======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
We’ve published a million columns on it. We’ve tweeted about it. We’ve posted Instagrams teasing it.
But I still didn’t listen. Despite all the warning signs and historical evidence, I… I just didn’t listen. I got hammered at our company holiday party. I shut down the bar at 2 a.m. and woke up on Friday feeling like I got hit by a bus. Luckily, it was a work from home day. But unfortunately, I had yet to record this week’s episode of The Sunday Scaries Podcast, which may turn out to be the most authentic one yet considering how physically devastated I was.
Now let’s get into this weekend’s crop of stories. If you have one of your own, email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Finally recovered enough to send this one in…
My boyfriend wanted to see a DJ at a nightclub the Saturday before Halloween. Of course, I tried to be the cool girlfriend and bought us tickets. He showed up with a fifth of Jameson the night of so we could properly pregame and not buy drinks there. We end up drinking the entire fifth in an hour and a half resulting in both of us blacking out before our Uber ride there.
We woke up the next morning with my bedroom window wide open (it had snowed that night), blood all over my apartment, and a pretty decent gash just above my eye. We think I fell on the stairs at the club, causing us to be kicked out and not even seeing the DJ. My boyfriend drunkenly forgot he had my keys in his pocket and ended up crawling in my bedroom window so we could get back in.
We both had credit card charges from the nightclub and I had to wear a band-aid on my face in a corporate setting for three weeks.
She included a photo and, yeah, it’s not ideal. As someone who once went to a Kings of fucking Leon concert in Kentucky and remember all zero of it, I feel your pain. Well, kind of. I didn’t get a gash on my face.
Remember when I shared that story about me and my roommate in college having that romp with my future coworkers daughter? Yeah pretty sure everyone knows now and it’s really awkward. No shame but please everyone send T’s and P’s please.
Oh no. Well, at least they know now and you’re still gainfully employed rather than finding out later and making it seem worse.
Woke up thursday morning to find out I did not pass my professional engineering exam, so those last six months studying were apparently worthless. Threw out my back at work and am currently wearing my brace as I type this. But, I got to go see Daniel Tosh for free in the fifth row, huge shout out to my friend Kyle for getting me that ticket. Friday night was pretty tame since I had my cousins christmas party to go to the next day.
Here’s the thing though, my cousins on that side of the family are fucking nuts. When I say that, I mean grow your own mushrooms and go on trips to bangkok crazy.
So we decide to go to top golf after the party. Halfway through I think its a good idea to go out to the parking lot and smoke a joint with my cousin. I consider myself an avid smoker, and can handle my shit. Boy was I wrong, next thing I know we’re at a casino and I am getting checked out by paramedics. Turns out I fell asleep at a table in the casino food court which is a big no no according to them. Meanwhile, my cousins are all at another table laughing at all this going down.
Get back to my brothers house and pass out at 4 am. Scaries hit me full force. T’s and P’s
I’ll be honest — your cousins kind of sound like pieces of shit. If they’re going to get you fucked up, they at least need to have the common decency of helping you out when you’re falling asleep rather than laughing from afar. Can one of them drop a pin for me? I just wanna talk.
I have some second-hand sober scaries the likes of which I have never experienced.
Every so often a couple buddies and I decide to leave the warmth of our apartments and go rock climbing outdoors. It’s always a good time no matter what the weather because we basically just hang out in the woods, drink, and do one of our mutual hobbies together. Well this weekend was pretty damn cold here in Illinois, but I have climbed in sub freezing temps before so I didn’t think anything of it. Once you start moving the blood starts flowing and you feel fine. Well after the trip on the drive home everyone is feeling nice and warm except my best friend who is complaining about his feet being cold still. We roast him for being a little bitch and keep driving. The next day he texts me that most of the toes on his left foot are still numb. I’m sure you can tell where this is going, but he goes to the doctor to find out he has fucking FROSTBITE. He’s not going to lose any toes or anything, but his nerves are fried in 2 toes and will take like a month or more to recover feeling. Ts and Ps appreciated.
P.S. The night before frostbite happened, this same guy got destroyed in pool (3 consecutive games) by an old homeless looking dude who only had one hand. The one-handed guy was cool as shit and was absolutely hustling the tables, but please pour one out for this guy’s weekend.
Minus the frostbite and the pool hustling, this is overally pretty tight. I’ve never had frostbite but I’ve definitely looked at myself and been like, “Alright, yeah, get inside because you’re about to get frostbite.” Shouts to the homie. Glad he kept his toes.
Like you always say sober scaries are the worst. Thursday I was sitting on the couch watching some GBBS with the wife when she noticed the dog chewing on his tail extensively. She thought to herself well that’s weird I wonder what’s wrong and decided to take a look…THE TIP OF HIS TAIL IS NAKED AND BLEEDING!
After some research turns out this is something fairly common called Happy Tail. We decide we will take him to the vet and shocker Google was right. Now our pup has to where the cone of shame for two weeks, poor thing.
I wish that was the end of it but no… Friday night we go to a concert and return home to two very happy dogs at 1am. The problem with happy tail is that the tail is an open wound and upon us arriving his tail hits a wall and in its crazy swinging of happiness starts flinging blood EVERYWHERE. We get him calm and take him outside while I Clorox wipe our newly painted walls (thanks father-in-law from July).
To make matters worse we left Saturday for a week long work/vacation trip to Poland and Germany and the dogs are stuck at grandpaw’s house. Hoping for a not quite as happy tail upon return to the states…?
Okay, I think we can all agree that there needs to be a different name for this other than “happy tail.” That’s like calling the flu “fun stomach” or headaches “wild brain.”
I never thought I would have a story worth submitting – until now.
Thursday night was my company holiday party (employees only). It was my first holiday party, as my last job never did this sort of thing, and this was the first year at my new job. The party was right after work and within walking distance of the office, so my coworker friend (also new) and I decided to pregame with triple IPAs across the street from the venue (mistake #1). We ran into a couple higher-ups there, so we thought we were pulling a veteran move, when we really we were just exacerbating our demise.
We roll up to the party fashionably late. It’s the swankiest rooftop bar in town – a real VIP nightclub feel about it. It’s an open bar, so naturally I go straight for the cocktails. There was an appetizer station in the corner, but I had a big lunch, and I’m too busy pounding bourbon sours to remember to eat (mistake #2). The night gets blurry fairly quick, but I knew it was over for me when I stumbled upon their seasonal specialty cocktail, the Winter Storm Warning (mistake #3). I couldn’t tell you what was in it, but all I can say was that is was blue, which caused me to fade to black.
Before I completely blacked out, I remember thinking I had to get out of there ASAP before I did something really stupid in front of my new coworkers. I quickly called an uber, only to have to sprint-stumble back up to the rooftop bar because I had forgotten my trench coat and nearly missed my uber and tank my rating. The rest of my evening was relayed to me the next morning by my wife, which included the following:
1. Walking our 7 month old golden retriever puppy in the pouring rain then allowing him to immediately jump on our bed.
2. Telling her I had ordered a new dick from Shanghai (idk don’t ask).
3. Nearly breaking her phone in anger while she was trying to take a video of my drunkeness.
I then proceeded to wake up in the middle of night hungover as shit and vomitted for the first time in years (made it to the toilet), and woke up our light-sleeping puppy in the process. It took over an hour to get him to calm down and go back to sleep. I then had to uber to work since I left my car there the night before and had to endure the chattiest uber driver ever.
The Friday felt like the slowest on record. I’m pretty sure my pregaming coworker called out sick, but somehow I made it til 5pm. As I was getting ready to leave work, I thought I could at least be comforted by the fact that no one seemed to notice how drunk I was at the party. That is, until a VP walked by desk and asked in a very telling voice, “Did you have fun last night?”
Welp. I now know what it’s like to have Sunday Scaries before the weekend even starts. Hopefully I still have a job Monday.
Triple IPAs + Not Eating + Exotic Sugary Cocktails = Yeah, obviously you blacked out. I love the move by your VP, though. You knew it was coming.
I’m writing this at 7:30am from my college roommates little brothers bed….. She has an annual ugly christmas sweater party which was last night. Started off with IPAs, then at some point, switched to red wine and jello shots. Needless to say, I got way too drunk. Threw up all over myself and had to have her mom help me shower. Woke up this morning in her brothers bed with half my hair smelling like shampoo and the other half smelling like vomit. I don’t even want to know what happened after 9:30 because that’s when my memory left the building. Also have to make a 2 hour drive back home in a few hours. I need to stop drinking.
At least you didn’t start with triple IPAs? I dunno. Just the thought of your hair smelling like puke is making me a little queezy at my desk. We need to move on.
Dude. I did it again.
So I recently moved to a new city for work, where I know no one. So my coworkers are basically my only friends right now and one was hosting a Christmas party. I am the youngest by 5+ years and I’m a 28 year old shithead.
To start things out I accidentally texted the party group text saying no one at work drinks, ima get fucked up before going to the party, etc and felt like a super ass. To say this will be the least of my problem would be an understatement. This already made me super anxious and worried for just going to the party and being embarrassed.
So I showed up to the party after several beers to give me a decent buzz and less worried. I brought some beer and bourbon and I drank mostly the bourbon straight. At some point I did blow for the first time. Then I blacked out and now I’m ultra nervous about about how fucked up I was and what happened to me last night, wtf did I do?! I took a xan and I’m hoping I just passed out and wasn’t tryna get with anyone or saying super asshole things. This is the most all over description of my probably horrible day, but I think the Xanax is starting to kick in and typing this out is helping a bit. Goddamn I need to take a break from drinking.
Why would you ever get fucked up BEFORE the party if you know that hardly anyone drinks? And why would you do blow in that same situation? WHY? WHY? TELL ME WHY.
Also, I can’t *really* tell, but I think you took the Xanax after the party. Like, the next day. This is a PSA and part of the reason I’m including this story in the first place — never EVER take Xanax if you’re drunk and/or planning on drinking. It’s dangerous as hell. Seriously, don’t do it.
Currently laying on my couch trying not to vomit. Had a 60th birthday party last night and had a blast. Uber back to my boyfriend & mine’s apartment alone (boyfriend is in neighboring state at his parents’ house to watch younger siblings). When we left he had locked our top lock which we rarely do and I didn’t have my top lock key. I’m also hammered. My phone is about to die so I can’t call an uber. My saint of a boyfriend gets a friend to watch his siblings for an hour, drives from Jersey to PA in record time to let me in the apartment. Meanwhile I literally fell asleep curled in a ball out front of the apartment door in the lobby (it’s a huge complex with various buildings, no maintenance or workers around). He woke me up, got me in the apartment, tucked me in and drove back to Jersey. For as bad as I feel, I deserve worse. He hasn’t even made me feel bad about it today. I don’t deserve him.
Completely forgot potentially the most idiotic part of this whole thing. I had my car key on my key ring. I could have gone to my car to charge my phone then call an uber. My boyfriend realized this about 10 minutes into his drive but continued to save my ass. Do. Not. Deserve
I mean, wow. That’s a boyfriend. Driving between states just to help you is a power move. I hope you get him a phenomenal Christmas gift because this dude is a hero.
After all these, let’s end with a nice chaser.
Didn’t drink all weekend, dogsat for my buddy on Friday night/all day Saturday so my pup is all tuckered out and got a lot of chores done. 12/10 would do it again for no scaries.
Oh and I almost forgot, tried my hand at chili for the first time ever Sunday night and it was a rousing success.
I dogsat for about a month about four years ago and I can say — without a doubt — that it was the best month of my damn life. Glad someone else enjoyed it as much as I did. .