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I’ll admit it. I felt like I needed a shower after writing this. My Spring Break pic creeping days are behind me, let me tell you. I come to you a changed man. I no longer take an extra bathroom break to check Instagram in the afternoon when the weather starts warming up. In fact, I’m not even Facebook friends with anyone who’s going on Spring Break. So I wouldn’t even know how to acquire the annual treasure trove of bikini pics, generous booty shots, or nip slips that grace our timelines when the calendar turns to March. I’d be remiss if this reformed creep did not pass his precious knowledge along to you.
1. Don’t do it on your phone.
The first mistake you’ll make when creeping on Spring Break pics is doing it on your phone. Much like a pristine Chinese buffet sneeze guard, a rogue finger can ruin everything. If it happens, don’t panic. If it’s Instagram, it’s not that big of a deal. That girl posted the pic for that very reason. She knew that older dudes needed a little escape during their mid-afternoon BM. She’s a champ. However, the difference between Instagram pics and Facebook pics are vast and the contrast between consequences for each respective “like” is striking. Like an Instagram bikini pic, and you can brush it off. It’ll get lost in the 122 likes anyway. If you like a Facebook pic, you need to pack it all up and disappear from the face of the earth. That is embarrassing. There’s no privacy on Facebook. That single, solitary like is now getting blasted out to each and every one of your friends, the hot girl’s mom, her aunt, your first grade teacher, your ex-girlfriend, your boss and her roided out boyfriend.
Stick to the laptop and leave the iPad on the coffee table when engaging creep mode.
2. Be a phantom.
The key to creeping is to never do anything other than look. Looking won’t get you in trouble. You are a silent, creepy, dirty, shameless observer. Do not comment or like anything. There is a bit of gamesmanship that goes into creeping. A well-placed comment could go a long way, but you’re best served resisting temptation. You really think saying “Very nice! (Borat voice)” on Stacy Bennett’s beach pic from Acapulco is going to get you anywhere closer to sleeping with her? Wrong. Dead wrong. Cool, casual, under control. Unless you are directly tagged in a pic or a comment, you are to remain in the shadows. If you are, by some miracle of God, in fact tagged in a picture full of hot chicks, you must respond. Keep it simple. Stuff like “Nice!” “Looks like fun!” or “Be safe down there!” Don’t acknowledge that you miss them, that you wish you were there or how badly you wish you would have capitalized on that last call makeout session two years ago.
3. Share, but do so responsibly.
Every group text needs the brazen creep. A guy who has no problem with sending pure smut to his boys at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning. However, you have to make sure you don’t monopolize the creepiness. Take stock of the situation. Did anyone in this group chat hook up with any of these girls you’re about to obscenely describe? Is someone’s sister friends with any of these girls? Do they even know these girls? It’s probably in your best interest to keep your creeping to random girls you don’t know. The “How about this chick?” game is a favorite pastime of mine. Nothing quite like a good group text catch up session loaded with perverse comments and unnecessary sexual terminology to garnish blurry cell phone pics.
4. Quantity over quality.
You haven’t seen a hard-bodied 20-year-old in a string bikini in years. You also haven’t seen a real live woman in a bathing suit in years. There’s no time to be picky. Every single college aged girl is posting pics of them prancing around in cheeky thongs and chugging out of beer funnels. I quote the great Ron White: “Once you’ve seen one woman naked, you want to see the rest of them naked too.” Same thing applies to how a girl looks in a bikini. God, I wish I could tell you how dirty I feel writing this column. I’m ashamed. Straight up ashamed.
5a. Set unattainable hotness standards for your future significant other.
No woman who doesn’t look like she can stop traffic in one of those hybrid thong bikini things will ever be worthy for you. You are completely ruined. No girl will ever look good to you. Well, that is until you get desperate enough to lower your absurd hotness standards and realize that you’re a 4 who has no chance with anything higher than a soft 6. NO MATTER! Last time I checked, this is America. If you think you’re worthy of a dimepiece, wait it out. Everyone loves a balding, 35-year-old single graybush who still rents.
5b. Resent your current significant other.
Hide your computer from her sight, because it’ll only cause you trouble. Yeah, your significant other is still a young, vibrant woman in her mid-20s who is aging gracefully, but dammit, why isn’t she running around in a strapless American flag bikini for 12 hours a day and a neon party dress the other 12? The fact that your apartment doesn’t look like a shot-for-shot remake of J-Lo and Iggy’s “Booty” music video is making you feel resentment towards your very suitable and delightful partner. Maybe she’d be a little encouraged if you busted out that banana hammock that hasn’t seen the light of day since South Padre ’09. Throw that Hail Mary..