Strip Clubs, Seizures, And Exes: These Are The Worst Stories From The Weekend

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Cure Your Monday Blues With These Drunken Reader-Submitted Stories From The Weekend

I was laughed at for my weekend plans on the most recent episode of Touching Base (Listen: Episode 91 of Touching Base with Ross Bolen). What began with an 8:25 tee time turned into a joy ride on a boat, which eventually turned into me being too tired to function at the wedding after-party. “I didn’t even drink that much,” I told myself yesterday when I woke up half-dead. “I can’t hang anymore.”

I sweat out all the booze in a birthday RIDE class where Justin Bieber and Sia blasted while I attempted not to throw up during the bump portion. Wind it down with a dinner of Indian Food and three Speckled Hens, and yeah, I’m feeling pretty bloated and disgusting at my desk this Monday morning.

But at least I’m not these people.

Oh Will do I have a story for you.

Sending this early because I’ll be day drinking at a concert today probably doing more dumb shit.

Friday I watched part of the Cavs game at a friend’s house, but because we live in Ohio and we were winning, we went out to watch the rest. I blacked out completely (only vaguely remember the end of the game). I tried to take a recommendation from Duda and ordered a vodka water and I think that’s where it all went wrong. I made out with a random guy and my friends left me there so the guy had to take me back to their house. I was locked out so I broke their window to get in. Didn’t set an alarm so I missed an 8 am breakfast meeting with our board of directors. And had to deal with one of the worst hangovers I’ve ever had. However, I managed to only spend $8 so that’s cool I guess.

Your first mistake was taking advice from Duda. Sure, it was probably some of the sagest advice he’s given, but still. Either way, doesn’t seem like an ideal situation to miss a meeting with the board of directors. I get nervous about being five minutes late for a tee time so a board of directors meeting is out of the question. Luckily I blog for a living, so.

Went out for a girl’s night that turned into a “Things Girls Do After Graduation”-esque mess that caused me to wake up at my ex-boyfriend’s apartment. He wasn’t there, and I soon found out he was out of town for a bachelor party. Apparently I fell asleep outside of his door and his roommate let me in when he got home at 3 a.m. At least I didn’t try to sleep with him, I guess?

You might want to at least make out with the roommate in hopes of convincing him that he shouldn’t tell your ex that you acted like a psycho while he was probably in talking to strippers in Vegas or Scottsdale. There’s probably a photo of you asleep outside their apartment on his roommate’s phone, though. Sorry.

Snuck out of work early and drove to Dallas to see some old fraternity brothers. We proceeded to get rip roaring drunk on Friday. I then decided it was a great idea to drunk dial my ex and profess my love to her. Woke up Saturday to some less than pleasant messages and decided to burn the weekend to the ground. I consumed roughly my body weight in vodka and went to the strip club. 300 dollars later and a violent hangover later, I drove home with a bruised pelvis from what I can only assume was a very aggressive lap dance.

This has to be the ex-boyfriend of the girl above, no?

How does one bruise their pelvis from someone else giving them a lapdance? I’m not really a huge lapdance guy but I’ve had enough to know that it’s not child’s play if you’re walking away needing a pillow to sit on for the rest of the night.

Fell of a boat with my phone in my pocket about 60 seconds after putting my phone in said pocket. Local Apple Store can’t see me until Tuesday, and I’m writing this from my work computer that I’m too afraid to install iMessage on.

Been there, champ. Side note: trying to soak your phone in a bag of quinoa after it gets water damage is not the same as using a bag of rice.

This weekend I had my college degenerate friends visiting in Dallas. Big city living, big party, so I went to show them the local shenanigans. Started Friday by losing a bunch of money for my company and making it up by going out with my neighbor who turned out to be a class 5 clinger (Psychotic would be an understatement).

Keeping it up on a Saturday boat party to one of the best days of the year so far, to draining the boat’s battery and being castaways (s/o to the old man who towed us back to shore), to ending up in a dive bar, to hiding from said neighbor from knocking on my door at 4 am while blasting my phone (met her 24 hours previously).

Coming down to Sunday funday with the best pool party in town chugging down VS and tacos, to an uptown club party. Our drink count is up in the 15’s each, my boss’s emails are 3, and completely worth it for the dime I got a date with this week. Sick day email will be on the way to bossman’s inbox soon.

Cheers to poor life choices!

This has “Dallas $30,000 Millionaire” written all over it, and I kind of love it. There’s something about heading into Dallas and just knowing that the douchie part of your personality is going to get kicked up a notch.

Left work on Friday to go to typical happy hour that turns into all nighter at my regular bar. I asked the bouncer if he could drive me home just so I could stay and keep drinking after the bar closed – wound up sleeping with him. Saturday I started drinking at 11 AM and didn’t stop until 2 AM. Sunday woke up and went to brunch for 2 mins because I got the shakes to the point where I couldn’t even hold my phone and then my face, eyes, and mouth starting twitching uncontrollably. I’m talking lips shaking, eyes and forehead going up and down, the whole thing. Go to urgent care and turns out I was having an acute seizure from alcohol withdrawals. Time to get my act together.

This is what happens when you drink all night and all day after the age of 21, kids. Remember in high school when your body could bounce back after chugging the better part of a handle of $9 vodka? Those days are long gone, and if you’re not careful, you’ll have to leave brunch with an acute seizure.

Oh, and she sent a follow-up.

Forgot to mention I also made out with my uber driver Saturday night.

Of course, you did.

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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