Probable Answers To Unanswered Sports Movie Questions

Probable Answers To Unanswered Sports Movie Questions

I’m a big sports movie guy; people know that about me. Unfortunately with only a two hour average run time, sometimes sports films leave some big unanswered questions. I took my best crack at filling in the blanks.

Varsity Blues

The Question:

Varsity Blues is the pinnacle of 90s sports movies. Star West Canaan HS QB Brian O’Connor goes down with an injury and his backup Dawson Leery has to lead the team to victory with James Caan’s son as his best receiver and Angelina Jolie’s dad as his dickhead coach.

Long story short, despite injuries, a team mutiny of their head coach, and a debilitating strip club visit, West Canaan wins a district championship. The problem is, according to their backup QB’s narration, the district championship game (set in an incredibly dimly lit stadium) is their last football game.

How is that possible? Back in my high school days like half the district made playoffs, so obviously the district champion would have a playoff game that next Friday against some lowly 4-seed. What the hell happened?

The Likely Answer:

Come on, you think Bud Kilmer’s team wouldn’t be on some kind of probation due to UIL (Texas’ high school sports governing body) sanctions? Child please. Hell, half of Kilmer’s 22 district championships were probably vacated due to rampant steroid usage. There were more used needles strewn around that locker room than a subsided housing apartment complex in West Virginia. The Coyotes probably won that DC in the middle of a three year postseason ban.

Major League/Major League 2

The Question:

Ex-stripper and new owner of her dead husband’s Cleveland Indians, Rachel Phelps goes out of her way to tank the season by recruiting a team of has-beens and nobodys to form her coaching staff & 25-man roster. In what should come as a surprise to no one who’s seen a sports movie, the Indians make the playoffs.

However, why then was Mrs. Phelps persona non grata by the time Major League 2 rolled around? She should’ve been the player personnel darling of baseball. Despite having zero background experience she managed to find an ace pitcher out of a California prison and fishes her catcher/team leader out of a motel room deep in the heart of Mexico.

The only person on the squad who probably made more than league minimum was Roger Dorn and his piss contract. Rachel Phelps made Theo Epstein look like an amateur.

The Likely Answer:

The god damn patriarchy. This happened almost 30 years before we had Jessica Mendoza in the Sunday Night Baseball booth; MLB just wasn’t ready for a female ex-stripper to be its darling roster creation wunderkind.

Remember The Titans

The Question:

Coming into his senior year, the defensive back played by Ryan Gosling had serious pedigree. According to his angry helicopter dad, he was a 5-time Player of the Week the previous year. Now high school sporting achievements rarely mean shit, but 5 POTW awards at least mean that he’s a well above-average DB.

Flash forward one year and he’s riding pine and can’t seem to keep up with any of the guys he’s defending. It’s not like he’s suddenly playing against new athletes; his school is the only desegregated one in the district. How did a year’s time sap all of this guy’s speed?

The Likely Answer:

Summer before his senior year he realized that he was Ryan Gosling, and spent the summer dripping in ass instead of doing sprints. Lost too much development time, and all the other white boys caught up.

Trouble With The Curve

The Question:

Why did almost anything baseball-related in this movie happen? The kid who was the top draft pick was overweight with a terrible swing & makeup who should never be drafted. The Braves head scout was obsessing over high school stats, which is outrageously unrealistic. The Braves front-office then declares the top pick a bust after whiffing on a few curveballs in BP. How did any of this happen in a baseball movie?

The Likely Answer:

What they likely failed to explain in the movie was that anyone with baseball talent or knowledge was wiped out in a genocide before the movie took place. That’s the only explanation for it. This movie is fucking terrible.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

The Question:

Near the movie’s final dodgeball match, Peter LaFleur is drinking away his shame in an airport bar when Lance Armstrong shows up to give him the pep talk of the century. An hour later he leads an upset victory against a superior-in-every-way Globo Gym squad, clinching it with a sudden death win against a far greater athlete in White Goodman.

So uh, what else did Lance Armstrong give Peter besides a pep talk? No one goes from knocking back whiskeys at McCarran International to short-arm humming a dodgeball on one knee to knock Ben Still back ten feet without a little extra something backing it up.

The Answer:

Come on, you know where I’m going with this.

Tin Cup

The Question:

During a meal at breakfast legend Waffle House, Roy McAvoy’s strip club owning ex-gf gets into an argument with members of his squad over whether there’s a Waffle House in Midland or Odessa. Getting a Waffle House location wrong is actually a felony in the South, so who’s right?

The Real Answer:

They’re both goddamn liars. There isn’t a Waffle House in Midland or Odessa, which is a huge letdown when you attend college in Odessa.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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