Swipe Left, Swipe Right: Simple Standards For Tinder

Swipe Left, Swipe Right: Some Simple Standards For Tinder

If you’re like me, you’re stuck somewhere in-between the stage where getting a profile and a account. It’s a fine line, but you’re probably not ready to take the plunge into serious online dating. Let’s face it, you don’t want to admit defeat even though every blind date or one night stand with a dude from the bar ends in total failure.

That’s where Tinder comes in. Tinder is supposed to help you “Discover those around you.” It’s an app that lets you judge a person solely on looks, and occasionally a witty bio, if you actually get that far.

With Tinder now worldwide, I took it upon myself to get serious about the thing. My good friend introduced me to it in undergrad, and I was skeptical. I mean, why would half the guys on there need Tinder to get a date? Then I was reminded that I needed Tinder to get a date. I still couldn’t take it seriously though. That was until I found myself working eight hour shifts, realizing most people around me are married or are in serious committed relationships.

Enter Tinder. You know the drill. Swipe left, swipe right.

His first photo is him with his shirt off, and he’s not doing something active.
Swipe left.

It’s a mirror selfie.
Swipe left. Go back to MySpace.

You have to click through his profile to actually figure out which one he is.
Swipe left. This is not “Where’s Waldo.”

He’s holding another female, or multiple females.
Swipe left. I’m not starting this out if you already have women in your life.

He has a nice whip in the picture with him.
Swipe left. It’s not his.

He’s holding up a degree.
Swipe right, but only if it’s a college degree. This is not the place for cougars.

He doesn’t look too drunk.
Swipe left. I’m questioning your sobriety. No thanks.

His bio has Hansen lyrics in it.
Swipe left. Personal experience. He asked for tit pics immediately after.

He actually talks about wanting a relationship in his bio.
Swipe left. If you have to sell it to me, I’m not interested.

His bio claims he’s in some kind of engineering, pre-law, pre-medicine program.
Swipe left. Why don’t you already have someone?

Congrats. You’ve found someone with which you mutuall swiped  right, and are now staring at a blank screen where Tinder tells you to say something in some witty version of “just message them already.”

They message you: Hi, Hello, Halo, Herro, Hey, Heyy, How’re ya, Shawty, I’d bang, Gorgeous, or any other derivative of a semi-familiar booty call.

Don’t respond.

Nope, don’t respond. Don’t give them your number, your last name, add them on Facebook, or agree to meet up with them in a public space.

Instead, just get off Tinder and realize that you’re not ready for the rejection of a person you judged based solely on looks that will make you question your very understanding of the word attractive.

Go back to accepting every blind date from your married coworkers. You don’t even have to swipe.

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Just a postgrad trying to make it on deadline and to happy hour, simultaneously.

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