Amid widespread criticism of being a zero revenue app turning down billions of dollars from Facebook and Google, Snapchat insiders revealed to Business Insider that they are currently working on two possible revenue models. The first revenue model encompasses your typical social media ad revenue model, where ads will pop up on Snapchat every 20-30 snaps. The second revenue model will be similar to Facebook’s “gifts,” where you pay a small amount of money to send special emojis or images or something stupid like that to your Snapchat friends. With this in mind, we return to another day in the Snapchat office.
CEO: Tammy, any calls for me today?
Tammy: Just calls from all the venture capital firms. The CEO of Venturing Ventures called and he said, and I quote, “You put your goddamn dumbass CEO on the phone right now and if he does not explain to me why he turned down offers of $3 billion and $4 billion I will shove his (turns page) fucking checkbook up his ass and mass snap the picture to the CEOs off all my other investments.”
CEO: I guess I don’t have to call him back today. If he calls again, don’t tell him Facebook told me to shove my $15 billion counter offer up my ass. Just tell him we are working on a couple of revenue models in order to get higher bids.
Tammy: He said he wants to come in today to meet.
CEO: If he shows up, tell him I’m not here.
CEO: Heyyyyyy Ralphie what’s going on brutha?
Ralph: The last time you called me Ralphie I was working until 1am. The last time you called me brutha you knocked me out with a whiskey bottle.
CEO: Yeah, about that…I need you to run the numbers with revenue estimates for our two potential revenue models. It’s all in the memo I snapped you. Tell me how much we would need to earn to sell the company for $15 billion or go public with a bigger market cap than Facebook. The company valuation I want is non-negotiable.
Ralphie: I can do it, sir, but I’ll have to stay overnight. And I don’t know if the numbers can even add up to that.
CEO: *Hits Ralph in the back of the head with a triple hole punch and snaps a picture of Ralph’s unconscious body to Ralph with a frown emoji*
CEO: Jim, I have a special assignment for you.
Jim: Sir, I got in a lot of trouble last time you asked me to snap you random street cleavage.
CEO: No, no, no, it’s nothing like that. I need you to start calling up companies. You know, ad whores. Trojan Condoms, Red Bull, the Dos Equis guy, whoever the fuck owns Budweiser now, etc. Quote them ad rates. Keep the price high. Cable TV-high, not Silicon Valley high.
Jim: I can try, sir. I’m not sure they’ll go for it.
CEO: Those motherfuckers will sell their grandmothers for ad exposure and I’m not getting fucking 10 cents per ad like some fucking poor person. What the fuck are we? A fucking charity?
Jim: Sir, I know it’s only 10 to 25 cents each, but the ads will show hundreds of millions of times.
CEO: Jim, shut the fuck up. Do what I fucking say or I will make you scrub the bathroom with your own toothbrush.
CEO: Hey Bobbyyyyy! Bob the knob! Bob the slob who does the job! What’s going on?
Bob: Not much sir, just keeping track of the snap count as you asked. We’re halfway through the day and we’re looking at about 250 million snaps today alone.
CEO: BOB! Do you want to have to eat another fucking pencil? Why aren’t we closing in on billions of snaps?
Bob: Sir, I’m the tech guy. I just fix bugs and monitor traffic. Please don’t make me eat another pencil. Last time I passed the eraser. I could SEE it, sir.
CEO: (Puzzled) Why didn’t you snap that to me? Get back to work you inconsiderate dick.
CEO: Fran! The chick who doesn’t have a man! El oh el just kidding. Have you put together a marketing plan I will not yell at you for?
Fran: I’ve hooked up with 3 TechCrunch editors to get more exposure on their site. I’m pretty sure I have a UTI now.
CEO: I appreciate your dedication, but that’s just not enough. Keep trying. I can’t bring myself to yell at you for your mediocre performance.
Fran: Will the company health insurance plan at least pay for my hospital visits?
CEO: Hell no.
CEO: Steve!!! I’ve got everyone working on the revenue model. How is the “gift” purchasing model coming?
Steve: Well sir, I’m not entirely sure how any of these “gift” ideas you’ve insisted on will sell.
CEO: Are you criticizing my ideas, Steve?
Steve: N-no, sir. I’m just saying I’m not sure how big a market there is for, for example, a typical customer snapping a picture of your face with a handlebar mustache or a picture of you dressed as Neptune riding a killer whale waving a trident to another user for $100 each.
CEO: Are you calling me ugly?
Steve: No sir.
CEO: Do you think many women would find me attractive?
Steve: Um…yes, sir?
CEO: That’s fucking creepy, Steve. Just do what I say or you’re back to working for Zynga.