======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. I sit here with a heavy heart looking at engagement photos that I thought I’d never be forced to see. It is with not a hint of jest in my voice that I say we as a human race deserve everything bad that comes our way from here on out.
Two years ago, we thought we had it bad. The worst we’d see when a young couple decided to take the next step in their relationship was rolled up Tom Sawyer-esque jeans on the beach, and maybe even a chalkboard with a wedding date written on it. But now, times have truly changed. We’ve reached a new level of insufferability that I never thought possible. In my wildest Pinterest dreams, never did I think this could ever happen.
I’m talking, of course, about the “avocado proposal,” a trend that feels so tongue-in-cheek that I can’t believe it’s actually fucking happening. They say millenials are killing everything and for once I’m inclined to believe them.
Let me take you back to 17 months ago, September 16, 2016 — the first trace of “avocado proposal” in recorded history. A dark day indeed.
It’s difficult to divert your attention from this young man proposing in flip-flops, but he took his tackiness to another level by slicing open an avocado and placing a ring inside of it. I know it may be difficult to keep reading this given how grave the situation is, but please, stay with me.
Shortly thereafter, another.
It’s unknown whether or not he was wearing flip-flops while following through on this as well, but we have to assume the worst at this point. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing says “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” like an over-ripe avocado that you’d that you’d rather throw away than dress your cobb salad with. I can’t imagine the overwhelming joy his fiancée must have felt when she wiped the brown mush off the base of the ring and slid it onto her finger. Truly breathtaking in all the wrong ways.
You’d think we could leave these in the past. Consider them outliers. Do anything to forget that this ever happened, not once but twice. Unfortunately, even the Men In Black memory eraser pen couldn’t stop us from forgetting it. One week ago, the trned was brought back into the limelight. The godforsaken avocado proposal. A viral sensation for all the wrong reasons.
“Tag someone who should propose like this,” the post says. Doing my due diligence, I preemptively blocked every single person who commented on this post. These are not people I want to have in my life, nor are they people you should want in yours.
This “trend” is something that I urge you to resist. Worse than Christmas proposals, worse than pear-cut diamonds, worse than people who include “The Cha-Cha Slide” on their wedding playlists. Please say “no” to the avocado proposal before the baby boomers find out what we’re doing and blame something else on us. We deserve better than this.
Or maybe we don’t. .