Hypothetical Bumble Profiles From Your Favorite PGP Writers

On this week’s ep of the world-famous moderately famous kind-of-popular podcast, Don’t Take It From Us, JR and I were joined by everyone’s favorite Crime Dog/lawyer/Director of PGP, David Ruff. On the ep, Dave was kind enough to help us with Bumblebraggin’, our regular segment where listeners send in their Bumble profiles for some totally unqualified advice. However, we realized exactly just how unqualified our judgment of their profiles was when we discovered that none of the three of us actually have our own Bumble profile. So, we, along with some of our fellow PGP writers, decided to remedy that situation with some hypothetical profiles, since we are obviously way too cool/semi-famous to actually be on dating apps.

The Guy Who’s Been In A Relationship Since Before Dating Apps


And yet he still hasn’t put a ring on it. What a catch.

The Girl Who’s A Podcast Host that Needs to Remain Anonymous So She Doesn’t Lose Her Job

Her job frowns upon her writing dick jokes and discussing masturbation on the side.

The Guy Who Married Young And Who Doesn’t Understand Bumble


Just seeing what’s out there. Just checkin’ it out.

The Girl Who Once Went Semi-Viral With Her Tinder Description And Now Refuses To Ever Change It


Once you go (sort of) viral, you never go back.

The Guy Who Has Been Described As A Project By Multiple Women


He’s kind of like that room you keep saying you want to paint, but never actually do.

The Girl Who Might Sleep With You But Probably Won’t Date You


She definitely won’t date you if her dogs aren’t into you.

The Guy Who’s Clearly Cheating On His Girlfriend


Ignore the fact that he’s clearly cropped his girlfriend out of his pics.

The Girl Whose Only Here for The Self-Confidence Boost


She’s not going to message you back, but thanks for the match.

The Guy Who’s Just Clearly Had It


Looks good on paper.

The Guy Who Has A Dog


He’s a blogger.

The Guy Who’s A Single Dad With No Free Time

I think we all know that I would totes swipe right here.

If you’re a listener, you know that we give each of the Bumble profiles submitted a letter grade – and now it’s your turn. How did we do? Give us a letter grade in the comments. And given there’s not a brunch, wine, or bean picture in sight, we better score well.

Email this to a friend

Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

31 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More