My new drug dealer is my doctor. PGP.

This isn’t the job I deserved, but the job I needed. PGP.

My life isn’t really dope, and I rarely do dope shit. #PGP

My bank account sits at -$13.47. I am worth negative one medium, no topping pizza. PGP.

There’s more liquor in my desk than my apartment. PGP.

Everyone in my company uses stand up desks. PGP.

Didn’t wake up as a Victoria’s Secret Angel this morning. PGP.

Can’t tell if that smell is my apartment’s plumbing or my laundry pile. PGP.

I eat at the same five places every week. PGP.

Losing the privilege of working from home. PGP.

Young enough to hate gray hairs. Too poor to do anything about it. PGP.

Releasing the flow and ripping one at the urinal almost simultaneously. PGP.

It’s 10:30am and I’ve already hit my Pandora skip limit. PGP.

The longest commitment I’ve kept this year has been my lease. PGP.

Motivation plummeting after 3:00. PGP.

My boyfriend still pisses the bed when he’s drunk. PGP.

My girlfriend won’t even let me watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. PGP.

Your girlfriend wearing sweatpants to watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. PGP.

I ate healthy last week and still managed to gain two lbs. PGP.

Friendly reminders are never friendly. PGP.