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Pooping. Doing your business at your place of business is no funny business. I’m not a huge fan of doing a deuce outside of my home-base, but sometimes you have tacos for lunch. You will have to poop at your office. It’s inevitable. The only way to make this completely foreign and shitty experience a little more pleasurable is to minimize the awkwardness. “But, J.W.,” you whimper in sphincter-clenched agony, “no one has ever told me how to comfortably poop at work.” Right you are, you poor, prairie-dogging soul. I’m here to change that.
Having a successful workplace poop really boils down to location. I normally don’t like using the words poop and boil in the same sentence, but in this case it works. Variety is the spice of life. If you have some options to choose from when you want to grease up the porcelain throne, consider them wisely. Timing is also important, but first and foremost, we should go over the different types of bathrooms you will see in the workplace.
First there is the “common” bathroom. The common bathroom is where people go to blow their noses and pee. It’s almost exclusively a poop-free zone. There is a lot of foot traffic going on in these, and for some reason a lot of conversation. I don’t know why, but there are people who like to get chummy in the bathroom. There is only one brown liquid I like to have a little chit-chat over, and that’s coffee. Save the small talk for the kitchen, sport.
Most companies have another alternate bathroom that is way more ideal for pinching a loaf. They’re usually on another floor of your building, or at least in a less populated division. They have one or two stalls, and a single urinal. These bathrooms are clutch. Peace of mind is what we’re going for, and complete isolation from your coworkers is key. Mo’ people, mo’ problems. It’s also pretty hilarious leaving behind wretched poop-fumes for other departments to enjoy. I’m looking at you, accounting. Have another “accounting error” next pay period. I fucking dare you. Nerds.
Then there is the “secret” bathroom. There is always a secret bathroom; you just have to find it. It will be tucked away in a place out of the ordinary, but if you are the type of person who’s idea of a perfect bathroom is a 3×3 sound-proof isolation chamber, it will be worth the trouble. Some people get stage fright. I don’t blame them. You’re literally sitting with your pants off on a cold piece of porcelain, excreting waste, and the only thing separating you from the people you hate seeing every day is an inch thick piece of particle board. Sounds like a real slice of paradise.
Realistically there is only one bad time to drown your browns, and that’s lunch time. Lunch time is your time, so why cut into it? It just doesn’t make sense when you could be making dumps on the company dollar. Lunch time is a no-go. The only thing it’s reserved for is firing some poop fuel into the furnace.
Aside from lunch, there is really no bad time to go. But some times are better than others. The top time you can go is either immediately before or after lunch. Why? Because longer lunch. These dumps will serve as a smooth move into or out of your lunch break, and tack on some extra time away from the rest of the cubicle monkeys.
Another optimal time to use the bathroom is an hour and a half to two hours before work is over. Really key into the hour and a half part. If you go too close to closing time, everyone who is staring into space instead of working will notice your absence. Everyone. If you come back from the bathroom after a noticeable 30 minute absence, it will be obvious what you were doing. Nobody wants that. Instead, save it for the death valley of boredom that is 3-3:30.
I also wanted to point out that 30 minute number. If you aren’t pooping for at least 15-30 minutes, start TODAY. No one is going to call you out for it. That’s super awkward. If they do, just give them a really weird stare and ask, “Are you watching me shit?” Tables turned!
What To Bring
This really shouldn’t even be a question. Bring your phone. I seriously don’t know how people did “sit-down bathroom at work” before these existed. Efficiently? Lame. Did they bring magazines in with them or something? How obvious. Nothing screams, “Hey I’m going to go reek this place up!” quite like a shameful jaunt to the bathroom with a magazine in hand and eyes to the ground. Games, reading material, and poop Snapchats (if you hate your friends) are all available to us now in a discreet little device. God bless technology.
Not every plan is perfect. Sometimes you run into some hiccups along the way in your unsanitary sanctum. Here are a couple things to make sure you have covered before you make your trek.
-Make sure your phone is charged.
-Check the clock. Is it lunch? No? Go for it.
-Does your stall have adequate toilet paper?
-Did you choose the handicapped stall? If not, relocate. Power move points if you actually have a handicapped person at your place of work.
There are also scenarios where you may have to play it cool. If your boss happens to be copiloting the S.S. Stinky in the stall adjacent, you may have to call your cruise to procrastination island early. Also, if someone is suffering from the ever-embarrassing runs that sound like they’re being amplified through a megaphone, try to stifle your laughter. Not everyone has this guide to dropping deuce. Act like you’ve been there before.