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It’s almost like December is made for relaxing nights where you do absolutely nothing. Decorations strewn about the house, Christmas movies on every damn channel, and decadent comfort foods filling your fridge because everyone knows that your diet starts in January. I fell asleep last night in a pasta-induced slumber before 10 o’clock. No regrets.
Also, I tried something new this week with The Sunday Scaries Podcast. I’ve been wanting to incorporate guests for a while, but I didn’t just want to throw someone in a room and let it rip for no reason. Because I knew she’d be a good conversation (and I knew I could work out some technical glitches), I had Sally on this week. We talked about her worst Sunday Scaries ever, what she’d do if money wasn’t an option, her ideal Sunday outfit, and what the contents of our refrigerator look like. It’s on both Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or you can listen here:
Now let’s get into this weekend’s worst stories. You can send your own to firstname.lastname@example.org — I’d love to hear them.
Subject: I’m Back with Chlamydia
What I failed to mention in my last submission is that my family friendly vacation blackout was fueled by a family member egging me on for being single. I had been seeing a reformed frat man slut at the time who likes to play games. 6 months later, looks like he gave me Chlamydia. We both got “tested” back when we decided to be “exclusive” so I thought I was in the clear.
Just started seeing a guy three and a half weeks ago. I really like him. Thought it prudent to get tested again after we had sex (which I can’t remember thanks to far too much Hennessy). Turns out I have Chlamydia from Mr. “exclusive” and a quasi-friend gave it to him. Live, laugh, love.
This new guy now thinks my friends and I are absolute whores. Pray for me as I blackout on this antibiotic on a weekday.
Your least favorite blacked out post-grad
“Oh, yeah, babe, I totally got tested.” — What this guy probably said despite never getting tested.
Also, Hennessy? Is that what the kids are drinking these days? I’ll admit that I don’t think I have any idea what it actually tastes like. Nor do I really want to know what it tastes like.
Long time, first time.
I woke up at 6AM this morning to a MOUSE climbing up my bed, towards my slumbering body. I immediately shot out of my bed and to the other side of the room, where I saw the mouse fall out of my bed and run underneath my dresser. I had to wake up my roommate and it took two hours of mouse herding before we got it out of our apartment. This was followed by another two hours of washing my sheets and deep cleaning my room. Not a great start to the weekend. Being a Saturday, our landlord probably won’t do anything until Monday. Needless to say, getting any sleep will be a challenge for the foreseeable future.
Oh no. No no no. Just a tiny-ass Stuart Little bringing on some Saturday Scaries with a low-key infestation. Not what you want to kick off your weekend. Shouts to your shitty landlord, though.
Never thought I’d really have a weekend to send in but it happened. I’m writing this from a hotel room in southern Wisconsin still a little drunk and looking at what should be a 5 hour drive home, except it’s fucking snowing so 5 hours will probably be closer 7
I once drove what should have been four hours from Ann Arbor, Michigan in about 7 hours. I couldn’t see the car in front of me — only their brake lights. When they exited, I would accidentally exit. When they should stop, I would slam on the brakes praying that I wouldn’t slam into them. The snow combined with a bad hangover resulted in the worst drive of my entire life. Should’ve just stayed an extra night in a hotel and slept while watching free HBO.
Longtime; first time. So I didn’t go back to my alma mater but I did go to my little cousin’s university to celebrate his 21st birthday because we’re very close. Incidentally his birthday happened to be the exact day of Santa Con. I’m 24 so I thought I could hang, but waking up to all I want for Christmas is you and 18 boys banging on their walls at 7am Saturday morning quickly let me know that no, in fact I cannot.
Pregame was at 9am (following a breakfast of bagels and hot chocolate with more baileys than chocolate) and the bar hopping began around 2pm. I rallied after a nap and losing my dinner and made it back out that night but opted out of the drinking then because even drunk me knew I was past my prime.
The 3 hour drive home was obviously miserable but I made it home by 2pm today (Sunday) with time to recover. I thought I was home free for the most part. It wasn’t until I went to shower and looked into the mirror that I noticed just how poorly I fared.
I’d like to introduce you to the term Petechiae.
If you, like I a mere day ago, don’t know what that is — Google defines is as “Petechaie are caused when tiny blood vessels burst underneath the skin. Kids can develop them after a bout of coughing or vomiting, usually on the face”
So basically I threw up so fucking hard that I popped a couple blood vessels around my eyes and now I look like a reanimated corpse. Fingers crossed I can cover it up with make up so I don’t have to show up tomorrow morning to work looking like a monster.
Never go to anything that ends in “Con.”
Well, I wish you had never introduced me to that term. I know you could’ve never forcasted this, but it seems like another reason to add to the list titled, “X Reasons To Never Go To Santa Con.” I feel like nothing good will ever come of actually attending one of those. Same goes for TBOX in Chicago or whatever it’s called.
Sup Will, LTFT here.
Sunday scaries at an all time high.
Got stood up by my hinge date, and then ran into my ex girlfriend last night at a bar with another dude. First time I’ve seen her since we broke up. Told me I looked good then proceeded to run off with dude.
Currently on my way back to said bar because I realized this morning when I tried to buy Wawa coffee that I left my card and forgot to close my tab.
I start a new job tomorrow after having been off for the past 2 and a half weeks. It was a nice temporary retirement and I am not ready to go back to the grind.
Ts & Ps appreciated.
Wow. You really hit it all — bad date, ex-girlfriend run-in, lost credit card, and heading back to work after an extended break (new job too!). Damn. I don’t have an award I can give you for the worst weekend in this week’s crop, but you’re definitely in the running.
Spent all weekend finalizing my final paper (42 pages) and final presentation (which I present tomorrow afternoon) for my Master’s program. Scaries are in full-effect.
Aaaaaaaaaaand that’s miserable. Sober Scaries like you read about. At least you know your Master’s Degree will yield some cash down the line? Or it won’t. Who even knows these days. My kid will probably be a YouTube star with no formal education who makes $1.5M per year.
Spent a long weekend in Boston, interviewing for grad school and dong some sightseeing. Took the first flight home Sunday (6am), and with the help of a time change (shout-out to CST) and my flight arriving early, was back in my apartment at 9am to recuperate. Glorious
Taking the early flight >>>>>>>>>>>>
Hi Will. FT/LT lets get started. This column always brightens up my Mondays. So my Friday night was pretty low key, watched tv drank some beers. Saturday morning was nothing special, got Chick Fil A breakfast (FTW) and watched some College Gameday to get hyped up for a great day of football. Worked out early that afternoon and put on my favorite college basketballs team’s game. Pulled out the W, thank God. That is when things got weird…
During the game I was bouncing off the walls, I drank coffee earlier in the day, but I thought it would be out of my system by 3-4. Ate some dinner and that is everything slowed down. Felt exhausted and then very nervous. My stomach was not fairing to well at the start of the Ohio State game, and then all of the sudden, I release the devil from inside of me. First time I puked in 5 and a half years, never puked from drinking in college (yes I had to brag) and that continued with the worst shits I have had in a long time which led me to stay up all night puking and shitting my brains and my dignity out. Was looking forward to doing some Chirstmas shopping and having a good workout on Sunday, but spent it in the shower trying to warm up, rehydrating (Pedialyte = the real MVP), and napping to remove a violent pounding headache.
Wish me luck rallying this week, and thankfully the boss understands.
Given that it doesn’t sound like you got hammered or anything this weekend, it sounds like you just… emailed me about your bowel movements? Tight. This is my life now. I run a poop blog.
Bought an engagement ring yesterday, so that’s where my scaries are at right now.
Man, good for you. That’s tight. .