44 Thoughts Every Woman Will Have During The Victoria’s Secret Swim Special


  1. I’ve spent too much of my hard-earned money at Victoria’s Secret to not support this.
  2. Like, honestly, boys probably think Victoria’s Secret is my corporate sponsor or something at this point. And, in a perfect world, they’d be right.
  3. I am also in no physical condition to wear a bathing suit right now.
  4. We can attribute that to the three jars of cookie butter I’ve consumed in the last two weeks.
  5. Thanks, snow.
  6. I love you, sweatpants.
  7. And pizza.
  8. And Chick-fil-A. God, do I love Chick-fil-A. Are they still open?
  9. “Yes, hi. I’d like an eight-count nugget, a medium order of waffle fries…”
  10. “I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.”
  11. Adam Levine used to be so attractive. Note to self: never marry, stay hot, profit.
  12. Do you think Taylor Swift is going to come out and steal the show again or…?
  13. Who and/or what the hell is Juanes?
  14. Don’t try to culture me, Victoria’s Secret.
  15. Reminder: Schedule a spray tan for as soon as humanly possible.
  16. I’m so pale that I’m borderline translucent.
  17. Throw some glitter on me and call me a Cullen.
  18. I need that bathing suit.
  19. And that one.
  20. And I want that top and those bottoms, so I can mix and match, you know?
  21. Maybe I should purchase a sarong? I don’t know. Is that even still a thing women do?
  22. I feel like a sarong says, “I’m classic and worldly and sophisticated.”
  23. Or, “I’m a Miss USA contestant and Donald Trump has probably gotten off to my photos.” Either or.
  24. Consensus: no sarong.
  25. I have eaten an entire number five from Chick-fil-A, half a pint of ice cream, and now I’m eating Nutella out of the jar — and yet, I feel no shame.
  26. *frantically searches for Brazilian butt lift DVDs*
  27. “So it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. We’re going to have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.”
  28. But, like, obviously I’m not starting this tonight.
  29. I’ll wait until around a week before I know I’m going to be wearing a bikini, just like every year.
  30. Definitely buying the bikinis tonight, though.
  31. I’m sorry, how much is that swim top?
  32. *calls VSHQ* “Hi, Victoria? There seems to be a mistake on your website. Um, pretty sure there’s a typo under ‘price.’ Sure, I’ll hold.”
  33. “Oh, not a typo, huh? Can you hold on for one second?”
  34. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. No, Victoria. Just no.
  35. “Hey, are you still there? Okay, do you know if there’s going to be a sale soon or anything? Are there any coupons you could give me? Maybe a kidney to sell black market-style?”
  36. Do I really need a new bikini?
  37. Yes.
  38. Do you think I could ask Mom to buy them for me as Easter gifts?
  39. The reason for the season…
  40. Do you think she just works out for an insane amount of her life or do you think she just watches what she eats?
  41. I swear I’ll go for a jog tomorrow.
  42. If it’s sunny/warm/the snow has melted/hell freezes over.
  43. Nah, I’ll probably just nap.
  44. Fuck that, where are the cookies?

The first ever Victoria’s Secret Swim Special airs tonight at 10/9c on CBS. You’re welcome.

Image via Anton Oparin/

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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