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Despite what every millennial site on the internet will tell you, there truly is no cure for a hangover. Only small occurrences that cause you to forget that you hate your life because of the decisions you made all weekend. Sometimes it’s pho, sometimes it’s a quarter-life crisis, and sometimes it’s a bagel smothered in cream cheese that will make you choke and think you can actually die from a hangover.
Other times? It’s retail therapy.
If I had it my way, my hangovers would look exactly like the “I Need A Girl Pt. 2” video by P. Diddy ft. Ginuwine, Loon, and Mario Winans. Luxurious, expensive, upscale – the whole works. Because when the hair of the dog seems too daunting and I’ve got nothing else to live for, the only thing that’ll clear my head is getting as bougie as possible.
You know, within reason.
Sunglasses
The only reason I actually own a pair of Persols is because of Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch and Jude Law in The Talented Mr. Ripley. And because money isn’t an option when the sun is bright and you spent the night before downing Dark and Stormies. I’d venture to guess that 100% of my sunglasses were purchased after a night where I drank enough to at least kind of hate myself the next morning.
Look good, feel good, play good. Or at least feel less hungover.
Lobster
Lobster. Buttery, boiled lobster. Not to get all Bubba-from-Forrest–Gump on you, but there are legitimately a million ways you can prepare lobster that will soothe your hangover.
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had lobster and I wasn’t just brutally hungover. Lobster is for celebratory times. Birthdays, New Year’s, Labor Day, 4th of July, casual white-people lobster bakes, or what have you. The only time I’m not hungover during those events? The day before those events actually occur.
If there’s one way to cure a hangover, it’s by eating shellfish at $14.99/lb while slurping down a couple gin and tonics out of a highball.
Champagne
Whether you’re at a cocktail party or crushing some mid-morning mimos, going on a champagne campaign never hurt anyone. (Disclaimer: That is the the most false thing I’ve ever said).
The two best buzzes you can catch? Sake (reserved for once a quarter) and champagne. You’re alert, your stomach isn’t overflowing with foam, and you’re normally in a pretty high-octane situation when you’re ingesting both. Get that blood flowing a little bit? Hangover gone.
Lawns
Someone once looked at my Instagram account and said, “You love grass.” Well yeah, I do love grass. It’s the safe haven for anyone who thinks they’re possibly dying from alcohol poisoning. The smell, the feel – it’s mother nature’s water bed. That comparison doesn’t totally make sense, but I know you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
Toss the pigskin? Play a little croquet? Maybe some badminton tickles your fancy. Beer-in-hand soccer? Yeah, I call team captain.
Lawn games can only go so far, though. Sometimes you have to bring in refreshing reinforcements –
Swimming Pools
Someone say “aquatic games?” No? Well, I just did because aquatic games are the best kind of games.
Pool basketball. Diving contests. Cannonballs. Wabobas. No matter what you do or how you do it, aquatic games kill some Sunday Scaries, especially around a pool.
In life, there are only three places you can drink and time doesn’t exist: airports, golf courses, and swimming pools. If that isn’t a trifecta you want in on, I don’t want to nurse my hangovers with you.
Overly-Expensive Body Lotion
The best way to clean a messy apartment is by wiping down the coffee table. The best way to make yourself smell better after a day of sweating out alcohol is by rubbing in some body lotion that’s out of your price range. I once made a bottle of Acqua di Parma last about three years because I was so damn dedicated to the hungover lotion game. If your body is going to feel like you just got brought down in a rugby scrum, you might as well smell good while getting hit.
Porches
What do porches stand for? Grilling, tanning, and chilling the most.
A whitewashed porch in the middle of summer can make anyone feel like there isn’t a care in the world. Your vantage point over the lawn, swimming pool, or lake while you toss some lobster tails on the grill is an unparalleled safe haven for anyone wondering if they might have a bit of an alcohol problem or if they just took a mid-summer bender too far.
Club Sandwiches
I’ll never fully come to grips with the fact that people think that BLTs are somehow better than Club Sandwiches. They’re essentially the same thing, but one has cold stacked turkey on it. Win-win situation.
“Club sandwiches aren’t really even that bougie though,” you might tell yourself until you realize that the places that make the best clubs are golf courses, yacht clubs, and any restaurant that has “applewood smoked bacon” instead of just “regular bacon.”
I mean, they’re at least better than that bagel with cream cheese. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Club Sandwiches being better than BLTs is an absolutely correct take
BLT’s are the club sandwich for people teetering the poverty line and that club’s membership is getting a cult like following
Will, you remind me a lot of Tom off of Parks and Rex.
Wonder what our very own Monalisa Sapperstein has to say about this.
Yes hello I heard the Mona Lisa signal was cast?
I made my money the old fashioned way, I got run over by a Lexus.
Lexus…not as cool as a Rol-Lexus
I’d prefer Dev during the two Italy episodes from ‘Master of None’ but that still works.
I’m the opposite, when I’m hungover I get trashier. Get me some cigarettes, some off brand Red Bull, and a quarter pounder and I’m back in action.
Please don’t kill yourself slowly like that, your life is worth living
I’m all about embracing the sweet relief of death as slowly and as painfully as possible though. Let me live my truth.
That is living
I’d add boats to this list. Going out on the water has done wonders for my hangovers lately.
Can confirm. My parents own a pontoon and anytime the family has got together over the years, we’ll get drunk together at night and wake up bright and early for the boat the next day and boom no hangovers
Eucalyptus steam rooms.
Read: The Executive Workout.
Congrats on getting drunk on a work night
Would like to point out that both Applebee’s and Wendy’s advertising “applewood smoked bacon” and AB has a club sandwich on their menu.
In conclusion, Will likes Applebee’s.
I’m fine with Club Bee’s. I’m not too high brow for it.
Doing a business lunch today at the ‘bees. Nbd kbd (no big deal, kinda big deal)
Kinda shocked steam room/sauna didn’t make the list. Nothing better than grabbing the biggest Fiji water you can find and sweating it out for a good half hour.
If you’re really feeling bougie, throw a massage on top of that and you are back.
Light cardio and heavy steam room with a big bottle of water is the move
Whatever happened to Gatorade and ibuprofen
The poors claimed it as their trademark hangover symbol.
Ew, gross.
Failure to launch is a thoroughly underrated movie. Also wheres the love for Steve McQueen the man made Persols cool