Maybe you both swiped right for each other on Tinder and now you’re chatting up a storm. Maybe she’s the hot intern trying desperately to make a name for herself and you’re the boss who lets her by even though she’s doing everything wrong. Maybe she’s trying to get a good grade and you’re a naughty, naughty professor. Maybe you met her at a club down in old SoHo where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola.
Evidently, I watch too much porn and might listen to The Kinks a little too often. Anyway, you’re talking back and forth with a girl or guy. During the day, it’s playful, friendly, and a little bit flirty, but at night, you want to get a little R-rated. I feel you! The next logical step is, of course, you wanting to see the other person naked. Search your feelings–you know it to be true. But you’ve got to be smart about it. Asking “Boobs?” will likely send this very local train to Poundtown to a screeching halt, and if you lead with a picture of your schlong, you’ve got little to no game to speak of. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Props for the power move, but studies show 90 percent of women think most schlongs are ugly, despite how much joy and happiness weiners bring them. Filthy hypocrites. Here are a few tasteful ways to ask for Nudie Judies.
There’s nothing more romantic than “Tits?” written in 1,000 foot clouds of smoke hanging lazily above her house. She’ll be so impressed that she may never wear clothes again.
The Traditional Route
You’re a simple man with simple tastes. I respect that. You believe in sending flowers, cards, and candy, which is a beautiful sentiment. Perhaps the floral arrangement will trigger an overwhelming mental command for all of her clothes to fall off, or maybe the card will write out a heartfelt message summarizing your desire to see her get buck nekkid. Just do yourself a favor and maybe go easy on the candy. As we all know, the enemy of n00dz is love handles. (Shudder.)
Treat It Like A Proposal
Dress up nicely. Wine and dine the woman at your mutual favorite restaurant. Take her for a horse-drawn carriage ride through the park and reminisce about your time together. Then, when you arrive at the gazebo overlooking the lake in the middle of the park on a beautiful, starry night as a string quartet plays your song (“Feel This Moment” by Pitbull, naturally) get down on one knee and ask for a picture of her tits. She’ll pretty much have to.
Write It In Lipstick (Or Blood) On Her Mirror While She’s Showering
Actually, we can’t advocate that, and we’re not going to. I’m pretty sure this is illegal, so don’t do it. Though, I do hear fear is a mighty fine aphrodisiac…no, no–don’t do it. Just don’t. This probably creates more problems than it solves.
The Firefly Whisperer
Capture a bunch of fireflies, train them to fly in formation, and then take your lady for a nature walk at night. Once you slip your firefly minions the signal you taught them (make sure it’s subtle so your girl can’t tell what you’re doing) they’ll spell out the most beautiful and awe inspiring message of, “I wanna see what you look like naked” that any man or beast has ever seen. She’ll think it’s nature’s way of telling her that you’re the one…she should send naked pictures to. Nice move!
Ooh, this is a good one! Just keep asking. Get on your knees and beg. Send the word “please” about 50 times. Nothing makes a woman more attracted to a man than knowing he has no backbone and will do anything for her in exchange for a picture of her naked body. Hot. (Note: Ladies, this might actually work. Write that down.)
Meeting Her Parents
Nothing can be classier than a man meeting a girl’s father, giving him a firm handshake, looking him dead in the eye, and asking him for naked pictures of his daughter, his pride and joy. If you have any teeth left in your head afterward, you’ll have a shit-eating grin from the sheer amount of nude photos you’ll have flowing into your phone, like horny salmon coursing through a mighty river of porn.
Getting A Public Access Cable Show
Local airtime is dirt cheap to buy and it would probably reap an insane amount of benefits for you, namely in the way of nudes. Call it “Up All Night To Get Anna’s Nude Pics,” bring in a desk and some chairs, do a short monologue, write a segment called “The Top 10 Reasons Anna Should Send Me Nudes,” have some interviews with her ex-boyfriends where they describe what she looks like naked, and call it a night. Who knows? It might even be a hit! Or you might get hit with a car. Either way, you’ll come out ahead.
The Music Man
Take your girl to a Broadway show, but pay the cast, crew, and pit orchestra an inordinate sum of money to change all the lyrics to be about her–specifically, her naked. If “South Park” taught us anything, it’s that if you take a girl to any given Broadway show, oral sex will be your reward. But if you rewrite an entire musical for her, the world is your oyster, and that oyster is filled with nudes.
If all else fails, consult a religious leader, a teacher, or someone you trust and try to have this person intervene on your behalf, because a nude picture for you…is a nude picture for America. Mazel Tov and Godspeed.