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I love Girl Scout Cookies. You love Girl Scout Cookies. America loves Girl Scout Cookies.
These delicious cookies are part of the fabric of America. If you ever mention them, people become very heated as to which is the superior cookie. Old friendships have been lost, people have come to fisticuffs and I’m sure even a few marriages and relationships have ended due to one’s loyalty to their Girl Scout Cookie of choice.
There’s a lot you can do with Girl Scout Cookies, and most involve eating them (others include some ice cubes and a nine iron but that is neither here nor there). There are even beer tasting events, and word on the street from my man Icehouse that has actually been to one, they are straight fuego.
As an impartial connoisseur of these wonderful cookies, I am here to break (short)bread and offer you the definitive hierarchy to these majestic cookies, not because I want to but because I have to. I have omitted a few because honestly, not every cookie is good enough to be ranked, especially at the commanding price and cornered market that the Girl Scout organization has over these cookies but my methodology includes their top sellers. Apparently, there are other names but I will refer to them as I know them.
8. Cranberry Citrus Crisps
I honestly didn’t even know these existed. I won’t bore you with the details but they make up only 4% of cookies sold. While I eat cranberries on Thanksgiving, if I am going to waste calories, it won’t be on some whole grain bullshit cookie. Next.
7.Trefoils
I like shortbreads. I really do. Everyone that knows me knows I like them. But so many of these other cookies (Lemonades) are just dressed up Trefoils. These are most likely purchased by the elderly that have long since lost their taste buds eating nasty 1950s food like Fruit Cakes and liver and onions. This isn’t the Great Depression anymore; we can have flavored food. Again, if I’m using calories for a cookie, I want them to be worth it.
6. Lemonades
These are dressed up Trefoils. At least the people who make Girl Scout Cookies were nice enough to throw some flavor on a Trefoil and not make you pay any more.
5. Thin Mints
I’ll be upfront about this: Thin Mints are trash. If you like this cookie, we cannot and will not be friends. If I wanted a Thin Mint, I’d go get a Peppermint Patty or one of those little green Andes candies you get in high-end restrooms. Anyone that actually likes thin mints are most likely psychopaths. THEY AREN’T EVEN COOKIES IT IS A MINT FLAVOR WAFER COVERED IN CHOCOLATE.
4. Thanks-A-Lot
Another cousin of the Trefoil, the fine Girl Scout Cookie makers did us a solid and made it with fudge. Chocolate is good and these cookies remind me of the poor man’s version of E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed Cookie, except they are really skimping on the fudge. At least Thanks-A-Lot thanks me for being a fatass while I eat them with a friendly “Thank You” message on them.
3. Do-Si-Dos
I love peanut butter. Many times, I eat it straight from the jar as a meal replacement. What better than to eat your peanut butter between two oatmeal cookies? Do-Si-Dos are a no brainer at the #3 spot and coincidently, make up the third most purchased Girl Scout Cookie.
2. Samoas
Samoas are good cookies. There’s a lot of flavor, both sweet and savory. While I do like coconut, they lost out due to the fact that coconut gets a little overbearing after a few cookies. The caramel almost makes up for this, as caramel is delicious but the people making these cookies went a little light on the chocolate for my taste.
1. Tagalongs
Finally, #1. You may have scrolled down to see this, ready to write angry comments about how I am an idiot for not putting your trash-tier beloved Thin Mints at #1. I admit, it was close but Tagalongs are the superior cookie. Let me explain.
You get the same vanilla cookie as a Samoa but without the budgeted chocolate as the entire cookie is encased in chocolate. The center is straight up peanut butter. The chocolate to peanut butter ratio is perfect and you get the sweet from the chocolate, the salty savory peanut butter flavor and the vanilla cookie to tie it all together. The Tagalong brings together the best from all the other cookies and creates the best possible scenario.
If you don’t like these cookies, you are either A) allergic to peanut butter/fun/everything that is good in the world, or B) no one I want to be friends with. Peanut butter and chocolate go together like spaghetti and meatballs and should be a staple in every household in the country.
Feel free to make your case below..
Image via Shutterstock
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Throw those thin mints in the freezer and then talk to me.
If I lived near an active volcano, I would purchase a box just to throw in it because that is where they belong.
I will murder you where you stand, heretic
But the way this is worded it’s more easily read that it was a tough decision between Tagalongs and Thin Mints, not Tagalongs and Samoas, thereby making your argument much less convincing. However, Tagalongs are the clear number one since a lot of us don’t care for coconut and therefore don’t eat Samoas.
I apologize, it was meant to be Tagalongs + Samoas.
It’s their number 1 cookie…
Thin mints. FTW.
*Throw those thin mints in the trash. Typos, am I right?
They are still trash after doing that.
My coworker who was my Girl Scout Cookie Bookie told me his daughters didn’t rejoin the troop this year. That was a fucking rough day.
I just love Cookie Bookie being a term you used with a straight face.
I can be your hook up for GS Cookies if you will be my pork roll connection.
Deal.
This is the first year I’ve been able to place an order, thanks to a new coworker. I’ve never been so happy to know somebody with a child.
My friend who is a 3rd grade teacher just texted me asking if I wanted some. It completely made my morning!!
Are they not outside of your supermarket every year?
I haven’t seen them yet
Never once saw one.
You’re just plain fucking wrong in regards to Thin Mints.
Thin mints til I die
Sup?
He’s just using alternative facts.
Agreed. I stopped reading after I saw Thin Mints at 5. I refuse to spend my money on any other type of Girl Scout cookie because I don’t want to be disappointed.
I love frozen Thin Mints but you need to Tagalong on the chocolate / peanut butter express.
You’d think that with the popularity of Reese’s, more people would be into Tagalongs. A damn shame.
You are correct, Madoff.
I stand with Madoff #TeamTagalong
Thin Mints are confirmed trash
Long time tagalong fan. But man I love dipping my trefoils in coffee for breakfast. Shortbread soaks up the juices and melts in your mouth.
Hate that you said “soaks up the juices” but agree with the sentiment
I was about to make a lewd joke but I decided against it. Glad you covered for me, sort of.
I’ve lived in four states (NY, WV, FL, and MA) and everywhere besides MA calls them Samoas, I move here and they try and sell me Caramel De’Lites…wtf?!
I investigated this and according to the Girl Scouts of America when asked why the same cookies are called different things: “Girl Scout cookies are produced by two bakers. That’s why some of our cookies have two different names! But whether the box says Peanut Butter Patties® or Tagalongs®, these two cookies are similarly delicious.” Clearly, I don’t have much to do at work today.
I did the same. Apparently saying “What the fuck is this?” to a group of 8 year old girls is socially unacceptable.
I live in the Caramel Delite / Peanut Butter Pattie region. PGP.
Every year my boss brings in Girl Scout cookies and every year the Tagalongs get left to the wayside. I pray no one figures out how underrated these babies are.
These are spot on. Thin Mints are trash. If you want chocolate with mint, eat some Junior Mints.
It’s chocolate it’s peppermint…it’s delicious!
The fact that you are getting downvoted with this fantastic reference shows me that the PGP average user may be a younger audience than I imagined. Damn shame.