We all know that guys are gross – it’s just a fact. We know they love holding their balls, they snot-rocket like it’s their job, and they figured out how to spell their name by peeing into the snow the second the idea occurred to them. Dudes eat leftover burrito bowls with day two guac; they’re nasty.
But the secret that every girl knows to be true but pretends isn’t reality is the fact that we, the “fairer” of the sexes, are way, way, way grosser than our XY counterparts. It’s true: girls are disgusting. And every girl reading this is nodding in solidarity and giggling about the fact that she was in on the secret too. And we’re never going to change; we’ll only get grosser. Ask any guy with a live in girlfriend or chick roommate, bro has seen some dark things.
1. We never wash our bras.
Once every six months we’ll go through the painstaking effort of actually hand-washing those suckers. But it takes so freaking long and is such a pain we’ll just keep wearing them over and over again until they smell too much like BO and Rhianna’s Rebel Fleur perfume, and then we’ll just switch to another bra. You know how people never wash their “probably from high school track but I still own them and only wear them at home” sweatpants? Our bras make those look new.
2. Popping zits and extracting stuff from our face is our heroin.
I was getting ready to go out with a friend of mine and noticed a little asshole trying to say, “Sup?” on my chin the other night, and without giving it a second thought popped it right in front of her. Rather than be like, “Yo, maybe not while I’m trying to do a cat eye right next to me!” she just watched and then sighed saying, “I love popping zits too.” Everybody does. A favorite activity for every girl is ripping off a pore strip and examining the bits left behind with the flashlight of her phone.
3. We never wash our hair.
I am currently writing this with day six dirty hair, and I might make it to day seven. Why would I get in the shower to lather, rinse, repeat which will inevitably take forever since I’ll have to dry my hair when I have dry shampoo and bandanas at my disposal? Yeah the answer is, “No, thank you.” Ask your girl if she washed her hair on your next date. If the answer is an honest “Yes, of course!” it’s because it was too dirty to touch and she isn’t ready to let you know how gross she is.
4. Periods turn us into MacGyver.
Don’t have a tampon? There’s toilet paper some place, somewhere and you can make it work. Periods surprise you out of nowhere and now your boy shorts look like a Rorschach test? Well, you’ll just soak them in the sink, inevitably forget about them, and scare the shit out of either yourself or the next person who goes to wash their hands.
5. We Get into it with extracting ingrown hairs.
The number of times I have said, “That’s not an STD, that’s an ingrown hair” to one of my friends is really embarrassing for them. What follows is that girl taking tweezers, extractors, pliers if necessary to get that thing out. She will remove that piece of her thigh if need be. Sorry you got caught in the crossfire there, skin, but the ingrowns had to go.
6. We burp louder than you do.
Just because we don’t do it in front of you doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. But when we’re slamming back La Croix and cheesecake on a Sunday afternoon waiting for Bachelor In Paradise, we’ll let them rip like we’re a cartoon character. Sometimes my burps have scared my dog — not ashamed.
7. Our drunk eating should be on Discovery Channel.
Sure, everyone likes to get wild with some Dominos after wandering home from the bars. But girls? Girls are like tigers at the zoo who know it’s feeding time. They will devour everything in sight and it’s not pretty. Entire boxes of macaroni and cheese, whole bags of Tostitos in bed, Pad Thai with no utensils. The next morning it will look like someone got really hungry but ate everything while spinning because there will be food everywhere. And she’ll emerge from her bedroom with orange chicken on her glasses like, “What the hell happened?” .
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