19 Horrible Truths You’ll Learn About Yourself At A Buffet


There are few things more American than a buffet. Buffets are America flexing its ability to provide a ridiculous amount of food to its citizens at a reasonable price for no other reason than because it can. Nowadays, they have buffets for just about any kind of food. There are soul food buffets, steakhouse buffets, soup and salad buffets, sushi buffets, and stir fry buffets. Pounds upon pounds of greasy, excessive deliciousness. However, as wonderful and American as buffets are, in between bites you begin to get horrible insights about yourself that you wouldn’t have known without going to a buffet.

  1. You take the term “all you can eat” literally.
  2. You think mac and cheese and fried chicken skin mixed in with mashed potatoes is an acceptable main course.
  3. You’re willing to eat questionable, low quality, potentially stale food in exchange for the chance to eat as much of it as possible.
  4. You give zero fucks what main courses and sides actually go together.
  5. You have no problem having food from three different continents on your dish, and food from countries that hate each other can just have a peace summit in your stomach.
  6. There are a thousand ways to prepare a chicken and you’re willing to try them all in one sitting.
  7. You believe that as long as you have a salad first you can binge on the rest of the buffet.
  8. You’ll eat things you’d never order off a regular menu simply because it’s part of the buffet.
  9. You can make a burrito out of anything. Don’t underestimate the sushirito.
  10. You will eat plates full of the same food over and over again.
  11. You are temporarily willing to believe calories are figments of the imagination and that carbs should be measured in pounds, not serving sizes.
  12. When it comes to eating excessive amounts of food, your table manners regress 6,000 years and your primal instincts take over.
  13. Just because it’s a buffet doesn’t mean it will be your only meal of the day.
  14. You don’t realize how much you’ve actually eaten until you start dozing off in the booth from the oncoming food coma.
  15. You actually have little to no regard for your health.
  16. You prefer to go to buffets alone so you don’t have to worry about being judged by your peers.
  17. You’ll pick a seat hiding from members of the opposite sex solely so you can continue to eat like a savage.
  18. You can eat several pounds of food in a surprisingly short period of time.
  19. You have no shame whatsoever.

Regardless of the horrible truths you learn about yourself you will continue to go to buffets, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s your patriotic duty to take advantage of all the great things America has to offer. At the end of the day, we’re just animals, and there is no shame in pounding down two pounds of sushi like a savage. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

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