You don’t realize how capable you are of hating a person until you have to share a cubicle with them.

It still takes me at least three tries to tie my tie right

I don’t go to happy hour with my coworkers for fear of getting drunk and telling them how much I hate them

The hardest part of my job is pretending to care.

“You look like you could use a vacation”

Debating if my ability to lie to clients is a credit to my resourcefulness or a sign of my lack of morality

Your boss asking for a volunteer, but then just choosing you anyway

Tried to impress a girl at the gym…threw my back out

After spending nearly $1500 in parking over the past six months, I discovered there is a bus route a mile from my apartment

“Are you doing anything right now?”