Things Girls Do After Graduation: New Year’s Resolutions

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Things Girls Do After Graduation: New Year's Resolutions

The following is a list found by Todd on Saturday, January 2nd, 2016 after drunkenly waking up in her apartment after a boozy New Year’s Day turned into an even boozier New Year’s Night. Her desk calendar read “Brunchhhhhhh @ 10” with it now being 10:30 in the empty apartment, aside from Todd and Sperry.

* * *

New Year’s Resolutions

1. Get #FIT

Monday: Pure Barre
Tuesday: SoulCycle
Wednesday: City Surf
Thursday: Yoga
Friday: Run, Run, Run
Weekend: Rest

*Talk to Caroline about potential Yoga Retreats

ABV: Always Be Vegan
Find out what “Paleo” and “Whole 30” actually are
Coconut Water > Regular Water #hydrateordie
February Juice Cleanse???
All the flax seed, all the chia seed
If the juice ain’t pressed, mama ain’t drinkin’ it
Almond milkkkkkk
Red Wine + Vodka ONLY.
Buckwheat Pancake Sundays? Yes plz.
Kale Salad, Kale Chips, Kale Smoothie, Repeat.

2. Find YOU / Be The Best YOU

Start that journal up, girl.
Restart fashion / food / health blog?
Meditation??? Hypnotism??? Thereapy??? IDK.
Cooking classes
Financial planner / budget / talk to dad.


Girls Nights x 100
Host all the dinner parties
Plan at least TWO girls trips
Coffee dates? duh.
Get the ring.

* * *

Abruptly, a door shuts and Todd backs away from the whitewashed vintage desk in her bedroom. Sperry barks, jumps out of bed, and slides around the corner en route to the door where she’s standing in lululemon leggings, a Patagonia Re-Tool Snap-T Pullover, and Hunter boots.

“Well look who decided to finally wake up,” she snarkily says while Todd shirtlessly pokes his head around the corner of the bedroom. Wide-eyed and ruffled, Todd smiles.

“Where’ve you been?” he responds hoping she doesn’t realize he’s just spent the last 40 minutes analyzing the list on her desk.

“Ugh, well, we had a brunch rezzie at Chopped for 10 o’clock,” she began, “But only, like, three of us actually showed up because everyone’s so hung from yesterday. We just scrapped it and got juices from Pressed instead.”

Todd began to button his shirt up while recounting the list that he’d just read. As she started her Nespresso machine in the kitchen, all he could hear was the her footsteps and Sperry clamoring around the kitchen waiting to be fed. He walked into the kitchen as she set a steaming cup down for him.

“Are we okay?” she asked as Todd rubbed his face with both hands.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”

“Uhhh, New Year’s Eve?” she snapped back with a furrowed brow and slight smile.

He wanted to refer to it as an outlier, but it clearly wasn’t an outlier. It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have in the first place, let alone hungover from two straight days of beers and shots of Fireball.

She began unloading her raglan bag overflowing with kale, beets, rhubarb, and plastic bags filled with unlabeled seeds ranging from tan to black. While she started to discuss her plans for the rest of the day and weekend, Todd’s brain kept reverting back to the list in her bedroom — from the last item, to the sheer length, to whether or not he left it in the same position he had found it in.

“Katie and Finn asked if we wanted to do sushi tonight, any interest?” she asked.

“Yeah,” a started Todd responded, “I could do that.”

“Okay, awesome, I’ll let her know.”

Organizing her disheveled apartment, she started making her way toward the bedroom. And after folding her Pendleton blanket, it was clear she was going to ask Todd to help her make the bed next. Indeed, she did, and the look of terror on Todd’s face was clear as he didn’t want to be in the same room as her and the aforementioned list.

“What’s that look for? Get in here.”

Todd walked into the room and peered over to the desk where she was coincidentally standing. Organizing everything, she reached over to the edge of the desk and flipped the list over, unassumingly sliding it under her latest Kinfolk magazine.

“Alright, grab that end of the comforter,” she demanded. “We’ve got work to do.”

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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