======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
*sits down at keyboard*
Gather ’round. How’s everyone been doing? Enjoying the holidays? Good, I love to hear that. Through all the Instagram stories of Christmas trees and ugly sweater parties, we’re on the precipice of what you can only describe as “Engagement Season.” A time when happy couples return home and spend time with their families, only for one of them to get down on one knee in their childhood living room to ask their counterpart for their hand in marriage. It’s beautiful, really. You know, if you enjoy being yet another person who proposed over Christmas.
But what we’re furthest from is something everyone enjoys just a little bit more — Wedding Season. The pomp and circumstance, the open bars, the dry cleaning bills for ruined tuxedos. Ahh, I can smell the mid-tier bourbon now. And let me tell you, it smells delightful.
Over the weekend, we got our first taste of it. A reminder that no matter what time of year it is, there’s a couple out there who won’t sleep until they know you’ve spent thousands upon thousands of dollars in an effort to make their special day that much more special. This one truly has it all. A destination wedding. A dress code. A bride that makes you want to gauge your eyes out.
The bride started — brace yourselves — a Facebook group to keep her guest list in tune of the happenings leading up to her Hawaiian wedding next year. Due to the absurdity of her most recent post, one of the future attendees decided to screenshot said group and upload it to Reddit. Here, see for yourself.
Screw it. Let’s just break it down piece by piece.
In anticipation of the wedding, and believe me, I know it’s a longgg way away, but… [three (3) engagement ring emojis]
I would still like to announce the dress code!
While I love dressing to the nines, I hate dress codes. Those ugly sweater parties I just mentioned, Halloween, pretty much any event where I show up and run the risk of being asked, “You’re wearing… that?” Don’t tell me how to dress. I’m too old to be going to Nordstrom or Target in a search to find something that makes your vision complete. I’d rather sit at home in a pair of joggers and an oversized sweatshirt watching a movie than go to a party where rules are put upon me before I even get my first drink from the open bar.
I am giving you a long notice of a year and a half so that you will have time to find and pick out something nice. The dress code is very specific because it will be used to create an incredible visual effect. If done right, it will make our synchronized dancing along the [redacted] beach really pop.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Having a dress code is one thing, but being a part of a synchronized dance is just pure unbridled torture. One of my biggest fears in life is that I’m going to get caught in a flash mob at the mall. I don’t even go to malls anymore because I’m afraid I’m going to get surrounded by a bunch of acapella theater nerds who break into an impromptu Hamilton performance outside of Ann Taylor.
I’ll give you a pass if you make the bridesmaids learn a Beyonce dance or something, but you best believe that the only moves I have pre-planned before any wedding involve me on my back while the band plays “Shout!”
SO, without further adoo..
WOMEN (100-160 LBS)
—GREEN Velvet Sweater
—ORANGE Suede Pants
—Loubotin heels (the famous RED heeled shoes. when we spin and lift our feet, the effect will amaze you)
Gag. me. with. a. spoon.
You can have an aesthetic. That’s fine and dandy. I can stand for that. What I can’t stand for is your aesthetic being trash. And yes, that’s what this aesthetic is. If you’re going to make your friends and family spend $700 on heels, at least spell “Louboutin” correctly. I’m legitimately embarrassed for you that you spelled it incorrectly considering the effort you’re putting into this shitfest.
Furthermore, nobody wears Burberry anymore. The only people who wear Burberry scarves are middle-aged dudes who still drink Heineken and women who carry their Yorkshire Terriers around in their handbags. Burberry was cancelled in 2005 once everyone realized that their signature print is a bottom tier print no matter how classic it may be considered.
MEN (100-200 LBS)
—PURPLE Fuzzy Jacket
—All White Trainers
—Plain Glow Sticks
Are you… are you fucking kidding me? This sounds like an outfit Beetle Juice would wear if he was dressing up for a Pimps N Hoes party after getting initiated at Theta Chi. Not only do I not own a purple fuzzy jacket, but I will never own a purple fuzzy jacket. A soda hat? Call me classless, but I’ve never even heard of one of these. My research tells me that it’s somewhere between a fedora and a top hat, but I honestly can’t tell. The top result on Google when you search “Soda Hat” is one of those construction helmets that lets you drink double barrel Miller Lites out of it.
And glow sticks? Oh, honey, no. No no no. We aren’t doing glow sticks at your wedding. That is, unless your desired effect is intended to be a beach rave where everyone keeps one hand over their drink for fear of getting roofied.
WOMEN (160 LBS +)
—all BLACK sweater and pants. Any material.
We get it, lady. Black is slimming. She’s essentially calling all of her friends who don’t fit the 120-pound mold that they’re fat. Real nice. Class act. Yeah, it was 2018 when she wrote this, but the wedding is late 2019. You can’t say (or even allude to) shit like this these days. If anything, having a few extra is lauded these days. That’s why I’m relentlessly packing on the pounds. Self love. Queen shit. I stan.
MEN (200 LBS+)
Camouflage, the color black but for husky dudes. As someone who is getting closer and close to two-bills territory, there’s no way I’m wearing camo in Hawaii. If I’m not wearing a linen suit for the wedding, you can find me looking like I just looted a goddamn Tommy Bahama store before posting up at a Rainforest Café. Camo is for hunting and defending freedom — not sipping Miami Vices on the Pacific.
—RED from head to toe. Remember the kids will form the shape of a heart, it needs to be true red not blood orange or some bullshit.
Honestly, I’m surprised she’s even letting kids attend this thing. Too much of a wildcard when there’s choreography involved. She probably has a sniper team ready behind some sand dunes in case one goes rogue and starts crying for their mom. Also, major props to her for refraining from swearing during this entire mess until the kids portion. You can’t teach class.
Additionally, we will require that you wear formal attire after the dancing has ended. Please bring a change of clothing. Remember, the venue is extremely upscale, and we want to be looking our absolute BEST ladies and gents [engagement ring emojis] please, if you look like trash, so will we. All jokes aside, we weant you to invest in an outfit valued at at least $1,000. This includes jewelry, accessories, makeup, and hair. Remember ladies and gents, this wedding is 24k themed for a reason.
You have a year and a half to get working. No excuses! Mwah [lips emoji]
First and foremost, “upscale” and “24k themed” aren’t synonymous with one another. One is a dining experience, the other is a Bruno Mars song. If you don’t know the difference, you can’t be telling your friends to dress black tie. That’s not how it works.
Secondly, you can’t go “pimp casual” straight into “formal,” nor can you transition suede pants directly into an evening gown. Either have the white trash bash your heart desires, or class it up like you’re an extended part of The Royal Family. There is no in-between.
That being said, if anyone actually goes to this, I’ll pay top-dollar for you to break it all down for me. Well, I’ll at least pay you enough to cover one (1) Louboutin heel. .