We Get It, You Live In Colorado

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#coloRADo #neature #hiking #exploreCO #coloradical

Recognize any of those hashtags? If you’ve got friends who live in Colorado, then I’m sure you do. Every Instagram they post from their beloved state will be littered with hashtags similar to the above.

I’m not in the business of bashing cities. I love visiting spots in the vast expanse of land we call a country and my trip to Denver over Thanksgiving last year was no exception. I got over to Breckenridge for a few days, saw the sights in downtown Denver, and in general had a grand old time.

I would never live there, of course, because I really didn’t think it was all that great compared to Chicago but I definitely had fun. Natives to Colorado are not the problem. It’s the transplants that feel the need to document everything they’re doing out west that I have a problem with. There is a certain kind of person that moves to Colorado and that person is not me.

It’s almost as if the residents of The Centennial State are brainwashed when they inevitably move to one of four cities: Denver, Boulder, Fort Collins, or Colorado Springs.

They are delusional, paranoid attention seekers. They tell themselves that as Coloradans if they don’t get a picture posted of them hiking, skiing, walking their stupid fucking dog, or seeing a Phish show at Red Rocks that the rest of the universe will forget about the fact that they do in fact live there.

Can we all as a collective just agree that being outdoorsy is a huge pain in the ass? Show me something fun that you can do whilst hiking and I’ll show you my living room, complete with air conditioning, a television, and snacks.

I mean seriously. For fuck’s sake, guys. Is there a quota in your lease agreement when you move to Colorado that says you have to post at least one picture on Instagram per week of a mountain or some awesome hiking trail that you stumbled upon?

I can understand why kids my age flock to Colorado. You can go from the mountain to a chic bar in downtown Denver in a matter of hours or go camping in the summertime and feel like you’re a million miles away from civilization but guess what?

Going skiing. Heading out for a daytime hike through a mountainous region. It’s all a fucking process. All of those activities seem fun in theory, but when you actually execute them, you realize that it’s a lot of work. A goddamn hassle.

I’ve been to Colorado several times in my life. In order to really make a ski trip worth your while, you either need to rent a ski-in/ski-out or wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and drive an hour or two up to a mountain.

After that, you’re going to need to watch how many apres-ski beers you have because you’ve got to be able to drive home at the end of that long day on the slopes. You’re probably saying to yourself “But John, what about the camping? What about all of the other great outdoor activities you can participate in when you live in coloRADo?”

I would rather get a root canal than go camping. Camping fucking sucks and so does hiking. If I want to workout I’m going to the gym. I’m not hiking up a mountain and getting assaulted by the elements and bugs that I don’t know the name of.

I can admit that I’m probably a tad biased when it comes to Colorado because I am not outdoorsy in any way, shape, or form. I can also admit that for some people those activities that I’ve just bashed are fun. There is no need to post a picture of said activities every goddamn weekend, though. It’s just unnecessary and the hashtag #coloRADo has been way overused at this point. Get it together, Coloradans.

Image via Unsplash

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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