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2019 is off to a great start. I spent all of the 1st hungover from a New Year’s Eve wedding, and I just locked myself out of my apartment for two hours while letting my dog out before my first day back on the grind in a while. Love it.
Yesterday, I released a hangover-centric episode of The Sunday Scaries Podcast. I took every segment about hangovers that I did up until today and mashed them together. Give it a shot on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or listen right here.
Now let’s get into this New Year’s Eve’s worst stories. If you have some worst weekend stories of your own, forward them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I write to you on my 25th birthday, as my hungover ass binges the Lindsay Lohan movie marathon on MTV, procrastinating getting ready to move to a new apartment on Friday. I’m fresh off a bender which started Saturday. I went to the peach bowl with my brother which was super disappointing as a Michigan fan, but we did have club seats which made it tight. After that game, we went to a nearby bar to kill time before going to the hawks cavs game, where we had all you can eat + drink tickets. Needless to say, I got super intoxicated from drinking all day, but I felt shockingly good on Sunday. I knew I needed to rehydrate though to prepare for NYE.
So Monday rolls around, and I go to my friend’s house to get ready, when all of the sudden, her dog swallows my socks whole. This is a problem because her dog has had 2 recent near-death situations where he needed surgery both times to remove things he’s swallowed. We google how to safely induce vomitting in a dog. We need hydrogen peroxide, which she doesn’t have, so I go to CVS in my NYE getup and buy some, along with a pack of socks. I get back, we give her dog the hp, and sure enough 20 minutes later, he throws up 1 of the 2 socks.
My friend is much less stressed now and we get an Uber to the bar. It was one of those all you can eat + drink types of things, which are usually insufferable, and we get there and no one is there. Walking right up to bars and buffet tables no problem, but the vibe is still weird because the place is borderline empty. I end up seeing a coworker who I have (now had) a baby crush on, and all the sudden a girl walks up to us and he goes “oh this is my girlfriend” and I was so thrown by it because he’s never mentioned her before and it just made the vibe weirder so my friend and I got out of that real quick. Things start picking up at the place, and it actually ended up being extremely fun. The DJ gave me a birthday shoutout and played get busy by Sean Paul which is really all I could ever want. We got home, went to bed, and I woke up with severe hip pain. Guess that’s what getting older is all about. On a serious note though, send prayers and good vibes to my friend’s dog and that he passes the remaining sock and avoids a third surgery.
Shouts to the dog. My dog is psycho and just passes things like that, but I’ve heard nothing but horror stories of people having to get things removed at inopportune times. But is there ever an opportune time to swallow a sock? I mean, I guess not.
Shouts to the DJ for playing Sean Paul’s “Get Busy” in 2019, though. That’s an MVP move.
New Years 2017/18
So I bring a girl to the party (as you do for the New Years kiss) and as the night goes on, I start seeing her less, and less.
10..9..8..7…. the countdown is happening and I have zero clue where she is, “HAPPY NEW YEARS” everyone shouts and kisses and drinks like the world is ending.
Meanwhile I’m pushing through bodies of people trying to find who I thought was “My girl” but when I find her. She’s kissing someone else and as I turn away I look at my phone to see a Snapchat story of her making out with ANOTHER different person.
In the non-sober state I was I sat on the nearest objet that was low enough to just flop on to, and proceeded to cry for 1/2 an hour while the party rages on, then I got up. And went home to cry some more.
Damn. I mean, at least you’re not running around with a floozy. Two dudes in one night at this age? Nah, we’re too old for that. Congrats on crine in the club.
LTFT, you know the drill. The girlfriend and I decided to go to a house party with friends for NYE this year and avoid the cost and crowds of the open bar situation. We proceeded to play “stack cup” where my girlfriend struggled and ended up having to drink more than her fair share. This and several tequila shots led to her puking all over me and the Uber on the way home. Got hit with the harsh cleaning fee for the first time, T&Ps appreciates.
This just reminded me that I never checked my Uber receipt from New Year’s Eve. Fingers crossed I didn’t spend $500 like a total dumbass.
Our next story is a two-parter. It’s almost like she knew she was going to have a shitshow NYE so she sent me a pre-email.
It’s your bi bitch writing to you again from the burner gmail. I’m the one that had that wild threesome with her gf and her best friends sister in New Orleans this summer.
Since then, real life scaries have been worst ever. Losing two family members, getting wrongfully arrested, health problems, and a break up the week before my bday (bonus points that she was the only person left in town to watch my cat and so i get to deal with that awkwardness when i get back) and has made 2018 a real good ass time.
My NYE is about to be redeemed by a friend from college who gets to attend a nice fancy event in Philly for free and bring a plus one with free alcohol all night. So I at least have someone to possibly kiss at midnight and am planning on getting so obliterated that I will forget my own name.
Stay tuned for me entering 2019 as a single dumbass guzzling champs and looking ex$pensive like a true Capricorn (yeah I’m the real G.O.A.T.) hiding a broken heart. Hopefully I’ll have a follow up for you.
Happy New Years to you, Sally, and Rosie the best dog there is.
Aaaaaaaaaand here’s what went down.
Hungover at the Philly train station still trying to piece together last night. My friend worked an event at a casino so I got to shoot confetti out of a cannon for nye. Made friends with his hairstylist. Shaded peoples fits with his gay roommate. All in all doing well for 4 champs and one meal in my stomach.
At some point, with the free booze we had I began drinking what my date drank which was whiskey and ginger ale. I deliberately do not allow myself to drink whiskey cuz I am either horny and invincible or a crybaby. Just like my bisexuality turns out I was BOTH.
All I remember is vaguely arriving at his expe$ive apartment and ranting about politics. Next thing I know we are making out. I woke up topless with him cuddled up next to me (zoinks) but my pants still on so no sex. After some consideration I’m pretty sure a dick was involved at some point.
I laid there and internally screamed for 20 min and eventually realized It was 1pm and had left my phone in my dates car. Mother had called my EX IN IOWA and my two besties to try to garner my whereabouts. She is furious. I am 26 and this is the first time she’s ever found me remotely irresponsible so she will live.
I ate a lovely breakfast with said date and his roommate and watched mummers parade and tried not to ask too many questions.
I did drunk text several friends, hit on my friends sister and texted my GRANDFATHER but thankfully not my ex so I’m gonna call it a win. I will be suffering this hangover for days.
Hope your NYE was lit and you didn’t have to endure anyone “showing how their AirPods work” like I just had to at the station. Cheers.
Well this was a wild ride. Finding out your mom was calling around to make sure you’re alive is never a great awakening, but like you said, at least you didn’t text your ex. Starting 2019 off HOT. .