27 Thoughts I Have When I Go To The Gym For The First Time In Months

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You guys know the feeling I’m talking about. You’ve finally decided that you’re not quite ready to let your destructive lifestyle completely take over, so you’re finally hitting the gym for the first time in months (read: years). So you walk in, and the smell immediately reminds you of the special kind of hell this place is, but you’re already there, so you might as well get a workout in. Luckily, your brain still has plenty of time to beat you up about everything.

  1. “That guy probably thinks I’m joking.”
  2. “I don’t know what half of these machines even do.”
  3. “Now that I’ve seen all of these good looking people actually working out, it’s gonna be a lot harder to tell myself they only look good because of genetics.”
  4. “Whatever happened to those ‘80s aerobics classes that were super easy?”
  5. “Get off the treadmill. You didn’t sign up for 40 bucks a month to run in place.”
  6. “This was a lot easier when I had a high school strength coach yelling at me the whole time.”
  7. “Does the walk from here to the water fountain count as cardio?”
  8. “This place is proof that there is no god, and if there is, then he really hates us.”
  9. “Two extra sets is worth one slice of pizza. I should’ve just not fucking eaten that pizza.”
  10. “Smoking decreases your lung capacity, and anaerobic cardio is more effective. So…should I go take a cigarette break?”
  11. “Whatever you do, don’t fuck up in front of that lady trainer. The last thing you need right now is to have your form corrected by a girl.”
  12. “Who even came up with this idea?”
  13. “Is getting laid even worth this kind of effort?”
  14. “I really hope this guy asks if I’m using this machine so I have a reason to not do this last set.”
  15. “Given what my shirt looks like, there’s not a chance there’s any liquid left in my body.”
  16. “If I upgrade this cramp to a sprain, that’s a good enough reason to go home.”
  17. “If I just cut my monthly food budget by the amount that I’m under contract to pay this place, I’ll never have to come again, and I’ll still lose weight!”
  18. “She saw me working out, so that probably takes my chances from slim to none.”
  19. “That smoothie will literally take away any benefit I just got from that workout, but it will taste so good.”
  20. “The first guy to put a bunch of exercise equipment in one room under the assumption people would pay to come there had to have been an insane person.”
  21. “She’s lifting more than me. Time to go.”
  22. “I feel like 40% of the guys in this place have never heard of leg day.”
  23. “Cheeseburgers are a decent substitute for protein powder, right?”
  24. “I wonder if I could just buy some of that guy’s muscles. He seems like he has some to spare.”
  25. “The guy I thought was a douchebag just said something very nice and encouraging to me, and now I feel like a shitty person on the inside too.”
  26. On the way home: “Okay, that wasn’t so bad.”
  27. The next morning: “Go fuck yourself.”

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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