I brought donuts to the office today. My boss told everyone it was him. PGP.

My only Tinder match in the past week ended up blocking me. I didn’t even say hi. PGP.

It used to be “No new friends” because I didn’t want any. Now it’s “no new friends” because I can’t make any. PGP.

This is my cube. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My cube is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My cube, without me, is useless. Without my cube, I am useless. PGP.

The first word out of my mouth every day is “fuuuuuuck.” PGP.

1: “Who in the fuck brewed decaf?” 2: “Some virgin.” PGP.

I was so excited about getting this job. Now I’m only excited for lunch. PGP.

There’s someone in the stall next to me and neither of us is making a sound. I think we both came in here for the peace and quiet. PGP.

I legitimately just questioned if I was invisible. Then questioned my sanity. Then poured another coffee and checked my email. PGP.

I can’t believe I was the best candidate for the job. I’m a dipshit employee. PGP.