Decoding The 5 Most Common Drunk Texts


Are you one of those people who shouldn’t own a phone after midnight? I have come to terms with the unfortunate fact that I am. The things drunk me can justify sending to people is unreal. “I mean, who wouldn’t want to talk to me at 1am?!” – drunk me (see what I mean). Since every form of social media has a private messaging feature these days, just checking my text message outbox (or inbox if I’m lucky) doesn’t necessarily mean I’m in the clear. Just when I think I was on my best behavior, I start seeming to recall a little Facebook messenger excursion. Shit. However, to the best of my knowledge, I am not the only one with this issue. Whether we leave ourselves plenty of evidence to wallow in the next morning or do a mass drunk-delete for fear of what sober us might find, there are always a few standard drunk-text approaches we are certain to find at one point or another.

The Subtle Drunk Text

This one consists of short, yet sweet attempts at charm, such as “Hi”, “Heeeeyyyy”, “Hola”, (insert some other “cute” attempt at the word “hello”). Though this little word may look meaningless on its face, it’s backed by much forethought. It can mean anything from “I want to talk to you, but I have had one too many vodka drinks to think of something clever to say,” to “I have no idea what you’re doing, and don’t want to seem too forward, but I want you to know I’m intoxicated and available for ‘talking to’; ball is in your court now, buddy.”

The Inquisitive Drunk Text

The next step up from the subtle drunk text is when you just straight up ask what he or she is doing. Some examples include: “Sup?” “Whatcha up to?” “Partying tonight? / You out?” Curiosity and the last few whiskey mixers have gotten the best of you. If he or she is down for the count, you want to know right now, because in drunk text land, time shalt not be wasted on those not available for play.

The Conversation Starter Drunk Text

This one is for people at the top of their drinking bell curve. You’re definitely not sober, but you’re not “wanna come over later” drunk, either. You’re thinking ahead. You know if you get ‘em talking early enough, it won’t come as big 2am surprise to them later when you’re more aggressive. You start sending feelers out to gauge his or her future receptiveness. “How was your day/night?” “Drinking?” (This is similar to the previous “Partying tonight? / You out?” Actually any of that is satisfactory for this mission.) “I didn’t wanna go out tonight, but here I am.” “This place is a shit-show; you’d love it.” Insert any other statement you think might illicit a response. Whether it’s an “It was alright, yours?” “Yeah, me too” or “Oh really, where at?” etc., the Red Sea of communication has parted; game on.

The “Let’s Cut The Bullshit; I’m Drunk and Want to Hang Out” Drunk Text

The bar is approaching closing time. There is no more time left to be wasted, for a game plan is now in order. If you’re going home to a solo nightcap, now’s the time to figure it out so you can prepare yourself, emotionally. However, accompaniment is the end goal here. How that is achieved can range from “Wanna hang out?” “Wanna come over for a drink?” “Come see me” “Wanna watch ‘xyz’ on HBOGo?” Sometimes, the answer to any one of these questions is actually “sure”, and for a moment in time, the drunk-texting stars have aligned.

The Explicit Drunk Text

This is one that you can keep in your back pocket to pull out when someone is being dense, or you just mean business. If you and the recipient are seasoned drunk-text exchangers, it may just be how you communicate best at a late hour. I don’t think I need to give examples of this, and you know damn well what this leads to.

No matter which strategy you use, each one essentially means the same thing. You want to hang out, or in the least heavily communicate. The end goal doesn’t even necessarily have to be sexual, though if I was a betting person… As the recipient, take these little literary gifts as flattery. At least you know someone is thinking about you, even if it’s only because the booze made him or her.

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After stretching college out for 9 years, McMagistrate is now an attorney in her late-ish 20's who earned her title by embracing the stigma that accompanies a healthy partying habit. She enjoys showing off her sub-par golf game and pretending her impressive law school loan doesn't exist. You can likely find her on her patio, live-tweeting her wine binges, and concerning her neighbors.

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