Weekend after weekend, we collect the worst drunken reader-submitted stories that will undoubtedly make you feel better about yourself.
The week before a long weekend is like one giant Friday. For everyone who says, “I need a weekend to recover from my weekend,” you can plow through this week just knowing that you’ve got that Monday off and an even shorter week ahead of you next week.
In celebration of Memorial Day, we’re doing a Memorial Day Sale on Man Outfitters. If you use the code MEMORIAL20, you can get 20 percent off a ton of brands including Patagonia, Billabong, RVCA, Sperry, Katin, Southern Marsh, and more.
Again, the code is MEMORIAL20 so get shopping since not everything will last.
Alright, enough minutiae. Let’s get to this weekend’s worst stories which are found unedited in blockquotes below. As always, if you have a story of your own, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org for everyone to see. Always anonymous.
Long time second time. Keep up the great work, everyone. Will, you’re doing the lord’s work.
To keep things short, I haven’t been to work in 10 days. Left last Thursday for a weekend festival in my GF’s hometown and a short sun-wed vacation with her ahead of a bachelor party wed-sat. On top of this, due to travel plans every weekend, my roommates and I had to move Sunday.
Had a great time and nothing got too out of hand, but due to some difficulties with flights, I ended up waking up at 4 am to catch a 6 am flight, then spent the day packing and moving everything I own. Took all day and still didn’t get everything done; I slept on a mattress without sheets on the floor last night.
I’m usually not an anxious person, but the combination of sleep deprivation, disheveled personal space, and a week+ of missed work is hitting harder than bad-decision scaries ever could.
Really didn’t hold any punches to kick this week’s stories off. I can’t tell what’s more insane — going to a weekend festival just before a bachelor party, or going to a bachelor party knowing you’re going to have to move your entire life. During my last bachelor party, I woke up for an early flight (pro move) and spent the rest of the day in bed licking my wounds. It’s the only way to live. Moving is literally the opposite of that.
Hey Will, LTFT here. This story happened over Christmas break while I was visiting home, didn’t feel as if it was story worthy until talking to some buddies about it. Saturday night, the night before Christmas Eve I decide to go to a friends house party whom I haven’t seen in a long time. I get off work at midnight and head over, it’s about a half hour drive so I don’t even get there until 12:30. My buddy has about 4 or 5 tall bud lights waiting for me I slowly start to drink and play pong. The party starts to die down at about 3 and I’m just starting to feel good, I decide to try and keep the party going by shotgunning 2 tall boys. Head downstairs and hang out, 2 sketchy guys offer me some blow. I’m like what the hell might as well. Put a little on my gums and I start to feel really good. Then the same 2 guys offer me something to trip on. (To this day I don’t know what it was, I’m thinking LSD). And smoke a little as well. It’s about 4 and we start playing pong again, but the rule is every time someone else hits a shot you take a pull of Jager. Then the blackout hits I have absolutely no idea what happened after that. I wake up in the morning with at least 8 missed phone calls from my mom asking why I didn’t show up to church on Christmas Eve, then tells me to get to the house for Christmas lunch. I tell her okay I’ll be there, I walk out of the room and realize I puked all over the walls in the house right outside the room. Clean it up and get on my way, I feel like shit on my way home and have to pull over a few times to puke, the problem was we had a big snowstorm that same night, drove through about 8 inches of snow puking the whole way back. Then I had to sit through family dinner hungover and feeling like shit. Definitely not the best of times.
What the hell is wrong with you. It’s December 23rd and you’re partying like you’re in The Wolf of Wall Street. Get drunk on your parents’ couch with scotch from their liquor cabinet like the rest of us, freak.
Let’s get into it. Last weekend was graduation for my brother who happens to be my twin. We went to different schools and I finished a year before him, but regardless I travel 2 hours north to see him and shortly after the ceremony we start taking shots and getting trashed.
We Uber to the bar about 20 minutes away and I’m feeling good. After about an hour there we get separated being as inebriated as we are. I wonder into a new bar where a group of guys act like they know me. After a few congratulations I realize they think I’m my twin and I roll with it. They are buying me shots upon shots and I’m at blackout. I black-in standing outside a bar completely a lone, no phone, no wallet, no idea where I am. I black-out again after realizing I’m screwed. I wake up drenched in water from head to toe fully clothed on my brothers door step with no recollection of what or how i made it back.
Grateful that I’m alive, and have made it back to my home. I am going to crawl up on the couch and finish season 7 of game of thrones and try to forget what little I remember.
Love the subtle humblebrag/jab of graduating a full year before your twin brother. Take that, bro. And then to accept shots on his behalf? I think we know who won the birth lottery between you two.
Also, going to shampoo “try to forget what little I remember” into my rotation.
Spent over $1,100 on flights that will result in two west to east Sunday night red eye flights. Within 14 days of each other, not taking either Monday off. The first one will be international Vancouver to Atlanta, coming off a bachelor party.
Nothing worse than the west-to-east-coast travel schedule. I’m going SFO to Austin on Monday and I’m even dreading that. I guess you just need to lock down some of that Cali/Canada good-good and sleep the entire time. It’s the only way.
Super Bad Sunday Scaries
JK I’m on vacation until Tuesday then taking next Friday off. Vacation Will is in full effect. (Go to nighthawk next time you’re in LA for brunch. Trust me)
Scaries for someone else though, I saw someone kicked out of a Taylor swift concert and get yelled at by their gf as they were kicked out. T&Ps for them.
Also can you change pgp into PGD, post grad dogs? For dogs who have graduated obedience school. Show off the good boys and girls.
See, this is just mean. Dunking on people who have actual Sunday Scaries when you’re in full vacation mode is just maniacal.
I graduated from graduate school this weekend. It was a fantastic time spent with friends, family, and always at least one drink in my hand at most given moments (including during the ceremony where we snuck in nips…10/10 recommend for any graduation. These things are incredibly boring, even when they’re your own).
I start my brand new big girl job tomorrow in a new city. I thought it was almost poetic when they selected my start date to be the Monday after graduation weekend. Now that I’ve officially got the degree, why not get started right away?
I can tell you now, as I make my way home (to my parents house, hello new roomies) coming off my brunch buzz and exhausted from minimum sleeping, that agreeing to start Monday was a terrible decision. I should have given myself at least one recovery day. My Sunday Scaries are skyrocketing as I set alarms and reminders for all the things I need to do before tomorrow morning. Goodbye, sweet freedom of not having to work full-time…
Send best wishes as ya girl tries to make it big in NYC. Oh, and did I mention I have to commute from home the first two months until I can finalize my apartment situation? It’s an hour and fifteen minute drive without traffic, so I’ll need to give myself at least two hours. Feel free to drop some podcast recommendations outside of the Grandex network so I can stay sane during the four hours I’m in a car everyday. Otherwise, let’s hope I can quickly get used to regularly waking up at 5am during the workweek.
One regret I’ll always have ahead of starting a new job is not taking off an extra couple weeks in between gigs to relax and get my mind right. Maybe even visit a friend or something. Just go off the grid and get some me-time.
What I’ve learned is that if a company needs you that bad, you either don’t want to start at that company in the first place and/or they’ll make accommodations for you. To anyone new out there, give yourself a little time to figure shit out. It’ll be okay.
Oh, and subscribe to Touching Base. New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday and even more if you’re into The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.
I started the weekend with a Friday afternoon delivery of new furniture to the apartment that I share with my boyfriend of 5 years and our cat. This weekend ends with me, single, and my cat and my brand new furniture in an apartment I can’t afford to rent by myself. He said he wasn’t ready to build a life with me, and I’m just wondering when he thought life-building begins because I was under the impression that we crossed the bridge about two years ago.
Five years and now he’s not ready to build a life with you? Come on. I’m not going to get Dillon Mailbag-y on you, but I bet this dude gets drunk all this coming weekend and realizes what he’s done. What a numbskull.
First time submitter, long time reader. This column gets me through each Monday at the office and I’m surprised but a bit disappointed I have concluded a cringeworthy and submittable weekend for the column. So let’s get into it:
This weekend was already a collision course for excessive binge drinking and finding the solution to my troubles at the bottom of every bottle in sight solely bc I just found out this week from the girl I hooked up with 10 days ago tested positive for herpes.. So please send some T’s & P’s my way as I await my test results this Monday. As I tried to suppress every thought of my sexual future ending, I headed to Calabasas for my old pledge bro’s sister’s graduation house party. The party started at 2 so it was a day long party filled with pool side jungle juice and shit faced CSU northridge graduates. My boy’s sister has a 25 year old best friend who is married and mother to a 2 year old and a newborn (way to cut the party off at 9 pm). Lets name her, Laurel for confidentially. Well after 6 hours of graduation shots and talking my boy’s old man’s ear off over grey goose martinis, I blacked out for roughly 90 minutes. Blacking back in, I find myself at a table being convinced by my pledge bro, his sister and random third friend that I suckled, I repeat sucking milk straight from Yanny’s tits. Apparently some guys wanted to take a shot of the milk and booze brains over hear shouted I want some straight from the tit. A very intoxicated and ballsy, Laurel agreed to such a request and I ask the readers. did Yanny cheat? or na?
This was a lot for a Monday morning. I’m not saying that as a bad thing, but I wasn’t expecting what was delivered. I don’t think Laurel cheated, but I would be surprised if Laurel’s husband was down with his wife getting milked by random dudes with herpes.
I graduated yesterday and have no job lined up.
Oh no. I take back what I said earlier. Get any job you can.
Got several hours of work to get through before Monday morning and just found out that our cable provider dropped HGTV from our package.
I don’t know how to get through Sunday evening without Lakefront Bargain Hunt. Prayers appreciated.
That’s just messed up. But have you ever watched Frasier? Ha, just kidding. But seriously. I’ve been dipping into HBO’s Barry lately, as well as Atlanta Season 2. I wouldn’t recommend watching Atlanta on Sunday nights though because the Teddy Perkins episode was enough to force me to take an Ambien to fall asleep last night.
Well it has been a while since I’ve done anything worth writing into this. Call it getting older/lamer/responsible, but this weekend dropped me back down to degenerate again.
Plan started out simple. I went to get a solid base of food in my stomach before day drinking at the pool with boys. Skyline is an underrated base before drinking. (I know the haters are going to be ready with their takes about this). After eating I was walking to my car and heard some music. It’s a sunny Saturday, could be anything, and since I needed to head that way to get out of the parking lot I decided I might as well see what it is. What I found was a hidden beerfest. No signs, no advertising, just fences covered in breweries signs. I walked up and asked the lady working what was going on and was told it’s $20 to get in and you get 15 tickets (1 beer a ticket) or $25 get a glass and unlimited beers.
I immediately sent out a group text to get everyone to this beerfest, within the hour we were all there ready to party. I was still playing this smart, I knew I didn’t want to blackout before 7 when this ended and it was already 12. I paced myself with all light beers, Saisons, sours, whitbiers, etc. some of my friends went too hard too fast and we got them an Uber home. Started with 8, by 5p we were down to 3. And this is when everything took a turn for me. I ran into an ex I dated a year ago. It was a clean breakup and I just wanted to be cordial and say hi before I left. Well unbeknownst to me, as I was talking to her, an old tinder hook up I haven’t seen in months came up and punched my ex in the face which led to all of us being kicked out. My friends and I get home and drink laughing about everything that went down.
This is when I find out two different friend groups were in town for bachelorette parties and wanted me to come out. Drunk me thought I could make a quick appearance at both say hi and go home and sleep. They were both at bars right across the street from each other couldn’t be any easier, Nope. I was immediately met with shots of fireball and lemon drops upon arrival and a sloppy drunk aggressive kiss by one asking how come I slept with her grand and big but not her in college.
Left after saying quick hi to bride to be and quickly left to the other one. Where I was immediately met with a bottle of fireball poured down my throat and vodka chaser. I wake up to my moms call telling me I’m late and need to go take my sister to church. After the call I notice I’m next to the 2nd bachelorette both us our naked and I have sex pee, don’t remember any of it. And while I was at church, I don’t what the priest was saying, but it must have been an exorcism because I immediately needed to puke, I just couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time and puked all in the holy water/baptism tub. Btw this isn’t in the lobby hidden from the congregation, this is in the sermon area. I heard some gasps, I’m sure some grandma fainted. I didn’t even turn around. I just walked out of the church. I’m supposed to go back to this same church to watch my sister go through communion this week. Currently looking up how to get into witness protection.
Well hell. Some words for the wise:
1. Be carful at beer festivals. The move is always to drink the lightest possible beer they have because people forget how aggressive microbrews can be. Next thing you know, everyone’s hammered even though they had three beers (which happened to all be 6.5 ABV and above).
2. Run from that Tinder match who punched your ex. No good can come of this.
3. You may need to switch churches. Or religions altogether.
I know you kinda did this last week, but I graduated with my MBA today and go back to a part time, no future job tomorrow.
T&P’s for my phone interview on Tuesday are appreciated.
So many people graduating. Ride out the storm. Things’ll happen. You won’t be jobless forever.
Never posted before but there have been plenty of opportunities.
This goes back a few weeks ago I get a call from one of my guy friends that lives 500 miles from me and asked me if I would do him a solid and be the honorary single friend for a couples trip to Daytona (his girl friend just broke up with him). It was a nearly free trip so I pull the trigger and book my ticket. Now I am quickly approaching 30 so the fact that it was well after spring break, I was thankful. Last week I go on this trip and my friend and I gave this couples trip a middle finger and just got absolutely hammered every night. The first full day there I blacked out at 2:00 pm, lost the power of speech at 5:30 pm butttt continued to party until 2:00 am. And that was just one of the days this continued for the full 4 days I was there.
I fly home on Thursday so i can catch up on emails and work ‘stuff’ on Friday so my Sunday scaries weren’t quite as powerful.
Friday I decide it was smart to go out with some work friends, it was not a crazy night but beers were involved.
Saturday was a college friends’ wedding and she married a Cuban, this party was INSANE!
I have never been more hungover than i have been since forever. The brain fog is real.
I leave on Wednesday to visit a friend in Chicago and I don’t know if my liver, my checking account, or my clients are very pleased with these decisions. I am already having post-Chicago Scaries.
Chicago is a town built on Scaries. You either live there because you’re hammered and can’t leave, or it spits you out and makes you not want to return for months on end. Great city.
Two programming notes, both of which I want you to take seriously. The first, take advantage of the sale on Man Outfitters using promo code MEMORIAL20. Second, send your stories to me at email@example.com. Can’t wait to see you guys here next Tuesday after a long weekend of boozing. .