Every once in a while you have one of those nights where the pheromonal gods smile upon you and orchestrate drunken sexual tension between you and a member of the opposite sex that could be cut with a pair of safety scissors. If you play your cards right, you’ll end up going home with said individual for some post-last call debauchery. Sometimes you hook up; sometimes nothing actually happens and you both pass out (#PGP). Then comes the morning after, where you have to make sense of the night before. Sometimes you wake up alone, whether in your own home or someone else’s. Sometimes you wake up next to last night’s liaison. Whatever the scenario, there are several key signs that you DID do the dirty deed last night.
1. You woke up in someone else’s bed wearing a mens button down and, if you’re lucky, your panties.
2. You’re walking a little funny.
3. You’re missing multiple pieces of jewelry, including at least one earring.
4. You have to use “Find My iPhone” to track down your phone, which turns out to be at an apartment complex 6 miles away.
5. You have a 6:30am Uber ride receipt in your email from said apartment complex.
6. There’s a towel spread on the bed (at least he was a gentleman about it).
7. The guy you woke up next to is wearing less clothing than you are.
8. You vaguely remember doing tequila shots before heading home with said guy.
9. Your panties are in a bunch. Literally. On the floor as if they were thrown across the room.
10. You wake up as the little spoon feeling a morning surprise pressed up against you.
11. You have a hickey.
12. He has a hickey.
13. Only one of your butt cheeks is sore.
14. It takes you 15 minutes to find your left shoe. It’s in the living room.
15. Instead of waking up hungover, you just wake up tired.
16. Your makeup is smeared.
17. If you put up your hair the night before, it’s now half undone and tangled.
18. You have a text from your best friend saying, “Soooo… how did last night go? You two looked like you were having fun (winky face, fist pump, high five emoticons)”
19. He fell asleep blindfolded.
20. You woke up wearing heels and nothing else.
1. You find long hairs on various parts of your body.
2. You have mystery scratches on your arms and back.
3. There is a trail of clothing leading to the bedroom.
4. You wake up to sex paraphernalia (silk hand ties, blindfolds, various sex toys) scattered on her bed.
5. Your back is sorer than usual.
6. You find loose women’s jewelry in your bed.
7. Instead of an empty pizza box on the coffee table, there is an empty box of condoms.
8. Your apartment looks like a tornado hit it, even though it was clean when you went out last night.
9. You reek of perfume.
10. Body glitter. Everywhere.
11. You have more lipstick on you than she does.
12. You wake up with a neatly written note with a girl’s name, phone number, and “sorry, I had to wake up early for church” safety pinned to your shirt.
13. There are unraveled condoms on the floor.
14. You wake up to her cuddling you with an impossible to escape death grip.
15. You have untamable morning after hair.
16. She’s long gone before you even wake up.
17. Your finger smells funny.
18. You wake up feeling like you were sweating all night.
19. Buttons are missing from your shirt as if someone tore it off you.