My new office is about 90% women and 99% of them have boyfriends or husbands. PGP

Only being able to tell your coworkers the PG13, edited for TV, version of your weekend. PGP

The high I get when going rogue with my to-do list. PGP.

Preempting heartburn by immediately chasing a greasy sandwich with a shot of Pepto. PGP

At least Jordan Speith and I have the same hair line.

Can’t remember the last time I had a tan lines.

I just had to explain the concept of a hyperlink to a coworker. PGP.

Found out today we’re moving offices, I don’t think I’ll be here long enough to worry about the move. PGP

I have no idea how to do my taxes. PGP.

My back has just informed me that it’s official: I’m too old for shower sex.

Looking for your Times New Roman in the streets who’s a Wingdings in the sheets, but content on settling with a Calibri every time.

When I start thinking that I won’t have an original idea, I just remind myself that Jimmy Buffett wrote a song about goddamn cheeseburgers and is now a multimillionaire.