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Cue the music.
The worst times in a person’s life are likely to be in the following order: when a loved one or family member dies, when you get fired, when you get broken up with, and when you get food on your crisp white jeans. In that order. Everything else? Nothing a little Bob Seger and a stick cocktail can’t fix.
When someone rips your heart out of your chest, you get about a three-day sulking period where you can literally do anything you want without judgment. Get hammered, take some PTO to get the hell out of dodge, but more likely, mope around the house trying to mend the wounds. But without the proper survival kit, those three days of doing absolutely nothing will bleed into four, five, or even a week.
Time to fire up your Amazon Prime Now membership and delete your ex’s number. You know, before hate-stalking them for the next three months.
Some say that the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone. I disagree. I’m more in favor of watching ficticious characters fall in love in ridiculous scenarios only to remind me that love does exist. Harry and Sally. Kathleen and Joe. Annie and Sam. With bubbly soundtracks and apartments you’ll never be able to afford, a good romantic comedy will do the trick when you’re trying to forget that someone just decided you aren’t worth spending the rest of their life with.
Oh, and get the DVDs. When you’re bedridden and in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, you’ll need to know your legs still work by way of getting out of bed to switch discs.
Gel Eye Mask
It’s okay to cry. At least that’s what I tell myself whenever I watch the final episode of Boy Meets World.
If you’re not crying after a breakup, you probably didn’t love the person enough to marry them in the first place. But once the waterworks start goin’, the eyes start puffing up. And once the eyes start puffing up, that’s when your friends who come over to console you begin to think, “Wow, they look worse than I thought.” Keep your appearance up by getting a Patrick Bateman-esque eye mask to wear in between binge-watching your rom-coms.
I suggest: The Gel Bead Eye Mask
Move aside, pajama pants. This is a job for a robe.
Think of this thing as your breakup thunder blanket. Your breakup uniform. Your second skin. If you’re going to be sulking around the house, really sulk around the house. Nothing screams “I’ve given up and don’t care about anything” more than wearing an outfit completely made of terrycloth.
I suggest: Terrycloth Turkish Bathrobe
Breakups are the worst at night. You’re tired, your brain has run through every possible scenario, and you’re sitting there wondering, “I wonder who the fuck they’re texting right now.” It’s okay to admit – everyone turns into the most psychotic version of themselves after getting kicked to the curb. Which is when you bring in reinforcements – sleep aids. Unless you’ve got an Ambien prescription, you need to turn to Diet Ambien which just so happens to be melatonin gummies. Not only do they taste like healthier gushers, they’ll hit you hard enough that you won’t be able to finish the episode of Girls you started. Win-win.
I suggest: Nature Made Melatonin Gummies
Breakups, for all intents and purposes, are like hangovers. You’re exhausted, you feel like shit, and you need to surround yourself with luxurious shit in order to feel better about who you are as a person.
Enter: The Scented Candle.
When the only light you’ve seen all day comes from your flat screen or phone (and you begin to start smelling like shit despite the fact that you can’t tell), you need to light a candle and get that flicker going. Really get into relaxation mode by breathing in a bunch of scents your nose isn’t sophisticated enough to identify. Just make sure to blow it out before taking the melatonin gummies. Your life is already up in flames but that doesn’t mean your apartment should be too.
I suggest: Cire Trudon Abd el Kader Candle
You don’t have anyone to order around anymore, so you might as well get an automated robot to make your bitch while you feel bad for yourself. You might even be able to ask it, “What’s the meaning of life?” and not just hear the sound of rain hitting your window.
And just like with your ex, you’re just going to throw this one away and get a new, better one when Apple releases theirs in December. Everyone loves a Christmas romance.
I suggest: Amazon Echo Dot .
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Image via YouTube