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With wide eyes and an empty stomach, she took an Uber Select to Whole Foods with one intention and one intention only — meal prep. With her New Year’s Resolutions in full swing, she knew that the next step in bettering herself after scheduling a holistic therapist appointment was to increase her day to day health by planning out each and every one of her meals.
As she approached the baskets wearing her favorite athleisure outfit and Celine sunglasses, she pulled out her iPhone and began to scroll her shopping list.
“Mama may need a big cart for this one,” she muttered to herself while standing in the way of people filing in, one after another. Oblivious to the fact that she was blocking everyone from getting their own cart, she threw her bag into her own and got started.
As she approached the produce aisle, she peered down at her list that read:
Asparagus
Kale
Carrots
Green Beans
As she swept up and down the aisle looking for “organic” and “non-GMO” greens, she had the realization she should’ve gone to a farmer’s market for all of this instead.
“But, like, do they even have farmer’s markets in the middle of winter?” she thought to herself while feeling the avocados for softness. Becoming slightly frustrated with the lack of soft avocados, she reached to the back to find some older ones. Fearing the worst — getting home, slicing one open, and seeing brown — she considered buying the pre-sealed avocado spread in a moment of weakness before realizing that there’s no way in hell Gwyneth Paltrow would do that.
“Ugh, whatever, I’ll just get the hard ones and hope they soften by tonight.”
Her list, fairly simple, was sprinkled all over the store. Unsure of the perfect order to go in, she fervently looked at the aisle indicators hoping for the treasure map to get laid out in front of her.
“I feel like the quinoa should be near the rice, and I feel like the olive oil should be near the salad dressings.”
But in passing the meat section, she decided to stop at the seafood counter. “Ugh, it smells like shit over here,” she thought to herself while holding her nose.
“Can I help you miss?” the man behind the counter said.
“Um, yes…” she began while squinting at his name tag. “Carlos? Si, Carlos, I would love some help. Which of the fish is the least fatty?”
“Well, any of these would be fine for you. The tuna, salmon, and trout are all high in Omega-3 fatty acids, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing,” Carlos responded while pointing out the fish he imagined she’d like.
“But they’re fatty.” she shot back.
Carlos, taken back by her tone, considered explaining to her the nutritional value of each fish. “But…” he started again before realizing it wasn’t worth it. “I think you should just get the salmon.”
“Didn’t you just say it was fatty?” she responded again, with her hand twirling her hair in confusion.
“It’s fine.” Carlos responded, unwilling to go any further in the conversation.
Taking her paper-wrapped fish and placing it on the top shelf of her cart, she continued to the main event of her Whole Foods excursion: the containers. Sarah, her work enemy, was known around the office for having the “cutest” office accessories. From her pencils and notebooks to her food containers and lunch bags, her life was seemingly a Pinterest board come to life. Refusing to be outdone in her “New Year, New You” attempts, she was not going to leave Whole Foods without containers that would put Sarah’s to shame.
Perusing the Tupperware with a keen eye for anything remotely pink or seafoam green, she became confused. Where she was hoping to find pastel colors and soft hues, she found hunter greens and cardboard browns. Discouraged with what she considered to be “reusable bullshit,” she sought out a stock boy who was in the nearby wine section.
“Excuse me, are you Carlos?” she inquired.
“Um, no, my name is Matt,” Matt said.
“Oh, okay. Anyway. Do y’all have anything, like, cuter than these containers?”
“Ummm, I don’t think so,” stock boy Matt began. “What do you need ‘cute’ containers for?”
“I’m meal prepping, and these are all, like, blah.”
Laughing to himself a little before regaining his composure, he unknowingly explained to her that they’re “just for food” and “probably don’t need to be cute.”
Wide-eyed, she was shocked and appalled at his lack of care for detail when it came to her needs as a customer. Putting her hands in the air and opening her mouth in shock, she gave him a “…wow, okay, never mind,” before walking back to her cart and pulling out her phone.
Fuming, she pulled out her phone and texted Todd, “You would never believe what just happened to me at Whole Foods.”
Seconds later, her phone vibrated. It was Todd. “What’s up?”
“Never mind,” she responded. “Fuck this. I’m leaving and we’re getting sushi. Uchi, 20 mins. Calling an Uber now. I’ll see you there.”
Leaving her cart in the middle of the store, she grabbed her handbag and large iced coffee and went full-steam to the Whole Foods exit. Putting on her sunglasses, she muttered, “This is why I don’t grocery shop,” as she walked out the door and got into a black Lexus SUV. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Even though she’s not real, she still raises my blood pressure.
She is real. We all know her.
it concerns me that there are real girls out there just like her
They all seem to live in DC
And Seattle
And San Francisco
Plenty in Houston, as well.
Woodlands and RiverOaks girls all the way
Yeah, thank god for the bystanders like Carlos and Matt to give the responses we all want to.
I thought they were both Carlos
I cringe when she calls herself “mama”
I’d make a much better mama…and I have a Y chromosome
She gives me anxiety
And even with that they’re still the must-read item in our lives
She’s basic, so she’s pretty run of the mill. Girls like this are everywhere.
Carlos is going to be pissed that salmon is wasting away in the stranded cart.
He doesn’t care, he probably hocked a massive loogie on it when she was busy looking up what an Omega-3 fatty acid is.
Matt is twice the man that Todd will ever be.
Does she ever drive? It’s actually probably a good thing if she doesn’t.
“I just like, don’t understand this traffic right now. Like I just can’t. Todd can you drive?”
If I remember correctly from the chapter that she gets Sperry from the puppy farm, she drives a Mercedes SUV courtesy of George.
Feel like our girl got extra annoying this go round. Wonder what Todd did to cause this?
Poor Todd.
I don’t feel bad for Todd anymore. Guy needs to man up and end it. Quit being part of the problem and become part of the solution
How about I take Dorothy Mantooth out for a night on the town instead?
You’re not even half the man your father is.
Also great job Will. This series is the only thing that makes Wednesday’s worthwhile.
There’s a specific layer of Hell reserved for people that leave their grocery cart in the middle of the store.
I back this hard. No matter what kind of store it is, leaving a cart full of merchandise that someone else has to put away is a dick move.
Especially if there’s raw fish in the cart
Next week on TGDAF: Issuing a Customer Complaint
“Two Star yelp review for totes wasting my saturday because this store lacks cute containers. Just because you’re trying to be healthy doesnt mean you cant be like super trendy.”
Todd’s already at the sushi place with his sidepiece.
I cut my gym workout short to come back and read this. So she won’t be dying a slow mercury poisoning death from all the meal-prepped fish?
🙁
Salmon has little Mercury so large quantities of it aren’t bad for you. Raw tuna though…someone should tell her that it’s fat free, GMO-free, gluten-free and has lots of vitamins. Eat that every day and in a year Todd will be a free man.
Honestly, Todd’s best option at this point since he won’t man-up and pull the trigger