashboard and onto her feet while she was driving on the highway.” OH. MY. GOD.
Even crazier? Swisher kept driving as the snake went back up into her dashboard, whereas I would have thrown my car into park in the middle of the road and run screaming from the vehicle. The snake re-appeared and wound up in Swisher’s backseat, where animal control eventually retrieved the creepy crawly when Swisher eventually pulled over.
Ew ew ew ew ew. That’s all I can say. [via New York Daily News]
Zayn Malik
I suffer from anxiety, and after many years of denying it, I finally addressed the issue with medication. So I can sympathize with former One Directioner Zayn Malik, who cancelled a UK appearance on Saturday due to “the worst anxiety of my career.”
— zayn (@zaynmalik) June 11, 2016
Of course, Malik’s weekend probably wasn’t that bad; he was spotted holding hands with his on-again supermodel girlfriend Gigi Hadid in New York on Friday. So maybe the people that actually had a bad weekend were Malik’s fans?.
[via US Weekly]
Image via YouTube
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
Eric Clapton once played a concert laying down on his back because he was so drunk he couldn’t stand up. They just don’t make rock stars like they used to.
Dave Grohl begs to differ.
Dave Grohl is a legend. And he’s also a totally different generation than these One Direction pussies.
No mention of Brazil losing to Peru?
Somewhere, Diego Maradona is smiling
Hi fellow soccer person!
Deandre Yedlin could also be a contender but Brazil definitely got jobbed. They played like shit but nobody deserves to lose like that.
Draymond’s is total bullshit. His kick against Adams was way worse and way more blatant, if anything he should’ve been suspended for that. This is just the NBA trying their best to extend the series and give Cleveland any possible advantage that they can get. There’s no way that they would’ve suspended Draymond for that if the Cavs were up 3-1 in the series.
Fuck that. Intent is still intent. Stopping trying to kick your fellow men in their balls.
Unless Draymond’s foot is located where his head is, he clearly did not try to kick Lebron. Maybe Lebron should try to not step over players when they’re getting up after being knocked down by him.
Ser Draymond of House Golden State is hereby sentenced to a one game suspension for intent to smash the Royal Nuts
Which is why I would love to see the Cavs lose by 30 again.
He was suspended because it was his 5th flagrant of the playoffs, not because it was perceived as a worse penalty.