My Mom and my boyfriend are the only people that email me at work. PGP.

Pregamed my hometown bars at Applebee’s. PGP.

Hitting a month-end goal and still being behind everyone else on the team. PGP.

Ending every mean email with exclamation marks and a smiley face. PGPM.

There’s someone in this city that wants to have sex with me, right? RIGHT?! PGP.

Kyle Orton just retired at half the age I hope to retire. PGP.

Using the rent money for New Year’s Eve. PGP.

Thought I could get away with wearing jeans into our near-empty office today. Still got called into HR. PGP.

The only handicapped person in our office complex and I have the same poop schedule. PGP.

My VP just told me I wouldn’t last a day in prison. PGP.

Monday, you son of a bitch. PGP.

Got a clothing iron for Christmas. PGP.