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You’re probably aware of this by now, but last night could be considered in the top-three Scariest nights of the year. And boy, did it live up to it. The travel, the collective Thanksgiving hangover, the “back to reality” mentality. It all adds up to being a real kick in the shorts.
But fear not, The Sunday Scaries Podcast is here to help. Yesterday, I covered being addicted to your phone (don’t feel bad — I’m addicted), guilty pleasure TV shows, and how aromatherapy works. You can listen on both Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or you can press play below and finish the episode by the time you’re done reading this very column.
Now let’s get into this weekend’s worst stories. As always, email me your own stories to email@example.com. I’m listening.
Long time listener, first time writer. While recovering from a hangover, I was wondering why my boyfriend of a few months stopped replying to my texts. The scaries start to set in, so I set up my panic room, equipped with a tall glass of Cabernet. Around 8pm, he sends a long text, breaking up with me, citing him not wanting to be in a relationship and our opposite work schedules as issues.
No no no no no no no. Not how we wanted to start this Monday. Just be thankful you were in your Panic Room and not hammered at a bar or something. Silver linings. Maybe.
TL;DR – Drank for 10 hours that resulted in a brown out, losing my friends at the bar because i was interviewed as a witness in an altercation, and maybe fractured my elbow.
Saturday i start drinking around 3pm, nothing wild i was having pretty good behavior, but then get a text about a birthday party i had completely forgot about. So at 9pm i head to the bars to meet up with the birthday squad. Didn’t really eat dinner, but snacked throughout the afternoon so I wasn’t too concerned.
I’m feeling good, still coherent and not a mess but things begin to escalate because the dj is just bumping straight BANGERS. Start consuming a bit more aggressively. Not a great decishh.
I’m standing in line for the bathroom, and this one dude tries to cut. Guy in front of me turns to me and says, “Is this dude trying to fuckin’ cut the line right now??” And I just sorta drunkenly nod in affirmative, while also giving that look of “ya know, it happens, but i’m not gonna do anything about it.”
Guy calls out the cutter, cutter chirps back at him “Well what are you gonna do about it?” and then homie turns to me and pulls a “hold my beer.” So i’m getting stoked because I know it’s about to go down. The dudes start tussling and i’m entertained. Unfortunately for me, as a witness, i start getting interviewed by the security guys to get an unbiased account. I spent the rest of my night trying to find my friends to no avail.
Hold my beer guy finds me later and thanks me for “having his back bro” and offered to buy me a shot and I oblige. then he hands me a shot of hennessy and who the fuck enjoys that? Nearly pulled trig right then and there at the bar.
As I’m trying to leave, I see what i thought was my uber pulling up so i step into the street to get in. Realize its the exact same car but a different driver. Classic mistake, so I begin to back up towards the sidewalk and am looking at my phone to verify the license plate of my ride so as to avoid this mistake again. As I’m backing up, my heel catches the curb and I am in a free fall. Land on my elbow, evidently, as it’s pretty bruised and sore to the touch. Asked my friend who is applying to orthopedic surgery residency if I should get x rays and he said probably, likely a fracture based on what i told him.
Not sure if I’m more concerned about my arm and a positive x ray, or checking my bank statement after 10 hours of drinking.
Is there anything more exciting than the moment just before a fight erupts? Like, seriously, anything? I know fighting is juvenile and whatever, but you still get that playground excitement going when you realize two idiots are about to throw down. I love it. Just don’t ask me to have your back because I’m not a great fighter.
Nothing sobers you up faster than cleaning up after friends drunker than you. I learned that the hard way last weekend when I went home to my parents house because my alma mater was playing at a college 20 minutes from where I grew up. What I would end up regretting was bringing along 2 friends from school (we’ll call them Pete and Matt) and 1 from home who went to said college 20 minutes away (we’ll call him Aaron). Friday night we got a late start because we all worked full days of work and then traveled to my parents’ house so we had to play a little catch up.
Fast forward to the end of the night and Aaron’s younger sister who was nice enough to DD for us in exchange for drinks at the bar Saturday drops us off at my parents’ place around 2 am. My 3 friends who were passed out the entire way home all immediately have to go to the bathroom when they wake up and realize we’re back. The problem is there are only 2 bathrooms without going through the master bedroom in which my parents are sleeping. And when I found Pete blacked out pissing in my parents’ kitchen refrigerator and asked him what the fuck he was doing he said “well both bathrooms were taken”. Now at 2 am, I’m going through my parents’ fridge cleaning out his piss and deciding how much food I have to throw out. As I’m doing this, Aaron’s sister who came inside to get Aaron who was supposed to sleep at his own parents’ house comes downstairs and says I need to see something. I follow her upstairs to find Aaron who is now laying on the edge of my bed in my childhood bedroom with a bin of my baby pictures on the floor next to him covered in his vomit. There was no way I was cleaning that up at 2 am too so I just take the bin and put it out in the garage, finish cleaning the fridge and pass out.
When I woke up Pete and Aaron the next morning to start getting ready for the game and told them what they did they didn’t believe me….until I showed them the bin in the garage and the food in the trash. I’m just glad that Aaron isn’t a total piece of shit and spent 5 hours and a can and a half of pledge cleaning my baby pictures on Sunday. My parents’ know about the baby pictures but I didn’t tell them about the fridge. I have to imagine they saw the food in the trash Saturday morning but were just too worried what the answer would be if they asked why.
I’m sorry that you had to clean up your friend’s pee out of your parents’ refrigerator, but come on. That’s laugh out loud funny. I’ve heard of garbage cans and closets, but peeing in a refrigerator is a new one for me. His logic was honestly sound, though. If the bathrooms are taken, you have to pee somewhere else. Like, he wasn’t wrong. Shouts to Pete.
Anyways. Had a rough weekend watching the worst sport in the history of mankind known as football. Talking to a coworker of mine. Oddly enough her daughter and I went to the same undergrad. Also find out that this coworkers daughter was tag teamed (there was consent) by me and my roommate our freshman year. Hopefully my name doesn’t get mentioned in this conversation that they will inevitably be having later.
Hi Will. Hope you had a good thanksgiving, saw there were no debilitating ingrown toenails keeping you from running the turkey trot this year.
I was really proud of myself because I hadn’t gotten super drunk all weekend, but then Saturday came and I had to attend my cousin’s engagement party. I didn’t eat dinner because the party was catered, but got too busy talking to family and friends that I only ate a few ham biscuits. Meanwhile, my boyfriend made sure my champagne glass was never empty, and next thing I know, I’m stumbling out of the Uber and pulling trig right in front of the entrance to the apartment. I am currently on the couch so that my boyfriend can get some well deserved sleep while I am nursing the worst hangover of my life. Scaries are on another level this morning as I’m hoping I didn’t make an ass of myself at the party since I have a history of ruining family events due to my drunken antics.
Glad you asked about the Turkey Trot. As it was famously reported, I got out of last year’s Turkey Trot because of an ingrown toenail. Whether you believe that I had one or not, just know that I did. But this year? Nah. I did the entire five miles. Am I willing to disclose what my average pace was per mile? Absolutely not. But just know that your boy crossed the finish line in style.
My nephew said he hates me cause I asked him to stop throwing water on stuff and he has no understanding of empathy and it hurt my feelings. We did a non-traditional Thanksgiving where we ate pork chops in lieu of turkey because that’s what the brass dialed up. I cooked a bunch and the most talked about dish was a thing of boxed yellow rice. Confidence in my cooking and kiddo rearing abilities were shattered. Also I started smoking again and spent four hours sound mixing an advertisement only to get offered payment in the form of a logo. Media sucks. Can’t go back to Lowes either cause I called my boss a c u next Tuesday. Bears won though and same nephew likes golf apparently. That was kinda cool. Idk. Living with your family is a mixed bag.
Thanksgiving pork chops? I don’t… hate it? I don’t know. Even though ham is better than turkey, I’ve never really been on the “ham for Thanksgiving” train. I just feel like turkey is what you eat on Thanksgiving and you can save ham for Christmas. You know, even though Christmas is 100 percent a beef tenderloin holiday.
Just had a very real case of the Sunday (sober) Scaries. I was traveling with my boyfriend over thanksgiving weekend. I ordered groceries to be picked up and decided to give it a try, making it to the store. Seeing as I was traveling for 6 days, I made sure my fridge was cleaned out. Little did I know, there was a blizzard warning in effect for the entire day. I didn’t even make it a half a mile before my cars tires started spinning. I wasn’t the only one, after about ten minutes there were 20+ cars stuck on the road. Luckily after maneuvering my car and with the help of 2 strangers, I got my car unstuck after 45 minutes. I ended up going straight back to my apartment. Now I’ve eaten ramen and raisins for lunch and dinner.
Hoping things get cleared out tomorrow so that I don’t have to be a trash human being and can make real meals.
Ramena and raisins is not how you want to close out Thanksgiving. Thoughts and prayers. My only advice is to get a nice crockpot meal going so you can stay in the house for days on end and never go hungry.
Just want to brag about surviving thanksgiving with both mine and my boyfriend’s families and took the Saturday afternoon flight home so I’ve had my whole Sunday to sleep in and recover.
GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE.
Was doing a good job managing the post-thanksgiving scaries until about 30 minutes ago – 11 pm – when a guy I met on hinge and went on a few dates with (who I ghosted) texted me asking for feedback about why I ghosted him. My heart rate is sky high and I need a klonopin.
Is there a worse look than this? I mean, have some self-respect, dude. This isn’t a job interview that you deserve feedback for. Getting ghosted on a dating app is par for the course. If you can’t stand the heat, see yourself out of the kitchen.
See everyone next week. Same time, same place. Let’s get through this full week of work together [insert solidarity fist emoji]. .