All The Reasons I Did Not Get Laid This Month

All The Reasons I Did Not Get Laid This Month

I have clearly been slacking on putting out #content lately, and it’s mostly been because I’ve been too busy with work and travel. However, it’s also partially because I just haven’t had any Brad encounters worthy of telling. I started thinking about this, wondering why despite seeing a substantial increase in flirtations over the past few months, my close encounters rate has been almost nonexistent. Join me on my journey of personal reflection as I try to pinpoint all the reasons I did not get laid this month.

I Was Too Busy

I’ve been working long hours at an incredibly stressful and demanding job, so when I get off work the last thing I want to do is go right back out to entertain a Brad at a crowded bar with my bubbly first date song and dance routine. I’ve been actively avoiding swiping, chatting, and overpriced cocktails in favor of my dogs, mindless TV, and my new kitchen appliances (DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT I GOT A SOUS VIDE?

In addition to generally just being “busy” in the most noncommittal sort of way, I was out of town two of the last four weekends visiting my family and at a girls’ weekend respectively. Although I did manage to show my nipples several times on girls’ weekend, Brads were unfortunately in short supply in the remote mountain lake house we were at.

I Was Too Drunk

I like to do a lot of swiping when I’m drunk, and I’m extremely friendly (which is often mistaken for flirting), so you’d think I would have been doubly successful in the amorous pursuits this weekend while intermittently drinking with a gaggle of your fellow PGP Commenters. False. I had a very relaxing weekend planned until I got a last minute text invite for bottomless brunch.

I broke one of Will’s Ten Commandments of Day Drinking and did not plan to go home before continuing the night. Rookie mistake. Instead, I found myself being kicked out of the line for the Game of Thrones Popup Bar because apparently bringing a bag of tallboys to drink in line is “frowned upon” and considered “drinking in public” and “grounds for removal.” Whatever. Details. I was clearly in no state to be entertaining any Brads, so I took myself home (apparently after completing a blackout grocery trip to Trader Joe’s?), showered, and promptly passed out. Alone.

I Was Too Tired

I’ve been going to bed pretty early these days to make it to work on time, and as a result I get tired sooner. I haven’t been going on dates because the thought of staying out beyond 9:00 on a weeknight sounds exhausting to me and will fuck with my sleep schedule. So my genius solution to that problem has been: I just don’t go out. Simple!

I Was Too Tired AND Too Drunk

I woke up from my aforementioned day drinking nap to discover my dogs pawing at me to feed them and that I had tickets to a show that started in 30 minutes. By some miracle, I somehow not only made it to the show, but then met back up with the PGP comment gaggle around 1 a.m. at a bar that serves straight liquor in ketchup bottles that I am definitely too old for.

I decided I was sober enough to drink straight gin for the rest of the evening without consequences (I wasn’t) and that I would definitely find a Brad I liked out at the bars (I didn’t). When the bars shut down, I wasn’t tired at all! I was beating the sleep monster! I wanted the party to keep going, so I invited everyone back to my apartment to continue drinking. Only one of the guys took me up on my offer…

As we Ubered back, I was trying to figure out if he really just wanted to hang out (because I am OBVIOUSLY super fun) or if he was going for a hookup (because my boobs are OBVIOUSLY super fun). I was kind of feeling more of a friends vibe, but as we arrived at my house I still wasn’t really sure. We walked in and he beelined for the dogs as I made us drinks. I sat down on the couch at a neutral distance, turned on GoT, and… promptly woke up two hours later, sitting up, fully clothed, dogs snoring between us, and HBO asking if I wanted to continue watching.

I poked him to make sure he was asleep and then drunkenly stumbled back to my room with the dogs in tow. I guess if I had been motivated I could have tried to wake him up etc., but all I wanted to do was take off my makeup, put on my baggy PJs, and sleep for days. When I woke up at 2 p.m., my apartment was blissfully empty and I felt like I had been run over by a train. Instead of spending the rest of the day in pursuit of brunch and Brads, I died on my couch until the GoT premiere, cursing the weakness of my deteriorating 27-year-old body.

Lessons Learned

I would like to say that I’ve learned from my mistakes and that I promise to do better next weekend… but I don’t.

Strategies For Improvement

Well, so far I have swiped 0 times, gone on 0 dates, had more than 0 bottles of wine, and given 0 fucks, so I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m not doing a damn thing.

In the meantime, you can find me in my kitchen, experimenting with my sous vide.

Image via Shutterstock

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Quinn Truflais

Formerly known as Queen of The Garbage People. Functional title still stands. Dog owner, whiskey drinker, Star Wars fangirl. #DoingItForTheContent

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