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She emerged from the car after their 45-minute drive from the city. Dark jeans, deep brown leather boots that covered her shins, and a chunky sweater topped with a plaid cashmere scarf big enough for her to share with Todd as a blanket on their couch while watching Friends reruns on Netflix.
“Is this seriously it?” she asked Todd who attempted to put a leash on Sperry’s collar. She tip-toed through the muddy parking lot attempting to not let her boots get too much mud on the toe or heal.
Upon fastening the collar, Todd jokingly responded, “What’d you expect? A five-star resort?”
Hands on her hips with her sunglasses far enough down on her nose that Todd could see her eyes, she shot him a dirty look that screamed “unamused” before they both approached the apple stand that had been set up for visitors of the orchard. Greeted with a hearty, “Welcome to the farm,” Todd struck up a conversation with the father of the young girl selling apple cider in Dixie Cups.
“Excuse me,” she began. “Sir, is this cider organic?”
He confirmed that it was, in fact, organic and that his farm was completely free of any GMOs at which point she clarified with Todd that they simply had to get a few gallons of cider for their Halloween party. And after getting some direction on where to go to pick the apples, Todd grabbed a bushel from a stack next to the stand and began walking with Sperry towards a line of trees.
“It’s, like, so pretty out here,” she explained to Todd. She had caught up to him walking and even attempted to walk ahead of him despite the mud. It was her way of saying, “Please take a candid photo of me in front of these trees” without actually saying, “Please take a candid photo of me in front of these trees.” Todd, knowing what was expected of him, took out of his phone and took a couple photo bursts – both portrait and landscape, you know, just in case.
Approaching their first tree, she muttered, “It’s a lot colder out here than I expected it to be,” before Todd offered his vest only to be turned down because it would ruin her aesthetic in the photos. Grabbing her first apple off the tree, she described to him how disgusting it looked to her. Covered with a few dents and one hole in it, she questioned whether or not there was something wrong with the tree, or on an even larger scale, the farm itself. Todd explained to her that the apples wouldn’t look like they did in Whole Foods when they are picked from the farm but was simply met with “Why not?” before he moved on to asking if she, again, wanted her picture taken.
She bent over to pick up Sperry – again, clearly fishing – and talked in dog-speak for the next thirty seconds while standing under the tree. In between ESPN updates regarding the NFL scores, Todd took her desired photos.
“Alright, let’s keep moving,” he said before she asked to see his phone, presumably to review his work.
“How many apples are you going to want?” Todd asked while they continued down the row. Unsure of an answer, she reasoned with him about what they had ahead of them schedule-wise: “Well, the cider should keep until the Halloween party in a week and a half, but we don’t want to get too many apples since I’ll be in Cabo for Caroline’s bachelorette.”
Todd knew that the trip wasn’t truly about picking apples, so he lethargically filled the bushel until it looked reasonably full enough to justify their Sunday trek.
“Why don’t we just, like, loop back,” she told him, “And we can pay for the apples and just head back in time to meet up with Katie and Finn for the game.”
Surprised, Todd shrugged happily and grabbed her hand where they shared the grip on Sperry’s leash, the bushel of apples hanging from his other hand. Tree by tree, they walked peacefully looking around the farm. A peaceful reprieve from the city, a peaceful reprieve from life.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked, breaking the brief silence.
“Shoot.”
“What are you guys going to do all next weekend while we’re at Caroline’s party?” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Things Girls Do After Graduation: Get laid-off by Grandex
Now that y’all have this extra cash lying around, we are gonna get an edit button, right?
I’ve been gone a few days and come back to people being laid-off. What happened?
Grandex is about as good at business as they are at humor these days
You know who loved apple picking? Johnny D loved apple picking.
So did Brian.
#neverforget
The G.O.A.T
I can’t believe the same people that used to attack Duda daily are trying to come to his defense. Don’t put up this charade to make yourselves feel better. Not specifically you Champ Kind, but just everyone on here in general. I for one always supported Duda’s douchebaggery
I don’t think many of us genuinely disliked him (at least I didn’t). It was just fun giving him shit because of how hopelessly wrong, lost and confused he was about life.
“hopelessly wrong, lost and confused .. about life”
isn’t that why we’re all here ?
Yeah but Duda took it to a whole new level.
He’s even lobster and confuseder now.
I don’t think anybody wanted the dude fired, but it’s real hard to agree with some of his takes while he essentially bragged about being an asshole.
He was a douche, but he was our douche
The dude moved across the country
It definitely sucks for him that he got fired like that, but his articles were trash and he seemed like a shorty person. I don’t get the whole martyr thing people are doing now
Dammit
*shitty
Well, we haven’t exactly confirmed he was tall.
Fear not, we’d lament the loss of your vapid insight as well, it’s tradition.
I see what you’re saying, but I think it’d be more of a “Glad we finally got rid of ATLGuy, fuck that guy”
You’re no Kendra, yet.
I totally miss Kendra.
birds of a feather……
Little Johnny Appleseed Duda
I have no idea why but every time I scroll past this comment I burst out laughing
“If you love somebody, let them go…..”
“I’m going to get drunk with Sperry and then hang myself” – Todd/Duda/Dan/Boosh/Lucky Jo
Don’t forget Kayla
You’re right. Can never forget our girl, Slayla.
She was a babe too…
That last paragraph was almost sweet. You could tell, despite everything, that Todd occasionally finds peace and tranquility with her.Then Girl just had to go and ruin it by opening her goddamned mouth.
Will, TGDAG and Madoff’s amazing life reflection pieces are two of the main reasons why I keep coming back to PGP. Please keep it up, guys.
On another note, I’m really hoping for a Chronicle’s of Todd: Bachelor Weekend, with a special appearance by Claire.
It’s the least he could do as we cope with the losses of this week
I can’t wait for your articles about how depressed you are after you lose to me in fantasy football, although I’m still crying after you destroyed my anus this past week
Todd’s answer should be: “Get blackout drunk and cheat on you.”
If you disappear on us, we need an ending to this story. Don’t leave us hanging like Brian did with Gil.
I would love an update on ol’ Gil Humplestead
I know this isn’t grandex’s thing. But all Todd has to respond with is “Saturday’s are for the boys”.
I used to love barstool as much as the next bro, but, don’t bring SAFTB into the sacred ground that is TGDAG please. Don’t ruin this for us.
These two statements show the exact level of the audience we have here, freshly postgrad and been post grad for while
You’re missing the potential crazy – Girl had his phone. What’d she look at?
“Claire. That’s what I’m doing next weekend while you’re gone.”