Enjoy and appreciate the weekly advice. Two-pronged question for you on weddings. Some of the boys and I have been debating this; what’s the threshold on acceptable plus-ones to weddings? Long-term girlfriends/spouses/fiancées only, or is there a little more leeway? Also – what’s the rule of thumb for how long you should be seeing somebody before it’s ok to bring them as your plus-one? I said a month as the absolute bare-minimum, and that’s provided the RSVP even comes that late in the game. Thanks!
Good, relatable couple questions here. The general rule is if the couple shows longterm viability, throw a plus one at them. Length of time they’ve been a couple matters, but it’s not the end-all, be-all litmus test. If you think the plus one will likely in attendance at the next few gatherings with your friends, like a pool party or night on the town or bris, then they should probs be invited.
But if your buddy Tanner is the type to bounce from fling to fling, his date Tiffany shouldn’t be there for your big day. Because she’ll be in pics and in your memory bank from that night, and, frankly, Tiffany doesn’t belong — I don’t care how great her tits looked that night.
The answer to your second question is basically the same as the first one. Is she just someone you’re having fun with at the moment, or do you two have longterm potential? Leave Tiff at home.
I’ve got one that maybe you can relate to with your new lifestyle in the cut. The city I live in doesn’t lend itself to dating apps as you can swipe everyone in a few days. That said I’m more on bars and trying to find activities to meet people. Do you have a go-to activity in a busy schedule with work/gym/cooking/etc? Do you ever hit the bars and things solo if the guys are busy? Also curious as to the types of bars you hit/the vibe you try to give off.
I don’t have a go-to activity for trying to meet people. This sounds really lame and self-indulgent, but I’m too busy for extracurriculars at this moment in my life. Between work, exercising, and spending time with The Homie, I just try to squeeze in some TV time here and there when I can. Plus I’m lowkey dating someone now who is a handful and gets a lot of my weekend time.
I can’t fathom going to a bar alone, so no, I will never do that. When I do go out, I prefer a nice dinner with drinks and maybe a drink at a nearby bar afterward. I’ve been going out too much, actually. Might dial it down.
I’ve recently started sitting on my boss’s desk when he asks me to come over to talk about a project. Either that or leaning on the cabinet behind him. Any other subtle power moves you can recommend me trying out to amuse myself?
Damn, sitting on your boss’s desk in front of his face is a POWER move. The balls on this guy. Maybe McGannon can chime in here. He’s the power move guy.
Maybe do some air golf swings or air free throws as he’s talking to you. Oh wait, you should definitely cross him over with an invisible basketball as you pass him in the hallway. Or juke him with an invisible football. Or try to hand off the invisible football to him.
And yes I realize all my power moves are sports related.
So week after week I read your mailbag and there are constantly questions about relationships and you always seem to have pretty solid advice. So here it goes:
My boyfriend and I met on a dating app in the beginning of 2016 and we made things official the following fall, which means we’re coming up on a year. This relationship has very high highs and very low lows. I don’t want to sit here and act like I don’t have my own character flaws, because I know that I do, but when things are bad my boyfriend is just flat out mean. I’ve never been in a relationship where name calling was fair game during a fight. I guess that’s just not my style of fighting so I’m always taken back when he resorts to it. I’m starting to think he may also have narcissistic personality disorder or may be depressed because he’ll randomly tell me that he’s unhappy and there is nothing that I can do to make him happy because I’m just not good enough and he deserves better. But then 30 seconds later he tells me how happy he is that I’m his girlfriend and how he always wants me in his life. It leaves me feeling hurt and confused.
So my question is: Do I stay and try to work on things? He gets defensive if I try to talk to him about his character flaws, no matter which way I approach them. I really do feel like I love him, but I’m actually starting to question myself and wonder if I’m just not good enough.
Totally unrelated but you give me major Coach Taylor vibes. I dig it.
This is tough. Name calling and saying you’re not good enough for him are things no one should deal with in a relationship. I know it’s not that simple, though. You love him so it’s not easy to turn your back on him.
It does sound like he’s a little off balance, though. I don’t have a great answer for this one but maybe have a serious discussion with him, express your concern for his erratic emotions and mood swings, and suggest he talk to a professional to see what’s going on there. I really don’t know. Hopefully someone else has a better answer.
P.S. WHAT A COMPLIMENT
I’ve recently been hooking up with a very good friend of mine and we have never had any sexual tension before since he’s been in a long term relationship for the majority of our friendship. (The relationship is long over and 100% he’s over it). I’m the only girl he’s been getting with for a while now but he still treats me the same as he always has (like a ~friend~) and we have not once talked about this situation. Ever. But if he’s only getting with me and we really make each other laugh and get along – isn’t that basically what people in a relationship do? Am I deep in the friend zone? Honestly have no idea I’m very confused.
So he’s getting sex from you while treating you like a friend and you need clarity on what’s going on between you two and where the relationship is going — yet you haven’t talked to him about it. Uh, why not? Yeah that’s what people in a relationship do but as long as this is all happening on the foundation of a friendship, then you’re in a friends with benefits situation.
Just talk to him about it. It’s really that simple.
I have been reading postgrad problems for a little over a year now, and even though I am not a post graduate I am still left with one of the universal paradoxes. For starters, I am a average black male who so happens to be Trump supporter (thought I’d just put that out there) and forgive me for being too mature for my age, but I generally don’t like being at the center of attention at parties (I can’t dance), and I am more of sit-down social type a guy. To cut to the chase it seems that I can find girls, but either they are way out of my league and I know something is up or if they are decent after three or four dates I seem to get annoyed and I start letting out the blatant truth. So what I am asking is “Am I being too picky or I have I just not found a girl that I’d want to be in a relationship with?”
I’ve never understood why people ask “am I being too picky?” How could anyone ever be too picky when it comes to committing themselves to someone? No. Hell no you’re not being too picky. If there’s one thing you’re supposed to be picky about, it’s your significant other.
What’s the “blatant truth” you mention? That you support Trump? That you’re not a partier? That, even though you’re black, you can’t dance? I’m laughing over here because I don’t even know what these have to do with your question. These things barely even begin to describe who you are as a person so they don’t really matter very much. You’ll find someone who digs you for you eventually, so don’t settle..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to email@example.com and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.