======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
It’s been too long. Far too long. So long that I’ve even stopped checking the New York Times marriage announcements because they just haven’t been as insufferable as they used to me. While I could take credit for it based on the fact that they @’d me without actually @’ing me in a print column a few months ago, I’m not going to take credit for it. I’m just going to hope that couples have become more self-aware.
Fortunately, sometimes things just come to you rather than you having to go to them. Case in point, this couple that met over sharing a mutual love for Vitamin Waters. Yeah, those bootleg Gatorades that actually aren’t healthy for you despite what investor 50 Cent tells you.
Here’s the tweet that started the wormhole.
leanne may not have gotten a traditional diamond ring, but she got something even better: a bottle of vitaminwater. check out their whole story on https://t.co/zQHcvkyS51.
— vitaminwater® (@vitaminwater) October 3, 2018
I’ll say this — literally no one ever has been happier about getting a Vitamin Water than an engagement ring. If I showed up on a vacation where I was going to propose and I was strapped with an electrolyte drink rather than a ring, I’d be going home early on a flight I had to pay out of pocket for. I’d also be downloading Bumble the second I landed back home only to strike out for the next three weeks while wondering, “Why the FUCK did I think I could propose with a Vitamin water?”
Here’s their entire story, as told by their wedding page on The Knot which is most definitely co-sponsored by Vitamin Water. While I almost respect these two being complete shills for shitty water, I can’t in good faith condone this no matter how much I’d like for my engagement and wedding to be #sponned.
Derrick and I met at a medical sales mixer about five years ago. We noticed we were both drinking vitaminwater essential, and then spent hours laughing and talking our “essentials” (his: kayaks, bicycles, blue button-downs. mine: nature walks, bicycles, jewelry). That night, Derrick kissed me for the first time in front of the vending machine at the mixer. And the rest, as we say, is history!
What a shitty icebreaker. I know I’m not the smoothest when it comes to first lines, but “Wow, is that a Vitamin Water Essential?!” is bottom of the barrel. I once saw a buddy of mine drop, “Do you like Katy Perry?” while “Teenage Dream” played in the background, and even thought wasn’t as abysmal as this abomination. I don’t care how much they got paid to fabricate this story, but it wasn’t enough to justify putting this in writing for all the internet to see.
Furthermore, their “essentials” are just lame. Well, mainly D-Rock’s. Kayaks? Okay, dude, we get it — you’re outdoorsy. Kayaking is essentially the laziest outdoor activity you can do. It’s like saying you’re into walking. Everyone can do it no matter their skill level, but just saying you like it is better than sounding boring. And honestly, same with bicycles. I learned how to ride a bike when I was four, dude. Be better.
And finally, blue button downs? Come on. There’s no more generic white dude statement than saying you have a closet filled with blue button downs. I could’ve looked at you and been like, “Yeah, that guy definitely doesn’t have anything in his closet except blue button downs, two pairs of jeans, three pairs of khakis, and a bunch of Vineyard Vines ties with paddles on them.”
Derrick really wanted to do something special for the proposal. So, to pay homage to our first meeting, Derrick called up our friend Amy at vitaminwater (we love you, Amy!), and asked if he could write the one and only wedding proposal on a vitaminwater bottle. Amy pulled some strings, and Derrick’s beautiful proposal was actually printed!
And then label said, “Leanne, it’s me, Derrick. It wasn’t cheap getting a message onto a vitaminwater bottle, but I just wanted to prove how essential you are to me.” Dammit, Derrick, have some self respect.
It continued, “(It was either this or a diamond ring.)” Derrick, my dude, you don’t admit that. While I’m no Gordon Gekko, I do know that there’s probably a pretty substantial difference between a $1.79 bottle of water from the gas station and a $5,000 ring from Tiffany.
She probably read the label, looked up, and thought, “Haha, okay, but where’s the fucking ring, Derrick?”
She even called him out in the sponsored post.
You can imagine my shock when I went to pick up my daily vitaminwater at the store. I gasped and began shedding tears of mostly joy, and some sad, because apparently Derrick forgot that one of my essentials is jewelry. But that’s neither here nor there, haha!
In the end, as you can tell from this wedding website, I said “yes” to Derrick’s proposal, just as Derrick apparently said “no” to a diamond ring.
Uh, Leanne, here’s the thing — it kind is here or there. “Here” is something you’re going to recycle in thirty minutes. “There” is the rock that you want to put on Instagram for all your friends to see. Can’t even imagine how hard he got skewered in your group text for this move.
They then went on to list some of their registry items which included (but were not limited to): his and her reflective vests (what?), an orange juicer, a tandem bicycle (attempting to ride this will ruin your marriage), a framed photo of oranges (???), a lifetime supply of Vitamin Water (diabetes), and ten (10) oranges. Really shooting for the moon with that one, but what can you expect out of someone who opted for a bottled water rather than an engagement ring?
Have fun when this comes up in an argument in a year’s time, Derrick. We’re all praying for you. .
[via The Knot]