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“Do I go with ‘Mod About You’ or ‘I Can’t Hear Myself Pink’?” she asked Caroline as her bag hung from her elbow. “It’s, like, do I want to be supes flashy tonight or low key?”
The Asian woman at the counter continued to signal that they needed to sit down as they had already shown up ten minutes late for their 11 o’clock Saturday appointment, but the girls insisted that they weren’t ready despite the line of walk-ins glaring at them from the front.
“I’m just going to go with ‘Mod About You’ today,” she finally decided while walking towards her chair. “Mimos?” she asked Caroline while making fake pour motions to the 24-year-old girl that knelt in front of her who was about to carry out her appointment.
While waving her hand in her face, she loudly (but slowly) said, “Ex. Cuse. Me. Can. We. Have. Cham. Pagne. And Orange. Juice?” as if slowing her speech down to a sluggish level would somehow make it easier for her manicurist to understand despite the fact that she has been fluent in English for the better part of a decade. She walked off and snickered with the other manicurists about what a nightmare the next 45 minutes were going to be, only to return with two extremely weak mimosas.
As their feet soaked, Caroline asked about Todd, mentioning that they’d been dating for over a year and “he has to think about popping the question at some point, right?”
“I just… I don’t know,” she said before having her toe pricked by the manicurist. “Um, ouch, do you mind?” she asked in a demeaning tone.
The massage chair rolled heavily throughout her back as she stared off into the distance imagining her wedding day while Caroline made an OpenTable reservation on her phone for a farm-to-table dinner that night. Thinking the girls had no idea what was going on at their feet, the manicurists engaged in discussion in their first language.
Picking up her phone, she opened her iMessage conversation with Caroline and texted, “Can you believe these fucking bitches are just sitting here talking shit about us in a foreign fucking language?” Immediately upon sending the message, she looked in Caroline’s direction with only her eyes signaling her unhappiness.
“Um, excuse me, miss?” she asked, again in a slow tone where she overenunciated every word. “This water is too hot, can you turn it down before it burns me?” The manicurist rolled her eyes and felt the water for herself before adjusting the temperature and getting back to work.
“I just… I just don’t know what Todd wants right now. He’s so busy with work and, like, we’ve talked about getting engaged but we haven’t talked about getting engaged… you know?”
“Oh, totes, totes,” Caroline responded, never looking up from her phone.
“I can only drop so many hints. Like, how many times do I have to leave my wedding board up on Pinterest on my laptop before he gets it through his head?”
The manicurist signaled for her to take both legs out of the water so she could begin massaging her calves and painting her toenails with her selected color, Mod About You. But being too deep in her own train of thought, the manicurist was forced to grab her leg and take it out of the water herself which prompted a look of “How dare you?” to come down from the massage chair.
“Please don’t get any lotion on my leggings,” she requested before asking Caroline about dinner. “Did you make the rezzie or were they all booked? I want to let Todd know what time we’re going tonight.”
Caroline peered over and asked, “Sorry, what was that? I missed what you said. Oh oh, dinner, duh. I’m in my own world today. Yeah, we’re on for eight people at 8:30 at Fork + Knife. It’s gonna be so fresh.”
For the next ten minutes, they’d review the menu item by item expressing how delicious (or, “delish” as they said) everything sounded with Caroline finally closing with, “I’m, like, totes over my avo stage. I’m just such a kimchi person right now.”
Yet again rolling their eyes, both manicurists hurriedly lead the girls to their seats to put the finishing touches and color on their nails. With the walk-in line growing longer, the girls couldn’t help but feel rushed which only made them want to take longer as though they felt they deserved better treatment than they were receiving.
Setting her phone in front of her between her arms in case Todd decided to text her back about dinner, she knew she wouldn’t be able to respond until her nails dried anyway. Fearing the uncomfortable face-to-face with the manicurist who she had been on bad terms with since her appointment started, she found it easier to look at her phone or stare off into the distance rather than make uncomfortable conversation.
But as the girls sat at their respective tables receiving the finishing touches, her phone buzzed and she looked down expecting to see the name Todd with the red emoji heart next to his name pop up on her screen. But with wide eyes and a dropped jaw, she stared at her phone.
“Ummm, Caroline… why did Trip just text me?” .
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Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Bitches be Trippin
I feel like this punwork can’t be overly appreciated.
And by overly appreciated, I mean appreciated enough. As in, I chuckled out loud at my desk.
Something tells me Todd and Trip would make really good friends.
Todd should be taking lessons from Trip, he’s the one who figured out how to leave her.
Your name should’ve been “PGPundergrad.”
…I’ll see myself out.
That sets the dad joke bar really high for an undergrad. Let’s see how this kid fares though.
RT
TGDAG: Group Sex?
Todd, Trip and Alex?
Will, you diabolical monster…I love it
I think Todd negotiated a trade deal with Trip.
Fork + Knife sounds like the kind of place where you’d pay $30 for an entree, get hungry 2 hours later and end up getting Taco Bell.
Most likely, these girls will be ordering a wimpy arugula, roasted beet and goat cheese salad.
And then at midnight after 3 hours of drinking they’re having two Quesalupas each and being #sobad but it’s ok because drunk calories don’t count.
“I’ve been, like, so good this week. I only had the arugula salad at dinner and I’ve been drinking skinny girl vodka all night. Todd, order some cheese fries so I can have one or two!”
**eats entire large order of bacon, cheese fries herself, one frie at a time, while simultaneously looking disgusted that anything might dare to get her hands greasy**
Ohhhhhh shhhhiiiiitt. What are Caroline and Trip up to? This seems fishy. Also, is dating for a year really the time frame to talk about getting engaged? Somebody please help me out with that, it’s worrisome.
This worried me too. A year is pretty short when you think about it.
I got engaged after 9 months. I have friends who got engaged after 9 years, or after 3 months. I know life long relationships that define my views on love that got engaged after 3 weeks. I know relationships where they dated for years and could only stay married for a couple years. It’s really relative depending on the couple.
When you know, you know.
I can understand that, it makes sense to me. I guess I mean is after a year is the engagement talk really a widespread expectation?
I feel like you should at least live with each other for a year before even contemplating marriage, but that’s just me.
I can get behind that. I mean, I’m not buying a car before I test drive it so I apply the same logic here.
Also, some people are engaged for years before actually getting married.
According to that logic, divorce rates should be lower since people have been doing just that more and more over the years. But that’s not the case.
I recall reading a study that showed that people who move in together before marriage are more likely to get divorced. I think the theory was that people who move in together tend to have problems and think moving in will solve them. Sorta like the whole having a baby to fix a boring marriage thing.
The study found that people who move in together before marriage are more likely to get divorced, IF they have done it previously with other partners. If you move in with a partner for the first time then get married, then your chance of divorce is the same as people who waited to live together after marriage.
I’d say after a year you should at least be talking about the future together or getting out.
“Mimos”. . .
Never hated her more
Came here to say this.
She treats people like shit. The grocery store guy, the bookstore girl, and now the pedicure women. If I saw this behavior in real life I’d dump her.
I just can’t wait for TGDAG: Pregnancy Scare
TGDAG: Coat Hanger
TGDAG: Learn Todd moved to Mexico to avoid raising his bastard
Fake pregnancy scare to get that fucking ring*
TTDAG (Things Todd Does After Graduation): Hideout in Mexico.
Apparently I should have refreshed before commenting
Caroline strikes me as the kind of girl who’s a freak in the sheets, but a real stuck up bitch in the streets.
As long as she’s on your side though…
Her attempt at a hint by having perfect nails for the proposal photos is going to fly right over Todd’s head…I don’t see this going over well.
Not to overanalyze the situation but does anyone else feel like the girl wants to get engaged just because its the next logical step in her relationship…not because she truly wants to be with him?
I think that describes everything she does.
Ugh, yes. All she does is shit on poor Todd, as if he’s such a hassle to deal with.
A Trip cliffhanger?! Oh Chill you clever bastard.