20 Ways To Close A Deal


Everyone makes deals in life, whether it’s landing a job, making a sale, buying a prostitute, or selling your soul. You have something in demand, and it’s your job to pilfer as much money as possible during the exchange. Here are some surefire ways to be a solid closer. I use the word “client” to generically represent anybody in your life who you are seeking to take advantage of.

  1. Always smile. It makes people feel more comfortable and trusting. Just don’t Jack it up too much and creep people out.
  2. Become a master of fine print. When it comes to legally binding pieces of paper that arbitrarily signify ownership, nobody got raped harder than the Native Americans. Speak the language. Don’t trust interpreters. Don’t be a Navajo.
  3. Know your client’s needs–alcohol, cocaine, and strippers close more deals than you can imagine.
  4. Get a crew together. In tough situations, send in the heavy hitters to “Ocean’s Eleven” that shit. Hunting in packs is a better evolutionary strategy than flying solo.
  5. Be available 24/7. You want to make the client feel privileged. It doesn’t matter if you’re at a pagan orgy pouring goat blood from an onyx goblet onto a woman with a devil’s mouth tattooed on her vagina. You better answer your fucking phone.
  6. Meet face to face, if possible. Skype is great when there’s no alternative, but most people look at themselves in the thumbnail while they talk, which means they’re more worried about what they look like than what you’re saying.
  7. Create leverage. Find out what a client doesn’t know he needs and take advantage of it. Convince an old dildo it’s an old dick and you’ll sell a ton of Viagra.
  8. Control information. The more you know about the situation and everyone involved in it, the more you can identify weaknesses. Know all the angles and nothing can sneak up on you.
  9. Have a good backup plan. If it wasn’t for Plan B, the market would be flooded with a million more idiots and they’d all be competing for your job.
  10. Make your business cards unique from every other template-using, self-titled asshole out there. Our generation is about individualism. Our generation is about branding.
  11. Visualize. If someone intimidates you, just imagine him or her with a dick in his or her mouth. Words seems to carry less weight from then on.
  12. Offer incentives. Sometimes the client just needs a little nudge in the right direction–especially a nudge that the IRS doesn’t know about.
  13. Blackmail is always an option when you’re stuck between a cock and a hard place.
  14. If you can’t service a client’s needs, find someone who can. Preferably someone who is disease free.
  15. Learn neuro-linguistic programming. Voodoo your way to success.
  16. Negotiate. A business negotiation is like a marble block. Chisel it down skillfully and sculpt a masterpiece.
  17. You don’t have to be good, you just have to be clutch. The only thing that matters in beer pong is hitting the last cup. Apply that metaphor to your entire life.
  18. Carry a gun. Never get caught at the bad end of a dark deal with your dick in your hand. Shoot first, and don’t be there when the cops show up.
  19. Depending on your level of commitment, you could always kidnap the client’s family. That would make you a psychopath, of course, but then again, psychopaths make great closers.
  20. Threaten thermonuclear war. America: Undisputed Heavy Weight World Closing Champion since 1945.

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