I’m The Office El Chapo

I'm The Office El Chapo

I’m just going to shoot you straight: I have the hookup. Everyone around the office knows me as the kingpin. I have customers slide in and out of my office multiple times a day. Demand is high, and I’ve got the supply. Not really the industry I thought I would get involved in, but I’ve built quite the empire. Word has spread around the office like wildfire. Everyone knows that I have high quality stuff. I have a complete monopoly and zero competitors. I’m not talking about cocaine. I’m talking about lunch accessories.

Have you ever brought last night’s chicken for lunch and forgotten a fork or maybe a paper plate? Have you ever had a little spill and just needed some extra napkins? What about getting Chick-Fil-A and forgetting to ask for sauce? I’m your guy.

It all started with the Korean deli down the street. One day my total came out to around eight bucks, and I pulled out my card to pay. The nice little Korean lady looked at me and said, “Sorry, $10 minimum.”


A little salty that I had to pay a couple extra dollars, I took a couple extra forks and napkins to get my money’s worth. Then, out of spite, I would always snag a couple forks, napkins, and even spoons on every visit to the deli. That Korean deli down the street went out of business a couple weeks ago, and I am not sorry.

Then one day my office mom popped her head in my door and asked if I had an extra fork, and I happily donated. Then her office mate asked me for a knife and napkins one day. Soon, word spread through the grapevine, and I would get 5-10 customers a day. I had to increase my supply. Every time I went out for lunch, I returned with forks, spoons, knives, napkins, salt, pepper, moist towelettes. Hell, I even have Chick-Fil-A sauce in my drawer. (Side note: This is a top 5 greatest sauce of all time and it is not up for debate). I watch the office kitchens and conference rooms like a vulture. Any leftover paper plates after the birthday cake is gone are considered mine. A bag full of condiments with a note that says “take them” is just begging to be adopted by me.

Yes, I have a drawer solely dedicated to my lunch accessory operation. Actually I have two because this has just gotten out of control. My desk has 6 drawers, and since I never file any papers and practically do everything digitally, these drawers serve no purpose. I have my personal snack drawer, and then I have my stockpile drawers. The top left drawer is what’s on display, and then I have my “warehouse,” which is a large filing cabinet drawer full of all of my back stock and products that are in development. For example, now that we have moved into the winter months, soup has become a common lunch staple. I have moved snowflake-covered paper bowls to display and returned the summer-themed paper plates to the warehouse. The other key is variety. I don’t just have spoons, I have big spoons, normal spoons, soup spoons, some grapefruit spoons, and more sporks than the local Taco Bell (which is where they all came from).

I haven’t even told you the best part yet: the return. What originally started as a charity has now turned into a very profitable operation. What began as a simple redistribution of wealth has become a large business. I have gone from Robin Hood into Pablo Escobar. They even call me El Chapo around the office (sick New Balances btw). People appreciate my charity so much that they began to pay it forward. My office mom used to give me her extra Munchkins from Dunkin’, but now she just brings me my own box as a thank you. People bring me extra leftovers (#TeamLasagna), drinks, and someone even bought me lunch the other day just because.

I don’t quite know what’s next for my business. I may have to slow down the operation, because with all of this growth, I may need another desk. Maybe I could go all Frank Underwood on my office mate and get him fired just so I can use his drawers and cabinets. As I write this, someone just asked me for a spork and knife combo; it seems it will never stop. I also would be very interested in growing my empire through mentorship. If you would like to create a lunch accessory operation of your own, I would be happy to help. I might even write a manual.

Together we can change the world, one spork at a time.

Image via Shutterstock

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Just a big dude from Virginia who loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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